Monday, August 8

DL Hughley, Matt Lauer, and The Worst Sandwich Ever



This should have been posted a few days ago but I forgot until now. So just pretend like you are reading this on Friday around 3PM-make it like a time travel experiment for yourself but without all those pesky space-time continuum problems. Like accidentally stopping your parents from falling in love at the Enchantment Under the Sea Dance and having to orchestrate a fight with Biff so that your Dad appears cool to your Future Mom. I know it's pretty heavy.

I’m on my 2nd cross-country flight in the last 15 hours. As I’m writing this there is a woman sleeping next to me, who intermittently wakes up about once an hour and devours a mini bag of Tostitos . I didn't even know they made those as minis. She's done this 3 times so far. I wonder how many more mini bags she has left in her Hello Kitty backpack . I also wonder what type of dream makes you want to wake up and eat mini salty corn chips. (By the way, when do you become too old to wear a Hello Kitty Backpack?) Currently I'm on my 4th back-to-back episode of Everyone Loves Raymond (Thanks to the In-Flight Entertainment Programming Department of American Airlines). I don't have in my headphones in but it looks like in this episode Ray's wife is mad because nobody cleans the bathroom. Here's a little fun fact, each episode of Everyone Loves Raymond averages out to be about 8 scenes. Yes, I'm bored.

I'm also worried because 3 out of my 4 in Flight Magazines are warning me about the dangers of sitting in a plane for long periods of time. (The 4th one only warns me of the lack of fun I will have without an inflatable pool.) Obviously now that we are airborne there isn't much I can do to prevent this. I feel like this info has been given to me way too late. Apparently a blood clot forms in your legs travels up to brain or heart and it kills you. I should have stopped reading those magazines after the article on "Kevin Costner Favorite Spots in Beverly Hills." It just goes to show you reading is bad. Now excuse me, I have to get back to Raymond, I hope they come up with a compromise for cleaning the bathroom.

Last night I was a guest on Weekends at the DL , It's a new Comedy Central show with DL Hughley that airs at 11PM on Friday, Saturday and Sunday Nights, it's a Weekend Talk Show. Get this...While on the show you are encouraged to smoke, drink and curse. The show's set up is similar to Politically Incorrect and the 2 other people on my couch with me were Loni Love from the NBC sitcom Thick and Thin and Giuliana DePandi the host of E! News Daily. We drank 2 bottles of wine in less than 12 minutes; yeah we're classy. There is a guy who hangs out on the side of the set, who's only job is to have a bottle of wine ready to go in case someone needs a refill. He also will cut and light a cigar a moments notice, he's a party butler. Hold On I got a brand-new show for NBC somebody call French Stewart. By the way, I can’t say enough about DL he’s is the funniest, nicest, and smartest guy out there.

I arrived in NYC at 5AM, the next morning, without any blood clots, and I taped a segment for the Today Show with Matt Lauer at 8AM. I always feel slightly guilty whenever we do a funny bit on the Today Show because it seems like whenever we do our segment, it always follows an incredibly depressing and moving story. So right after America is crying about a cancer doctor who saved millions and now is dying himself they cut to us making jokes about Sienna Miller's nanny. I’m conflicted. The Highlight of the Today Show is, as always, sitting in a green room with a 4 -Foot tall picture of Gene Shalit , it just reminds us we have a legacy to live up too out there.

Now I'd like to give a warning to everyone flying through JFK - Whatever you do...No Matter How Hungry You Think You Are. Don't Eat the TGI Friday's Sandwich Station in The American Airlines Terminal. The sandwich pictured above is not mine. Rather it is a clone of the roast beef sandwich that I did eat. (Please if I die from this meal use this picture as evidence in my murder trial). Disgusting is too complimentary of a term for this sandwich. First of all the wrapper was sweaty, never a good sign, which then led to the bread being wet. Then upon further inspection, I noticed only one slice of Roast Beef spread out over both sides of the sliced sandwich. Calling this meat Roast Beef is a long shot, if Roast Beef was a person this piece of Roast Beef who have been an 80 year-old hepatitis patient. Then much to my dismay, there was only one half of a tomato on the sandwich. What? Clearly it was sliced into two pieces when the sandwich was cut, but the other half was missing. I only imagine tomato was one of the luck ones, he escaped and is probably rotten underneath a counter some where. Good for him. But here’s the worst part. After using 2 packets of mustard on each side of the “alleged” sandwich, I ATE IT! Way to go Scheer. If the Blood Clots don’t get me the salmonella will.

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By the way, people keep writing me that my links should open in a separate window, I have no idea how to do that. Help?

