Saturday, April 30

Only 19 Days Till Revenge of the Sith


In only 19 days Star Wars 3: Revenge of Sith is coming out and I am Psyched. It’s going to be so good. But I’m also scared because in 3 weeks my hopes could be crushed, my faith dashed and my childhood is ruined. Because George Lucas decided to make a Wookie Fart!

So yeah, I’m a Star Wars Fan. I’m not a Star Wars nerd. The main difference that I don’t own a Darth Vader Helmet but I have thought about buying one…numerous times, c’mon haven’t you? You can use it year around. No, not so much. Okay.

The last few years I’ve been Star Wars’ Bitch. I’ve bought the special dark chocolate M&M’s, The R2D2 Cheezits, I’ve even tried Lightsaber Go Yurt. But no matter how many speciality products I buy, the movies still suck.

If you liked the last 2 movies than you are like me...you are in denial! I can’t help but feel like I’m like George Lucas’ abused spouse, I’m always making up excuses for the movies, it wasn’t that bad, it was just Jar Jar, or I liked it except for the romance part, sure the dialogue is bad but wasn’t it bad in the original ones too, George loves me, he doesn’t mean to hurt me, he just gets mad some times. I just tripped down the stairs I swear.



This is how much in denial I was, for some reason I decided to see Phantom Menace 4 times on opening weekend, I’m not proud of that, and yes that probably pushes me over into the Star Wars nerd category, but in my defense we didn’t wear any costumes. We honestly thought it was going to be so awesome that we would need to see it that many times to take it all in. But even after seeing it for the 1st time and thinking, Wow that was terrible, I immediately justified it by thinking. "You know I was probably just too excited to enjoy it…let me ask you something have you ever enjoyed something so much that you hated it? Have you ever thought to yourself this Ice Cream is so delicious that it's disgusting! NO! Logical reasoning was gone on me. It actually took me 6 months to admit the 1st one is bad, even still when I talk about it I'm like, the first scene is pretty awesome.

I learned my lesson with Attack the Clones, I saw it once, and walked away. Although I did buy the DVD I haven’t had the heart to put in yet. It’s wrapped up tight right next too my unopened Matrix 2 and 3 DVDs. Star Wars and I were finished. I forgot all about it, until the O.C., my other vice which I won’t get into now, aired the trailer. Then I was psyched! It was awesome. Lightsaber fights, Choking Jedis, Wookies, explosions, and Vader and the best part no weird lopsided CGI creatures singing or burping for comedic effect.

So again I’m hooked and I’m scared it’s like that anticipation that you feel before you ask out a hot girl (or guy), but multiply that by 21 days, will she yes or no, basically at this point I just want it over and I’ve been rejected so many times, I feel like I’m owed a sympathy date…But if GL lets me down again I’ll always have Star Trek and truthfully those Vulcan ears are alot less expensive that that Vader Mask.

Tuesday, April 26

GEMBERLING



Check out the new Sci-Fi Series "Gemberling", It's about a hot shot computer programmer who dives into adventure after screwing around with a volatile desktop PC. Think Tron...if Tron we re totally retarded.

Look for my appearance in Gemberling- Episode 4 as Hotmail
with my Partner Insult-A-Bot



The Show Currently airs Monthly on Channel 102 in NYC

Tuesday, April 19

These Bears Love to Wipe Their Asses




What the Screw Charmin? Your Latest Ad Campaign has Gone too Far!

Seriously! What's Worse; Admitting that Toilet Paper is for Dirty Bums or Watching a Bear Take a Crap?

I say the later, It's like I stumbled on the one of the Berenstain Bears' Fetish Magazines.

Frankly, I'm Disturbed and I Feel Dirty.

Who are we fooling? We all know what Toilet Paper is for but we never see it used properly. In commercials people are constantly rubbing it on their faces and feeling this ecstasy filed moment of pleasure (by the way I have never had the urge to wipe toilet paper on my face-I hope I'm not alone in that). Really the only people we consistently see using Toilet Paper in commercials are Toddlers, Cute Puppies and of course the above mentioned Cartoon Bears. Personally I'd rather take an endorsement from real people, people with IBS, people who know.



Plus this wrecks my whole view of bears. I want bears to be ferocious animals who rip things up and destroy people, instead these bears spend their time finding a tree with a lone branch on it where they can stick a roll of toilet paper. C'mon they should killing campers. Before you know it Bears are going to be using utensils as they rip out your intestines and if that's the world we are going to be apart of then I don't want to be involved in it. If I was a bear I wouldn't be too good rub my ass against tree, it might even be fun, except for all the bark and stuff.

So if you see a bear tell them stop wiping their asses with toilet paper and then run. Because chances are they will kill you, because bears hate confrontation just as much as they hate being lectured about hygiene.

Saturday, April 9

Paul's Hollywood Celebrity Sighting Game




I Recently was in LA and I Saw a Bunch of Famous People..So Suck It!

Match the Celebrity with the Location of the Sighting
(For Every Correct Answer Give Yourself an American Dollar)

1.) Seal and Heidi Klum-----A.) Hugo's Restaurant
2.) Renne Zellweger--------B.) Shopping in Target
3.) Paris Hilton------------C.) On The Set of DL Hughley Show
4.) Jennifer Garner---------D.) Using the Name "Jen" at Starbucks
5.) That Dude From ER-----E.) Trick Question I Didn't See that Person
6.) Peter Graves---------- F.) Holding up a Liquor Store
7.) DL Hughley------------G.) Hosting the DL Hughley Show
8.) Benjamin McKenzie------H.) Shooting a Scene for Alias
9.) Tracy Morgan-----------I.) Somewhere in Hollywood

Answers:
1.) B 2.) D 3.)I 4.)H 5.)A 6.)F 7.)G 8.) E 9.) C

How Did You Do?

Rate Yourself:

9 out 9 -- Chances are You are Me and I'm Scared
8 out 9 -- You Cheated. But you got 1 wrong, to sway suspicion.
7 out 9 -- You've Kissed Marlee Matlin (with Tongue)
6 out 9 -- Stop Bragging, No one likes a Braggart
5 out 9 -- Fill in the Blanks: You have (Blank) with a (Blank)!
4 out 9 -- People call you Lionel (Behind Your Back)
3 out 9 -- I'm sorry about your Uncle.
2 out 9 -- You've never Seen Beverly Hills Cop 3
1 out 9 -- You Have Strep Throat (Take Some Antibiotics)