Tuesday, May 31

Only 28 More Days

That's Right...There are only 28 Days Left Till.....YOU GO OVER THE TOP!

LIncoln Hawk will Fight for his Son the onlty way he knows how....ARM WRESTLING!

Wow! Man! Cool! Awesome! Truck! These are all the words I used to describe Over the Top when I was 10.

I wish I had a Dad like Lincoln Hawk. A Dad who would teach me time and time again that "The Road will Never Meet You Halfway" (I don't really get what he meant, but it sounds cool and isn't that more important anyway). I want a Dad who when I was being held hostage by my evil grandfather would drive his Semi Truck through the Main Entrance of my captor's evil house, like a knife through butter. A Father who would sell his precious truck so he could use the money to bet on himself in a Las Vagas Arm Wrestling Championship worth $250,000 dollars. So we could live the good life.

Yeah he's the Perfect Dad, sure I initially would hate this type of dad based purely on his clothes and the food he ate but then we'd be great friends and he'd teach me how to drive stick shift and even though my mother died I wouldn't be that bummed because I knew eventually we'd be going OVER THE TOP.

OVER THE TOP on DVD July 27th-You can smell the Pit Sweat it's so Close

2 More Things:

If you like Best Week Ever and Want to see Us Live in Nashville-Check out My Calendar Section for More Info*

My Website Got nominated for a ECNY Award - http://baldalienpimp.com/ECNY/voting_form_05.html*

(Sorry I don't know how to do HTML Links in Blogger)

Monday, May 30

What I Learned From My Season Finales

Wow! The Last 2 Weeks have been ChockFull of Kickass Season Finales.


Here are a list of some of the things I learned from watching the Season Finales of The OC, 24, Lost, and Alias:

1.) Watch the Road: Nothing Hinders a Dramatic Confession or Admission more than getting Hit by a Car. (Kudos to both The OC and Alias for teaching us the Same Lesson)

2.)Bullets Don't Hurt Good Guys: If you get shot, the chances your of recovery directly correlates with whether or not you are good guy/girl. The same goes for Tazer Shocks, Alcholism, Blunt Head Trauma, Stopping Your Heart, Getting Hit in the Head with a Fuckload of Rocks, and Being Attacked by Zombies.

3.) There is always time for Torture: Just like Jell-O but Different

4.)Someone is Always Lying to You: No Matter if They are Your Girlfriend, BoyFriend, Best Friend, Boss, The President, Former President, Ex-Wife, Mother, Sister, Brother, Secret Service Agent, Fellow Boaters, A Chinese Diplomat, or a Crazed French Woman who's been stranded on a Island for 16 years- Don't Trust Anyone.

5.) Don't Rape Your Brother's Girlfriend: So Simple yet Important to Remember.

6.) Dynamite IS Dangerous: Just ask Arnst

7.) If You Have a Child-They Will be Kidnapped: I Don't Like it Either but it's True. I guess that's why they call it kidnapping.

8.)When The Fat Guy Runs it's Important: If they are exerting all that effort at least hear them out.

9.)If You Have a Gun-Use It: Seriously, don't think about it, just pull the trigger and hope for the best.

These Season Finales also Gave Me Some Fun Vacation Ideas. According to Lost, Alias, 24, and The OC the Best Places to Spend Your Summer Vacations in No Certain Order are as Follows: Mexico, Rehab, The Hospital, Prison, Out at Sea, or Staring Down a Hatch.

Friday, May 27

Just a Moment of Your Time Please...

Hello America...I have a few important questions for you.

You aren't a Jerk, are you?

You think Progress is Good, Right?

Your body is equipped with 4 Hearts and Gill-based Respiratory System, isn't it?

If you answered "Yes" to two of the above questions then you are exactly who I'm looking for BUT if answered yes to three of those questions then a word of advice, "Run and Hide" because the government will hunt you down and put you in a Zoo. (What can I say the government hates and loves to objectify people who think progress is good.)

Anyway back to the point at hand.

I'm in Love and her name is "Take 5". It's a new Candy Bar from Hershey that will make you renounce your possesions and replace them with peanut butter, caramel, pretzels, and sweet chocolate. I've taken to calling it God's Candy Bar.

Look if it's good enough for America, it should be good enough for you. Unless you are a Dirty Commie and I highly doubt that because as we all know communists don't own computers, they just stand in line all day for pantyhose and oranges.

Also, I was on the Today Show This Morning. See what I have to say about it here....

Wednesday, May 25

2 Fast 2 Furiious More Like 2 Fast 2 Photogenic

I've been meaning to post this for awhile...

No, your eyes aren't decieving you.

That's me with a guy who is pretending to be Tyrese from 2 Fast 2 Furious.

How Great is that Job? You just put on a Jean Jacket and that's it. He doesn't even sign Tyrese, he signs his own name, they had an Eva Mendes character too but the line for a picture with her was way too long and I was afraid I'd get an STD.