22 Comments:

At 9:24 PM, Blogger Roe said...

Hey Paul, When are you on the Today show?
Sorry, I have no idea, how to open links in a separate window.

 
At 9:29 PM, Blogger Paul said...

We have been doing the Today Show every other week for a little awhile now. Most recently it was this past Friday Morning at 8:30AM

 
At 12:00 AM, Anonymous Evil Dave said...

I feel like a dork. I was going to suggest it, too. You can just add the following code to the link: target="_new"

For example: < a href="http://www.paulscheer.com" target="_new">Link to Paul Scheer.com< /a>

That should spawn the link in a new browser window.

 
At 1:46 AM, Anonymous Jimmy Jimson said...

Thank you Evil Dork!
Just the outside links babe, the formatting of this site is beautiful.

That's the best blog ever! you're really getting good at this best ever stuff. do you get to love stuff at VH1 too?

Great news about that sandwich bro.
Just call me caretaker.
You know how I told you I could get you crackers? (send po box to my email if you really want them)
I can also find a worse sandwich, or at least describe one. Yours does sound like it would tie mine at the very least

 
At 3:54 AM, Blogger Tiffany said...

Paul, you're my hero. I would never have enough balls/desperation to eat that sandwich.

 
At 10:13 AM, Blogger Jared said...

Dray, I was about to answer your question about opening links in new windows, that's what I get for not checking for updates often enough.

Man, a wet sandwich is gross enough, but a sweaty sandwich is a whole new level of horribleness.

You're right about those blood clots though, that's why I always take blood-thinning medication before flying. (Not responsible for any problems that result from following my advice.)

I always thought that you should stop wearing Hello Kitty backpacks out of elementary school, with the exception of midgets. (Those people can pull it off at any age.) My sister is almost 23, and still rocking with a Hello Kitty coinpurse, she is in fact a midget, but I think the Hello Kitty coinpurse is acceptable for all ages, midget or un-midget.

 
At 2:28 PM, Blogger somethingfresh said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 2:52 PM, Blogger somethingfresh said...

I'm not sure why airlines screen such bad sitcoms. Yesterday I had the good fortune of watching two bad episodes of Will & Grace on a Continental flight. I opted to switch over to their in-flight radio programming and that wasn't much better. Let’s just say that Continental's urban station isn't quite urban…

I also made a bad food choice. I wanted to be healthy and ordered a Green Tea Frappuccino. Wrong decision. Two sips and I was done. Now I know that green tea and crème do not play well together.

 
At 4:03 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I love your blog! You did an excellent job! I have a blog on xbox360 exposed if you would like to come and comment on it!

 
At 4:07 PM, Anonymous Jimmy Jimson said...

Evil Dave: Believe it or not I'm somewhat dislexic.

Very sorry about the name, although I do find it funny. Would hate to think it was on purpose.

And yeah, this Blog rules out loud!

 
At 12:18 AM, Anonymous Evil Dave said...

No worries, Jimmy Jimson. :) I can be quite the dork sometimes, so its not really far from the truth.

 
At 4:09 PM, Blogger Jimmy Jimson said...

not only dyslexic but also semi-literate.
Thanks Evil Dave, you're a cool guy.

 
At 9:03 PM, Blogger Paul said...

You All are the best what would I do wthout ya? You are singlehandely saving my blg.

 
At 9:03 PM, Blogger Paul said...

You All are the best what would I do wthout ya? You are singlehandely saving my blg.

 
At 9:51 PM, Anonymous Evil Dave said...

Thanks Jimmy, and thanks Paul too. I'm glad I found this site. I just wish there was a video clip of Paul re-enacting the Terrell Owens/Desperate Housewives clip from Monday Night Football last year. That had to be the funniest thing I have ever seen in my life. :)

 
At 2:56 AM, Blogger somethingfresh said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 3:14 PM, Blogger Jimmy Jimson said...

I hope you're serious Paul. Anyways, yer welcome, and thank YOU for adding a comment section and for posting more!

 
At 3:16 PM, Blogger Paul said...

No sarcasm at all, I love reading all the comments and feedback, it's great!

 
At 2:04 PM, Blogger Paul said...

Thanks for the crackers offer, but I fear if I start eating them, I'll never stop.

 
At 2:33 PM, Blogger Paul said...

One Day I'll get that Tererel Owen Video Up

 
At 8:23 PM, Anonymous Evil Dave said...

Oh man, get ready for a huge surge in bandwidth if you get that Terrell video up. I'm going to send that link to everyone, its too damn funny!

 
At 8:37 PM, Blogger Tony said...

Paul you are one of the funniest men alive!!!

 

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