Sunday, August 28

Things Overheard in a Movie Theater Bathroom after The Brothers Grimm

Last Night I Went to See the Terry Gilliam's The Brothers Grimm at the Huge AMC Movie Theater on 42nd Street.

Now I liked it, it was uneven at times but overall, it was pretty entertaining. But don't take my word for it. Let's hear what some people had to say while I was waiting on line in the Men's Bathroom after the movie ended.
(Note: These are actual quotes, no exaggeration or hyperbole)


"We should have seen Deuce Bigalow again. At least there you know what the fuck you're getting into. It's going to be some some dude screwing women and getting paid, Pimpin ain't easy!"

"My Shit is More Interesting than that Movie." (This was heard from inside a closed bathroom stall, so one can assume he was basing that on fact)

"What the Fuck was That?"

"I Hate Julie Delpy; Before Sunrise was the only movie I've every walked out on, it was terrible! Hands down the worst movie ever made. Plus Bill Murray sucks I don't know why we saw that" (I think this person came from seeing Broken Flowers and obviously has no Soul)

"It's like a Fairy Tale surrounded by a Fairy Tale that pays homage to all those Famous German Fairy Tales."

"More Like Brothers Suck Dick"
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*Sorry I was Away for Awhile...I've been travelling around a lot in the last week (5 Different States) and it was tough to find an proper place to update. I thought I would find a place but I never did. Damn You Hot Spots! Damn You to Hell!

Thursday, August 18

Who's Having the Best Week Ever....

(This week we did Best Week Ever Live in LA and we write a bunch of original material for the show so I decided to reprint my selection for who is having the Best Week Ever for all you who weren't there....I hope you enjoy it.)

Yes. This summer when celebrities went crazy… But in my mind they are all couple years late. Because no matter how hard they try, none of them could be crazier than Courtney Love.

She was going nuts on reporters, getting arrested, going into to rehab, not showing up to court and allegedly killing her spouse way before Michael Jackson, Christian Slater, R. Kelly, Robert Blake, and Tom Cruise. She is the queen of crazy. This week she had to come out of retirement, at the Pamela Anderson Roast to show everyone how to do it right. Watching her at that roast was like watching a crazy phoenix rise from the ashes and then quickly dive back into the ashes, get up again, stumble around, slur her words, and fall back into the ashes. In a word it was "awesome!"

Did anyone see the roast? She was like Tom Cruise on PCP. You know your in trouble when listening to Courtney speak makes me long for the Wit and Wisdom of Anna Nicole Smith. I gotta give her props because clearly she invented her own language it roughly resembled English but was less clear and had more pauses. Like a simpler NADSAT (The Clockwork Orange Language). She is like a walking a reality show without a camera crew. Not many people can pull that off.

Courtney Love is having the Best Week Ever. Not only did she start this "crazy" game, but on Friday a judge issued a warrant for her arrest. Did that stop her from partying? No way. She was so drunk at that roast, I smelt the liqour through my TV. She doesn't care, Courtney is like...Fuck the police! C.W.A. :Courtney with Attitude. She was also seen romancing British Comedian Steve Coogan at the Chateau Marmont all this and still has time to be a mom.

In a Summer of Crazy she makes use remember who invented that in the first place. Plus here’s the best thing about giving Courtney Love the Best Week Ever, we can do it again next week because god knows she won’t remember getting it.

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Wearing Formal Wear at a Beach Party? Yup it's The New Season of The OC

I'll be performing with Horatio Sanz and Friends in Atlanta, (Scroll Down to Variety)

Wednesday, August 17

Ted Danson: Public Enemy #1


Don't believe me take a look: HERE

If You Dare!

Tuesday, August 16

Apparently, This is The Ugliest Dog in the World



I can't argue that.

If your Dog has what it takes submit it HERE

Read More about The World's Ugliest Dog HERE

The only dog that I could imagine that could beat this dog is that cartoon dog who wore the doghouse on his head and then took it off to scare enemies, but you never saw his face just the back of his horrifying head. Does anybody remember what his name was. ---Thanks to Rachel here's the Dog I'm talking about, his name was Yukk!


