Thursday, October 20

A Broken Heart...Never Heals

I Recently Recieved a Letter From a Friend...Enjoy (and Remember This is REAL!)

From: Davey XXXX
Friends, Some of you may remember by ex-girlfriend Sarah. I recently received a letter from her. I would appreciate it if you would take the time to read it and review my response. I hope all of you are well.

May 23, 2005
Dear Davey:
I have had a difficult time, over the past few years, achieving
closure of our relationship. It is time for me to seek this. I have
gone through the appropriate stages of anger, remorse, sadness. It
is now time for me to close this chapter of my life.
I am trying to recapture my life and gain a sense of identity back.
In my professional life I have done this, but my personal life
struggles. For so long I/We were "Sarah and Davey", that it is hard
to gain my own identity back. I am not worried about my career; I
will soon succeed even! my wildest dreams. I am just stunted by my
personal life.

I am ready to release you from my life. I also on a weekly basis
encounter people who want to tell me about you or have a discussion
about you. I do not want to deal with this anymore. I do have a
proposal on how to handle this.

I am ready to no longer be forced to deal with your presence. As to
how to deal with it, I propose the following:

1. I've heard you have an apartment on the West side. You need to
move out of the West side of Indianapolis, this has always been my
side of town, I own a house here, and do not rent like you. I grew up
here, and always want to live here. I would prefer if you were to
leave Indianapolis all together, but I know this is more than I can
ask. I do not want to risk running into you at any store.

2. We should officially divide our friends.
Particularly Jim, Jillian, Amy, and Ed. You should write them,
thanking them for the opportunity to be their friend and explain
why you can no longer be in contact with them. I can provide you with
addresses, if you need.

3. I will stay out of Republican politics.
I promise not to get involved with any Republican politics, unless my
father runs for judge, and than I reserve the right to work on his

4. I would like you to not have anything to do with all things
I feel I should have ownership of the school since my mother works
there and my brother and sisters went there. You are more tied to
Wabash. This should be where you dedicate your alumni status. I will
be involved in Cathedral. When the time of reunions comes up, I am
willing to say that you can have the reunions ending in "0" years and
I will take the"5" years. So you can have 10 years and I will take 25

5. I will avoid Wabash contacts.
The few guys from the house I still speak to on a rare basis, I will
not. I will also discourage any male offspring I have from attending

I know some of these things seem a bit harsh, but I feel they are
for the best. I do not ever really wish to see you again. I know that
this will of course happen beyond my control, but I think we should
do our best to avoid what we can.

It is my sincere hope that you understand, and do take the time to
respond. This is my last request of you.

With fondness,


May 31, 2005
Dear Sarah,

Thanks for your letter. We broke up 3 years ago.
Knowing that and taking into consideration you believe me to be a
cold, career focused, ego-maniac, what on earth makes you think I
would take the time to think about you or agree to your proposal? But
since I clearly have taken the time to respond, please take a moment
to review some comments and counterproposals I have crafted.

1. First, I will have to resist the burning urge to move RIGHT NEXT
After that deep desire subsides, I will vacate the Westside and
return to my roots: The Snooty Northside, as you used to call it.
However, since I was born on the Northside and I have Northside in my
veins you must abdicate a! ll ties to the North.

This includes:
Living on the Northside, living on the Northeastside, walking down
North Street, being a fan of the Dallas Stars (formerly the Minnesota
North Stars), wearing North Face apparel or telling your children
that Santa lives at the North Pole.

1 (B). I was born in Indianapolis before you were so I should really
get to determine who stays and who goes. In my benevolence I will let
you exist here only within the St. Michael's Parish boundary (MLK Dr.
to High School Rd. and 56th Street to 10th St.) We will call this
the SarahZone. This should be acceptable for you as your family lives
across the street and there is a gas station, grocery, convenience
store, your place of employment and a fire station. Exceptions can be
made with my expressed written consent. You will be required to
display a large tag in your windshield giving you permission to
travel beyond the SarahZone.

2. I haven't talked to your friends since we broke up. I think they
got the message. However since we apparently are still in fourth
grade, please have your friends meet me by the playground at recess
so that I can tell them they have big fat heads and they aren't my
friends anymore.

Do you agree? _______Yes ________No________Maybe

2 (B). One of the few times you let us do something fun, we visited
some of my family friends on Geist. It was about eight years ago. We
enjoyed their boat and home for several hours during a pre-500
party. Please jot them a note saying you are going to forget that
ever happened. Please also offer to reimburse them for the boat gas,
pool chlorine, air conditioning Freon, Dr. Pepper and anything else
you consumed while you were there. I don't have their address
anymore, you can look it up.