I have to say, these are my favorite costumed characters at Universal Studios since the infamous Thin Red Line Ones in 2001.

Just a Thought:
There is something about non-costumed costumed characters that walk around amusement parks that make me sad. Like the Mel Gibson Stunt Double in the Lethal Weapon Water Show at Great Adventure or the guys who play the Blues Brothers in Universal Studios Orlando. I don't know why but I think it's because they are living a lie!

Monday, May 23

Let's Start a Rumor...

Julia Stiles is addicted to Ribs!

Sunday, May 22

Horrible Movie Pitch #1

Welcome to the newest segment of my Blog, "Horrible Movie Pitches." This new segment is devoted exclusively to creating the worst pitches for movies.

Title:Vampire Realtor (AKA 1 Bedroom & 1 Bloodbath)

Tagline: Finding an Apartment Really Sucks!

Plot: Ever wonder how Angel (From "Angel") got such good digs or how Stephen Dorff's Character (from "Blade") scored that sweet penthouse apartment, well it's all thanks to Sam Seidelman, The Vampire Realtor. He's not a vampire but the Vamps don't know that because he knows exactly what they're looking for: a good deal, someone who works nights and who's not a pain in the neck. Everything is going great for Sam until Count Vlad a competing real real estate agent (and real vampire) finds out the truth and exposes Sam to the entire Vampire community, now Sam has only hours to escape New York City with his daughter Lily while every vamp in the city is trying to get their Broker's fees back. It's Warriors meets Midnight Run as Sam tries to save his neck.

Sam Seidelman: Paul Giamatti
Count Vlad: Lance Henriksen
Lily: Dakota Fanning

Thursday, May 19

If I Had a Nickel....

Everyone is always telling me, "Paul, you and Lil' Kim are so similiar I don't know who is who anymore", well fret no longer, here's an easy guide that highlights the 5 main differences between Lil Kim and Me (Paul Scheer) so you can easily tell us apart.

1.) Lil Kim is 4'11 where I stand a stately 5'10

2.) Lil Kim is also known as the "Queen Bee" where as sometimes I'm referred to as "Big Baby Deluise"

3.) Little Kim is often know to associate with Rap Moguls like Biggie Smalls, P. Diddy, and Jermaine Dupri where as I once sat across from Kid from Kid n' Play at a TGI Fridays in Miami,

3.) Lil Kim was a prostitute where as I have never having taken money for sex, unless you count letting weird dudes feel me up in the parking lot of an Arby's (remember it was just touching not sex, big difference!)

4.) Lil Kim claims she put the "Range" in the Rover where I am universally known for putting the "Hy" in the Hyundai

5.) Despite popular perception it's was Me (Paul Scheer) that recieved a lot of acclaim when I teamed up with Pink, Mya, and Christina Aguilera for a remake of "Lady Marmalade", where as Lil Kim's most know collabration was with Steve Winwood and Bruce Willis in a Hip Hop version of "Under the Boardwalk"

I hope that clears up any confusion.

Sunday, May 15

A Public Challenge to Myself

Starting on Monday May 16th, I promise 3 weekly blog posts. They might be Short, They might be Photos, They might be Plugs, or maybe they won't even be funny at all, only time will tell. But if I don't publicly announce this, it will never get done..The gauntlet is thrown....to myself.

Here's a Plug:

Sith in the City
You are Invited to a Live Taping of the Darth Vader Talk Show!

Everyone from Endor to Outer Gungan Knows that there is only one Dark Ruler of Late Night...Darth Vader.
Join Darth and Kevin Vader (His Kid Brother) for a special episode of their interplanetary award winning late night talk show celebrating REVENGE OF THE SITH. As always they are joined by the Mos Eisely Cantina Band and perform the show under the watchful (and sarcastic) eye of Emperor Palpatine.

Guests include: Jar Jar Binks, John Williams, Peter Mayhew (Chewbacca), George Lucas, Yoda and Yogurt (Spaceballs), and many more...

Plus: Stupid Jedi Tricks, Erotic Star Wars Fan Fiction, More Deleted Scenes, and an outburst from the die hard Star Wars Fans

Starring These Star Wars Nerds:
Andrew Secunda, Chad Carter, Jesse Falcon, Glennis McMurray, Eliza Skinner, Brian Fountain, Jon Daly, Brett Gelman, , Owen Burke, Jack Helmuth, Rob Latham, Rob Huebel, Eric Linn, Julie Klausner, Alison Becker, Nick Kroll, Curtis Gwinn, John Gemberling, Chris Gethard, Scott Brown, Anthony King and Paul Scheer.

Sith in the City: An Evening of Star Wars Comedy
Wednesday, May 18th @ 9:30PM
UCB Theater
307 West 26th street
Tickets: $5.00
Make reservations online www.ucbtheater.com