*Thanks to Gretchen for Open my Eyes and Turning My Stomach

Monday, August 15

Star Wars: All Your Base are Belong to Us

Here's a screen grab from a Star Wars Revenge of the Sith Bootleg with some strange subtitles. I love this.



In these Subtitles, Obi Wan sounds like Yoda mixed with Mace Windu. It gives you a whole new way to look at his character. I can only imagine how they subtitled Yoda.

Can you caption this better?
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The Fantastic Aaron Dobbs and Lily Oei Posted a Really Fun Interview we did together on Gothamist, Read it Here

Also CollegeHumor posted one of myBlog Entries on their Front Page...They are the best! So Nice!

Also if you are in LA remember Best Week Ever Live This Monday and Wednesday: Check UCB Theater for Details

Thursday, August 11

My Summer Book Report


Harry Potter and The Half Blood Prince - A Book Review By Paul Scheer

Unfortunately I can't review Harry Potter and The Half Blood Prince because it's too long! Have you seen this book it's like 800 pages...800 pages!? I can't read this.

"But Paul what do you think of it so far?"

Ask me at Thanksgiving, when I'm halfway through with it. This is like a half -year project for me. By starting this book I’m tying an albatross around my neck. But I can't stop reading it, because it I’ve already read the other ones and I want to know what happens and I don’t want spoilers. I’m screwed. Not for nothing, but Dr. Seuss is an icon and his books were less than 20 pages. They were manageable.

By the way hats off to Stephen King when he made that book "Green Mile" into 12 mini books; that was smart! Let's do more of that. Because now I just getting penalized by the book industry because I only read on the before I go to bed and when I’m on the subway. And now I have that subway guilt you know what I'm talking about, when you see the same people on the subway day after day and you have to cover up the title of the book and hide how far along you are in it because you don't want them to see that you are still reading the same book from last month. Then you see you're friends and their like "Oh you're still reading that? What they should just say what they mean which is "Hey stupid. If we were still in school you'd be in the remedial reading class." Truth be told I want to read that new 50 Cent Book from Pieces to Weight: Once Upon a Time in Southside Queens. At least in that book you get rewarded for reading, like when you get to the picture section. It's like the book is saying, “Yeah you done a good job so far, check out these pictures, give your reading a break.” But this book doesn't have any pictures (Just those little chapter ones). The most I can look forward to is when I get to the climatic scene from the cover so when you get to that scene, I can be like, “Wow that's what I just read!”

If you are going to make a long book, you better be forming a religion or writing some sort of directory like the yellow pages, because big books suck. Excuse me, I'm going to watch some TV, preferably Big Brother 6.

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By the way, the excellent folks at CollegeHumor.com posted two of my films...check them out HERE

Also this is good to know: In 28 days from today, cell phone numbers are being released to telemarketing companies and you will start to receive sale calls.

To prevent this, call the following number from your cell phone:888/382-1222. It is the National DO NOT CALL list. It will only take a minute of your time. It blocks your number for five (5) years.or sign on HERE

Monday, August 8

DL Hughley, Matt Lauer, and The Worst Sandwich Ever



This should have been posted a few days ago but I forgot until now. So just pretend like you are reading this on Friday around 3PM-make it like a time travel experiment for yourself but without all those pesky space-time continuum problems. Like accidentally stopping your parents from falling in love at the Enchantment Under the Sea Dance and having to orchestrate a fight with Biff so that your Dad appears cool to your Future Mom. I know it's pretty heavy.