3. Please let me know when your father runs for anything. I'm going
to run against him.

3 (B). Thanks for staying out of Republican politics. Your
heavyweight presence in the party will be sorely missed. I am very
involved in ice hockey. I play recreationally and coach a youth team
in the winter. I would prefer it if you could stop being involved in
all things related to ice and ice hockey. You can use those instant
first aid coldpaks to cool your drinks from now on.

Also, my parents have been very involved with the Indianapolis 500
Festival for nearly 20 years. The month of May is really a big month
for us. While I am not able to honor your request of moving out of
Indianapolis, I would ask that you just leave town during May. With
250,000 fans going to the race and 35,000 runners in the
Mini-Marathon, I don't want to run the risk of bumping into you.

I know your birthday is in May, but man, I just don't care.

4. Christ, I don't have the energy for this one.

5. If any of my friends from Wabash actually still talk to you, they
are fucking fired as friends.

5 (B). I'm not going to tell my kids anything about you. But
speaking of kids, it would be okay with me if my son was a crack
addict, just as long as he got your kids hooked on it and became
their dealer.

In closing, I will never make decisions about my life or my family
based on whether I might run in! to you at the store. I am now
convinced that if we ever do bump into each other, you will
spontaneously combust. I wish you t! he best of luck find a spouse.

Seriously. It won't be easy to find a person who is willing to spend
the rest of his life raising children and making decisions based on
your crazy-ass proposal to an ex-boyfriend and your inability to act
like a rational human being.

All my best,



At 5:55 PM, Blogger somethingfresh said...

I was actually going to post a comment earlier, but decided against it because frankly, who really wants to talk about something that happened a few weeks ago. And now we’ve got something this juicy.

Closure is a strange phenomenon -- an addiction I fear. About two years ago, I received a letter from an old boyfriend who was going through a 12-step program and felt the need to resolve any issues he may still have regarding our relationship. In the letter, which most definitely freaked me out, I learned that I was the cause of his drug problems (apparently I let him use and didn’t stop him when he abused…his words. Such a poet!) I wrote him back, which did no good then made a bad decision and met him for lunch. THE WORST LUNCH OF MY LIFE (worth every capitalization). After that day, we never spoke again. Closure, who knows why we need it, but frankly it sucks when it’s directed at you.

At 1:18 PM, Anonymous bran said...

this is amazing.

At 1:38 PM, Anonymous ZNB said...

Thank you for posting that... Hilarious.

Totally made my afternoon! hahaha.

At 5:33 PM, Blogger fgjgj said...

Am I alone in being terrified that someone with this level of delusion is walking the streets and not in an institution where she would be safe from harming herself and others?

At 2:27 PM, Blogger Tiffany said...

Wow...people like this exist in our world?

Good thing I won't be in Indianapolis anytime soon.

At 7:13 PM, Blogger sabatkes said...

that's just too damn FUBAR!

At 3:22 PM, Blogger Jimmy Jimson said...

Truth be stranger than fiction matey! (arrrgh)

Keep it in the back of your mind that you are brilliant enough to write something like that.

At 5:09 PM, Anonymous evil dave said...

more props to paul for getting laid all the time! woohoo!

At 3:47 PM, Blogger Crystal said...


At 7:56 PM, Anonymous kk said...

Did I like your post?

Maybe So:
None of these, I ADORED it!

At 10:35 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...


At 11:42 AM, Anonymous Baldric said...

So she's single now, right? Can I have her number?

At 12:49 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

...5b is my favorite...but they're all pretty hilarious...i'm thankful i found this little gem... sucks...

At 3:52 PM, Blogger Rhoda M. said...

Okay I am now a faithful reader of yours...

And on behalf of female Republicans I am completely and totally sorry for this girls behavior.

At 6:56 PM, Anonymous kk said...

I loved this article! PLEASE keep on posting.

At 2:01 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

i think i dated someone that could be her brother...

At 6:08 PM, Blogger Sherpa said...

I'm now scared of people in Indiana...and Indianapolis. That being said, this is amazing. I agree with bran.

At 8:50 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is not real. You should remove it from the site.

At 7:16 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hard to believe that someone wanted a closure 3 years later! She must have been madly in love with you!


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