Wednesday, September 7

I Suck at Video Games

Whenever I’m traveling for a long period of time. I always have to ask myself a very important question…Should I pack my XBOX?

Watching me stand in my apartment and decide whether or not I should take this device is probably similar to watching a recovering Crack Head deliberate if he should smoke that spare crack rock some one left on the kitchen table.

Why so much deliberating? Because I run through different scenarios where the Xbox would be absolutely necessary. For example maybe I run into someone cool and fun when I’m traveling and they are like “Do you want to play Xbox live?” and if I bring with me it I can proudly say, “YES!” OR maybe the President’s Daughters are kidnapped and CNN is only playing boring video of the searches, “Viola, I got my Xbox.” Mainly I always believe that the Xbox is going to give me a much need respite. Keep in mind, I never think of actually exercising or getting out of the house-it’s all virtual.

Be that as it may, inevitably I realize I don’t want to carry around my 50-Pound Xbox so I leave it home. But I go through withdrawal. Last week was the worst, I actually went to Electronic Boutique, Oh yeah, and I don’t call it EB Games. It’s a nerd store I want to call it by its nerd moniker. They should embrace it. I knew I was hitting rock bottom because I actually considered buying a used Nintendo Game Cube…A GAME CUBE!!?? What was I thinking? I’m an addict. However in my defense that purchased stemmed out of a desire to purchase as Studios Theme Park: The Game. Where apparently you pretend to ride the fake rides at Universal! So Meta.

Now here’s the biggest problem, I’m not good enough to be into Videogames. Chances are if we go head to head you’ll beat me, even if you’re not so good. Versus the computer, I’m better but my settings are always on Easy, Novice and/or Pussy.

I especially like the boring parts of games. Sports games forgot the sports I like picking my colors, naming my players and making my players looks exactly like my friends. I also like creating a perfecting a realistic draft. Then I obsess all day long about how my team can get a better defense. To me a perfect game would be one where you celebrate after the games, take a shower, and drive home. I love the mundane, especially on GTA. A Game in which my character works out, dances, and has ridden more motorcycles more than I ever have in my life.

Now I’m made it abundantly clear on this blog more than a few times, I like nerdy stuff. However I don’t want everyone to know that. I normally approach the video game section of normal/cool stores like I’m approaching porn section of a video store. Constantly making a face that conveys, “How did I get here? Oh, what’s this? Video Games…Interesting. Well, it’s not really my thing but I guess I’ll take a look.” Then I quickly grab a hint guide to GTA: San Andreas quickly turn to exact page of the mission where I’m stuck memorize the hint. Drop the book and scatter.

My most embarrassing video game nerd moment came when I got suckered into playing that Donkey Kong Game where you bang a drum with your hands to move your character. By the way I say “suckered into”, but I just waited on a line of a bunch of 6th graders until my turn came. At first I was like, “This is silly.” I casually tapped it, then I got way too into it and I was Awesome. I totally forgot I was in a living room set of a large store department store. Now I’m totally kicking ass in Donkey Kong Land and in a moment of celebration I lift my head to smile and who do make direct eye contact with but none other than but Ana Faris. I totally just blew it in front of Ana Faris. It’s almost as embarrassing as the time when I went to see Major League 2 in the theater by myself and the girl I had a major crush on sat behind me with her boyfriend and right before the movie started she was like, “Who are you here with?” and I said, “Myself” which solidified me as a total nerd. Suffice it to say that crush never materialized.

So is there room for me in this world with professional gamers who get Doritos Extreme and Mountain Dew Sponsorships. Well, I’ve thought about it long and hard and yes there is. I’m the guy you can kill easily when you practice and I’m happy to be of service…I’m an American Hero.


At 3:12 AM, Blogger Scott the Reader said...

I'm not spam, and I still think it's an excellent blog. So it's all good.

At 10:45 AM, Blogger somethingfresh said...

Yeah, you may be an American Hero but you'll never be The Greatest American Hero...

Maybe Ana Faris likes a man who can play a wicked game of Donkey Kong. It might've been different if you were say playing Frogger, but Donkey Kong is definitely girl approved.

At 12:44 PM, Anonymous Tannis said...

I love the clip art. Classy.

At 4:57 PM, Blogger Jimmy Jimson said...

Not sure if they covered this in Catholic school, but girls like it when boys get excited.
Make no mistake, this doesn't mean they want to hear about the thing that excites you, unless it's them.

I suck at games too. Can't ever afford to go easy, but I'd let you beat me. Sounds like you might not have to let Ana beat you.

At 4:21 PM, Blogger somethingfresh said...

Saw Asssscat 3000 last night, it was great. Your absence was missed.

At 8:50 AM, Anonymous Evil Dave said...

Hey Paul, I have an off-topic question for you.

Let's say that I have a chance to go see Bridget the Midget in action this weekend, but it's about 3-4 hours away. Should I do it? What if I can't find anyone else that will go with me? Is that kinda creepy to drive that far by yourself, just to see Bridget? lol

Serious responses only, please.

At 12:51 AM, Anonymous Evil Dave said...

suddenly i feel like i am in the middle of a ghosttown. i feel like the world has abandoned this webpage, aside from myself. if i could pick up the reigns and try to steer it towards life, then surely i would.

i wish the comments had dates attached to them, so i could see how many days ago i wrote that last comment. i think i just saw a tumbleweed roll by.

if anyone sees this message, please respond to my bridget-related question up above. that is this weekend, sept 16th and 17th.

At 4:26 AM, Blogger Jimmy Jimson said...

If she actually does something, I'd have to say yes.
Why don't you give us the details?

At 7:58 AM, Anonymous Evil Dave said...

bridget is a stripper who used to do porn. she's probably the most famous midget stripper/pornstar there is. she's also been featured in popular men's magazines such as maxim or bizarre. you can check her out at -- she's pretty darn cool.

she also has a band that she tours with, but i doublechecked and this is not a music act it is an adult event. i think it sounds like a fun time and would be a great story to tell afterwards. however most of my friends disagree with me on that one, and the thought of going there alone scares me.

At 3:07 AM, Blogger Scott the Reader said...

Go for it.

And if anyone sees the gap-toothed wonder, tell him he needs to start posting again. We need our fix.

At 8:44 AM, Blogger Jimmy Jimson said...

if it seems worth it to you, then go.
Personally, I think it's a blessing to NOT have your friends share your kinks. Save one or two "special" friends that is.

At 5:47 AM, Anonymous Christopher Scheer said...

My last name is Scheer and I suck at video games too and I like the drafts more than playing Madden -- who can play that shit anyway? -- so I think maybe we should have a video game tournement just for people named Scheer. We can invite this hottie:

At 10:35 PM, Blogger sabatkes said...

Ohmyfriggngawd! I'm posting on your site! Can't believe I found it. This is soooo cool. I find you incredibly funny, Mr. Scheer. Great site!!! I'm a fan,but not stalker material for you-sorry.

I don't suck at any video games played on my Atari 2600. The only video games I play now are the Sims2 and any casino games.

At 12:57 PM, Blogger Paul said...

A Lot of Comments are here and I've been deliquent:

1.) Evil Dave: Did you see Bridget?
2.) Something Fresh-Thank You..Multiple Times.
3.) Scot: I'm in the middle of Moving. It's Overwhelming! But I will back with a Vengeance in October.
4.) Jennifer: Awesome Site, Everybody Check it Out.
5.) Sabatkes-I had Coleco and I rocked the Smurfs Game like no ones business.


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