I’m on my 2nd cross-country flight in the last 15 hours. As I’m writing this there is a woman sleeping next to me, who intermittently wakes up about once an hour and devours a mini bag of Tostitos . I didn't even know they made those as minis. She's done this 3 times so far. I wonder how many more mini bags she has left in her Hello Kitty backpack . I also wonder what type of dream makes you want to wake up and eat mini salty corn chips. (By the way, when do you become too old to wear a Hello Kitty Backpack?) Currently I'm on my 4th back-to-back episode of Everyone Loves Raymond (Thanks to the In-Flight Entertainment Programming Department of American Airlines). I don't have in my headphones in but it looks like in this episode Ray's wife is mad because nobody cleans the bathroom. Here's a little fun fact, each episode of Everyone Loves Raymond averages out to be about 8 scenes. Yes, I'm bored.

I'm also worried because 3 out of my 4 in Flight Magazines are warning me about the dangers of sitting in a plane for long periods of time. (The 4th one only warns me of the lack of fun I will have without an inflatable pool.) Obviously now that we are airborne there isn't much I can do to prevent this. I feel like this info has been given to me way too late. Apparently a blood clot forms in your legs travels up to brain or heart and it kills you. I should have stopped reading those magazines after the article on "Kevin Costner Favorite Spots in Beverly Hills." It just goes to show you reading is bad. Now excuse me, I have to get back to Raymond, I hope they come up with a compromise for cleaning the bathroom.

Last night I was a guest on Weekends at the DL , It's a new Comedy Central show with DL Hughley that airs at 11PM on Friday, Saturday and Sunday Nights, it's a Weekend Talk Show. Get this...While on the show you are encouraged to smoke, drink and curse. The show's set up is similar to Politically Incorrect and the 2 other people on my couch with me were Loni Love from the NBC sitcom Thick and Thin and Giuliana DePandi the host of E! News Daily. We drank 2 bottles of wine in less than 12 minutes; yeah we're classy. There is a guy who hangs out on the side of the set, who's only job is to have a bottle of wine ready to go in case someone needs a refill. He also will cut and light a cigar a moments notice, he's a party butler. Hold On I got a brand-new show for NBC somebody call French Stewart. By the way, I can’t say enough about DL he’s is the funniest, nicest, and smartest guy out there.

I arrived in NYC at 5AM, the next morning, without any blood clots, and I taped a segment for the Today Show with Matt Lauer at 8AM. I always feel slightly guilty whenever we do a funny bit on the Today Show because it seems like whenever we do our segment, it always follows an incredibly depressing and moving story. So right after America is crying about a cancer doctor who saved millions and now is dying himself they cut to us making jokes about Sienna Miller's nanny. I’m conflicted. The Highlight of the Today Show is, as always, sitting in a green room with a 4 -Foot tall picture of Gene Shalit , it just reminds us we have a legacy to live up too out there.

Now I'd like to give a warning to everyone flying through JFK - Whatever you do...No Matter How Hungry You Think You Are. Don't Eat the TGI Friday's Sandwich Station in The American Airlines Terminal. The sandwich pictured above is not mine. Rather it is a clone of the roast beef sandwich that I did eat. (Please if I die from this meal use this picture as evidence in my murder trial). Disgusting is too complimentary of a term for this sandwich. First of all the wrapper was sweaty, never a good sign, which then led to the bread being wet. Then upon further inspection, I noticed only one slice of Roast Beef spread out over both sides of the sliced sandwich. Calling this meat Roast Beef is a long shot, if Roast Beef was a person this piece of Roast Beef who have been an 80 year-old hepatitis patient. Then much to my dismay, there was only one half of a tomato on the sandwich. What? Clearly it was sliced into two pieces when the sandwich was cut, but the other half was missing. I only imagine tomato was one of the luck ones, he escaped and is probably rotten underneath a counter some where. Good for him. But here’s the worst part. After using 2 packets of mustard on each side of the “alleged” sandwich, I ATE IT! Way to go Scheer. If the Blood Clots don’t get me the salmonella will.

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By the way, people keep writing me that my links should open in a separate window, I have no idea how to do that. Help?

