Friday, September 30

John Roberts was Nominated to the Supreme Court Yesterday...

But Who Cares! I'm still trying to figure out what the hell is really going on LOST this Season.

First New Piece of Information:

The Same Car Hit Michael and Locke - Take a Look

The Shark Tail had the Dharma Logo on It

Plus Hurley told the Same Joke Last Season as Desmond told in this week, "What Did One Snowman Say to the Other Snowman?

I Love This Show!

Thursday, September 29

A Long Time Ago in a Galaxy Far, Far Away....

Star Wars
Episode 48
The Opening Pitch
Things Have Been Going Horribly Wrong For Han Solo and Chewbacca. The decision to open up and play for a Minor League Baseball Team has totally backfired. Han has Let himself Go and Chewbacca's Form is for Shit! If only they didn't fire Admiral Akbar as their coach, now they'll never make the playoffs.

Here are Some Rejected Titles For This:
The Umpire Strikes Back
Revenge of the Pitch

Tuesday, September 27

Dr. Dan and Dr. Doug Changed My Life!

Last Night I was Lucky Enough to attend a Free Lecture From Dr. Dan and Dr. Doug, The Country's Premiere Problem Solvers. You Might Recognize them from their 1st New York Times Bestseller:

Not accredited by any institution, Dr. Dan and Dr. Doug are not really even Doctors (in the Legal Sense) but they have a combined 40 Year Degree from the School of Hard Knocks and Dr. Dan broke CD Cases with his Bare Hands! Which is something you can learn to do in their follow up book:

They describe themselves as a mix of Dr. Phil, Tony Robbins, and Robin Williams' Character From Good Will Hunting, Dr. Dan and Dr. Doug told me the life lessons I always knew but failed to realize. Their helpful POWER TIPS have me looking at the World in a Whole New Way.

"If you have a Choice Between a Sandwich and a Muffin, Choose the Sandwich"

"When you're eating blueberries, you're only a 3 steps away from fingerbanging a muffin."

And Most Importantly

"Life Is! So Choose Now. Options are Success Which Will Embrace Today. Regret is the Bond that Fuses Doubt and we want to Attain Freedom from Our Mental Jails. Life?"

I've also learned that I need to be open to Suggestion. Asking Questions is like Burning Tires, when someone is trying to sell you a car. If I want to succeed in this life I need to stop fingerbanging Grapefruits and start using my Body when I don't have a Boogie Board.

Aggression is Good! So Everyday I'm going to Find Someone and tell them

"If it Came Down to It, I'll Stab You with a Steak Knife"


(Blank) You're On My Shit List!"

Normally there Lectures cost the same amount of Money that you have in your bank account and there Books go for a whopping $79.99, but they only charged us $500 and they also showed us their new Book for Children:

From Today Forward I'll going to start being my own Soul Janitor.

Sunday, September 25

Help Out and Get Cool Stuff

Like everyone else in the country, I wanted to donate some money to help Hurricane Katrina Victims. Unfortunately My Disposable Income for such a thing isn't at All Time High, so I decided to sell a bunch of stuff on Ebay instead with all the proceeds going towards Mercy Corps

So if you'd like to bid on any of this stuff, here it is:

My Whole CD Collection

The Lasting Remains of the LaserDisc Era

A Bunch XBOX Games

Some Really Random DVDs

Thursday, September 22

Closeup of Desmond's Patch From Lost (2nd Season Premiere)

Also Check out this Soundfile of Walt (Played Backwards)

Monday, September 19

Where Have I Been?

In a Place with No Internet Access.

Once my Schedule comes back to normal, the posting will resume. Please stick with me during this time of transition. I appreciate it.

In the mean time Check this out

Britney's Lasers

Wednesday, September 7

I Suck at Video Games

Whenever I’m traveling for a long period of time. I always have to ask myself a very important question…Should I pack my XBOX?

Watching me stand in my apartment and decide whether or not I should take this device is probably similar to watching a recovering Crack Head deliberate if he should smoke that spare crack rock some one left on the kitchen table.

Why so much deliberating? Because I run through different scenarios where the Xbox would be absolutely necessary. For example maybe I run into someone cool and fun when I’m traveling and they are like “Do you want to play Xbox live?” and if I bring with me it I can proudly say, “YES!” OR maybe the President’s Daughters are kidnapped and CNN is only playing boring video of the searches, “Viola, I got my Xbox.” Mainly I always believe that the Xbox is going to give me a much need respite. Keep in mind, I never think of actually exercising or getting out of the house-it’s all virtual.

Be that as it may, inevitably I realize I don’t want to carry around my 50-Pound Xbox so I leave it home. But I go through withdrawal. Last week was the worst, I actually went to Electronic Boutique, Oh yeah, and I don’t call it EB Games. It’s a nerd store I want to call it by its nerd moniker. They should embrace it. I knew I was hitting rock bottom because I actually considered buying a used Nintendo Game Cube…A GAME CUBE!!?? What was I thinking? I’m an addict. However in my defense that purchased stemmed out of a desire to purchase as Studios Theme Park: The Game. Where apparently you pretend to ride the fake rides at Universal! So Meta.