Thursday, August 4

Other People's Photos Aren't Interesting

Monday, August 1

Will Smith Intimidates Me


It's Summer, so of course I'm thinking about Summer Songs. You know, those special songs that everyone loves to hear non-stop all summer long. Songs like "Yeah", "Crazy in Love", and "Summertime". These are the songs that the nerds, the jocks, the sportos, the motorheads, the dweebies, and the dickheads all love equally. These are the songs that everyone can agree on. They can be played at your parents BBQ or at a skinhead rally, it doesn't make a difference. These summer songs unite us all, until fall.

When it comes to Summer Songs there is one Musical Artist that owns the Summer. His name is Will Smith. Think about it. From the classic "Summertime" to current "Switch", Will Smith produces the summer hits non stop. He's like a rapping summer santa who comes once a year to release the gift of music and then he goes back to Hollywood to make another Academy Award winning movie. Hell, I watched MIB 2 just for the titular song...Which is the funniest song you'll ever hear, really, do yourself a favor, listen to the lyrics, they are awesome, it's like a cliff notes version of the film. I still contend that if the Legend of Bagger Vance had a Will Smith Song attached to it, it would have been huge hit! His songs are infectious.

But I have a problem, Will Smith intimidates me with his ultra rich lifestyle. We got get him back to singing songs like "Nightmare on My Street" and "Parents Just Don't Understand." Songs we can all relate too. Right now I imagine his songs only appeal to Millionaires.

Don't believe me let's examine some of his lyrics, shall we?
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First up BIG WILLIE STYLE
(the most egregious offender take a look)

I'm in a five star casino shuttin' crap tables down (boom)
non bettin' willie watchers standin' around
strictly millionaire status you can feel the eyes lookin' at us
how bad they wanna be us
Charlie Mack got my back with his eyes on my stack
brothers don't know how to act when you drive a four-five black
people stop and stare havin' drinks at the bar
from civllians to stars they wanna know who we are
Lately you could find me
behind the door marked V.I.P.
eating grapes under the A.C.
big willie style is how we do it
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Really, is that how you "do it"? Gotta say, can't really relate to this. Sometimes I can't pay my electric bill, how about a song about that? By the way, what is a four-five black? There is one part that I can relate too, I often eat grapes under the A.C. because grapes are cheap and I live in a studio apartment and my loft bed is under the A.C., but I'm guessing we aren't singing about the same thing. No? Right?
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Next Up some Lyrics from Will's New Album "Lost & Found"

"I could stand on my wallet, probably kiss the sky"
(Don't I know it...actually I'm lying I have no idea. If I stood on my wallet, it would actually lower my height.)

"Big Will just got another 20 mill"
("Another 20 Mill" I freak out when I take out more than 20 Bucks from the ATM.)

"Shock by the film & the TV money, went from scenes with Uncle Phil
to scenes with Sonny, so hard to break free from a guaranteed 20"
(I hope he's not dissing on Sonny Bono here, I don't like hate rap! Anyway I digress, I get it, you make 20 million bucks. Once I did one of those scratch off games and I thought I won a Mill. But Alas it was one of those prank ones, that you buy in Spencers-Damn You Aunt Kathy!)
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Gettin' Jiggy With It

Mad cause I got floor seats at the Lakers
See me on the fifty yard line with the Raiders
Met Ali he told me I'm the greatest

(Yes I'm mad, just because Ali said the same thing to me, obviously our special night meant nothing to him, athletes are all the same...But seriously come on! Singing about your excellent sports seats, how much do you want to rub my nose in it, I get it. You are rich. What's next? Singing about how you diversify your tax return with property loans or how you use wet hundreds to wipe your ass, actually I think Fat Boys recorded a song like that)
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Anyway all I'm saying is leave your Tax Return at Home on your Next Album. Let's see some more Fresh Prince and a little less Rich King. Also would it be asking too much to have DJ Jazzy Jeff pop do a remix of "I'm the DJ and he's the Rapper." Just for old time sake.

(By the way, I'm well aware this post would have been more topical in 1997, but screw it-the 90's are Back!-Just wait until tomorrow when I examine the plot holes in I Know What You Did Last Summer and try to get the bottom of, "What's up with Rachel Leigh Cook?")