Now here’s the biggest problem, I’m not good enough to be into Videogames. Chances are if we go head to head you’ll beat me, even if you’re not so good. Versus the computer, I’m better but my settings are always on Easy, Novice and/or Pussy.

I especially like the boring parts of games. Sports games forgot the sports I like picking my colors, naming my players and making my players looks exactly like my friends. I also like creating a perfecting a realistic draft. Then I obsess all day long about how my team can get a better defense. To me a perfect game would be one where you celebrate after the games, take a shower, and drive home. I love the mundane, especially on GTA. A Game in which my character works out, dances, and has ridden more motorcycles more than I ever have in my life.

Now I’m made it abundantly clear on this blog more than a few times, I like nerdy stuff. However I don’t want everyone to know that. I normally approach the video game section of normal/cool stores like I’m approaching porn section of a video store. Constantly making a face that conveys, “How did I get here? Oh, what’s this? Video Games…Interesting. Well, it’s not really my thing but I guess I’ll take a look.” Then I quickly grab a hint guide to GTA: San Andreas quickly turn to exact page of the mission where I’m stuck memorize the hint. Drop the book and scatter.

My most embarrassing video game nerd moment came when I got suckered into playing that Donkey Kong Game where you bang a drum with your hands to move your character. By the way I say “suckered into”, but I just waited on a line of a bunch of 6th graders until my turn came. At first I was like, “This is silly.” I casually tapped it, then I got way too into it and I was Awesome. I totally forgot I was in a living room set of a large store department store. Now I’m totally kicking ass in Donkey Kong Land and in a moment of celebration I lift my head to smile and who do make direct eye contact with but none other than but Ana Faris. I totally just blew it in front of Ana Faris. It’s almost as embarrassing as the time when I went to see Major League 2 in the theater by myself and the girl I had a major crush on sat behind me with her boyfriend and right before the movie started she was like, “Who are you here with?” and I said, “Myself” which solidified me as a total nerd. Suffice it to say that crush never materialized.

So is there room for me in this world with professional gamers who get Doritos Extreme and Mountain Dew Sponsorships. Well, I’ve thought about it long and hard and yes there is. I’m the guy you can kill easily when you practice and I’m happy to be of service…I’m an American Hero.

Monday, September 5

The Night Was Made for Diddy

For One Night,

For 3 1/2 Hours.

Television Was Perfect.

I am of course talking about the 2005 MTV Video Music Awards.

As far as I’m concerned Americans can stop watching TV because nothing will ever come close to topping the insanity of that One Night from Miami.

Seriously the 2005 VMAs hosted by Diddy was Awesome*. I Loved It. However if you didn’t see the night’s festivities (Which is a feat within itself considering the fact that since it’s premiere last week it’s been on MTV about 47 times) you missed out. Because besides being a night full of entertainment it was also a real learning experience. Here are a few things that I learned (in no specific order).

• Sometimes the Best Opening Monologues are Purely Dance Based.

• Anything can Happen when it’s Diddy’s Show! Seriously Anything Can Happen! But if it does chances are it will be Bleeped, Blurred or Lame.

• Diddy’s Kids call him Diddy instead of Daddy. Cool!

• It’s not important to create a clear path to the stage for your award winners. Kudos to MTV for adding one last obstacle between the award winner and their award (Re: Kelly Clarkson’s Struggle to reach the stage after encountering a Kirsten Dunst Traffic Jam was forced to take a short cut through a waterfall).

• The best audience reaction shots are of people who are totally disinterested, unhappy, or really old and out of place. It makes the entire show seem less fake.

• Little John isn't above copping a feel

• Lip Synching is hard. Sometimes even the most professional singers can’t keep up with their own lyrics.

• Notorious B.I.G. sounds better when Diddy is conducting Orchestral Versions of his singles.

• Sometime the best introductions sound like jokes but aren’t. For instance when Diddy introduced Jessica and Ashlee Simpson as “The Hottest Simpson’s on South Beach” -That the best he could come up with? (Plus I would think Joe Simpson’s feelings were hurt because he was definitely in South Beach that weekend) Another good example of this type of exchange happened when Common asked Johnny Knoxville what he has and Knoxville responded by saying, “I’ve got a pocket full of amphetamines” Funny or the Truth? I don’t know!

• You can never have enough Dance Offs.

• Waters Falls and Fires aren’t just for Vegas Stage Shows.

• MC Hammer is Still Awesome! (Although we never Saw a Close-up of his Face)

• Eric Roberts will reimburse you if you don’t like his Songs Music (

• Jeremy Piven and Lil Kim are the new Odd Couple

• R. Kelly puts on the Best One Man Show since Hal Linden’s Mark Twain.

• When Diddy gives you a $10,000 watch be careful because security might take it back.

• Even when they are presented together in a Dance-Off I can’t tell the difference between “Clowning” and “Crumping.”

• Eva Longeria doesn’t let mind making Hurricane Jokes During the Hurricane.

These of course are just a few of the many more things one can learn from this show. What did you learn?

* Keep in Mind I might be biased because when I watched this, I hadn’t watched TV in 3 weeks.