Wednesday, November 30

Lost for Dummies

Are Sick of Your Friends Refusing to Catch up on Lost or Even Worse You Still Haven't watched the 1st Season, Well have no fear because Paul's Lost Guide for Dummies is Here!

Jen Carlson and the Great People over at PaperMag gave me an opportunirty to encapsulate the entire show in 1000 words, which is really hard, but I did it. Below is the 1st draft of the same article with up to date episode info...Enjoy


Why is Ana Lucia Such a Bitch?
Is Shannon Really Dead?
Where Did Desmond Go?
How Did Locke Get Paralyzed?
Did you see the Dharma Symbol on the Shark’s Tale?

If you don’t what the Hell I’m talking about than chances you haven’t been watching Lost. So my question to you is, “WHY The F NOT?”

Lost, it’s the biggest show on TV since Twin Peaks, but instead of watching it you’ve spent the last year and half watching back to back reruns of “Everyone Loves Raymond” on TBS.

So, you made a bad move. Admit it, you’re a social pariah, you can’t keep up with water cooler conversations and your friends mock you when you show your ignorance about the topic at dinner party conversations. Not watching this show was the worst thing you’ve ever done.

To make matters worse, now you’re convinced you can never catch up. You might have even contemplated suicide (which would have been reasonable in your case.) But I’m here to tell you, “Don’t give up yet! All hope isn’t Lost” (Did you see that pun I just made? Pretty sweet, right?)

I’m going catch you up, fill you in, and make you appear that you actually are in the know. Now before we begin let me just say that to get every detail of this show would probably fill up a book, this is more like the GED version of the Lost, think of it as a homemade sling that will keep you safe till you can hit the real hospital.

So, What is it About Again?
On a trip from Australia to Los Angeles Oceanic Flight 815, went off course, lost radio contact and was ripped apart in mid air after a bout of terrible turbulence. The crash left 2 sets of survivors on different parts of the island, neither knew the others where there (until very recently-but we’ll get into that later). Now without anyway to contact the outside world these groups must try to survive until they are rescued.

Who are “The Characters?” Everyone talks about the “Great Characters”
First of all, don’t be condescending. All the survivors are interesting in their own right but we only have so much time and you won’t remember all their names.

So here’s an overview. So far the survivors we know are made up of a Fugitive, a Heroin Addict, a Doctor, a Confidence Man, a Member of the Iraqi Republican Guard, a New Mother and baby, a Rich Step Brother and Sister (that slept with each other), A newly reunited Father and Son, a Korean Couple (who’s English isn’t so good), a formerly paralyzed middle manager at box company, a fat guy, and of course a no nonsense black woman. All these characters make up the survivors of the front part of the plane.

But that’s not all we recently discovered that there are also survivors from the tail section of the plane. The recently discovered tail-enders are still slightly unknown…We have a mysterious black man, a psychologist, and old white dude (who loves chocolate) and a tough as nails leader named Ana Lucia.

Ok, They’re Trapped on an Island. Big Deal. Why Do I Care?
I’ll tell you why you care, because this Island is crazy! This is like Kafka’s version of Gilligan’s Island. First of all there may or may not be a monster on it, we don’t know, all we do know is that a giant unseen but very loud something has killed the pilot of the plane. Secondly, we just found out that the island was a science experiment gone wrong. Set up by a collective known as the Dharma Initiative there are 6 base stations all around the island that are set up to research such many different areas of science including meteorology, psychology, para-psychology, zoology, electro-magnetism, and utopian social something or rather. So far we only have seen 2 of them, but we learned about it through an orientation tape left in one of the stations. Finally, there are a group of “others” on the island that have kidnapped (adults and children) and alleged killed survivors on the island. They are scary and some don’t wear shoes.

That’s a lot of Info…What do I really need to Know

John Locke (Bald Guy) The Island Cured his Paralysis (no one knows that he was ever paralyzed). He believes they are there for a reason. He’s the optimist who wants to explore and full his destiny.

Jack (Party of Five Guy) He’s the De-Facto Leader. He was an amazingly successful surgeon in the real world and now he sets the agenda for the group. He doesn’t like the responsibility but he does it anyway. He has lost his ability to believe. We don’t know why?

These two fight.

I’d also keep my eye on Ana Lucia and Mr. Ecko the Jack and John of the back section of the plane.

So What’s Going On? Give Me the Story.
The plane crashes. The 43 survivors of the front section of the plane set up camps and learn to fend for themselves. The Iraqi soldier sets out to explore the island and finds a crazy French woman (Danielle) who is also stranded from a boat crash 16 years ago. She tells him about a group of “others” that stole her baby and killed her crew. Back at the camp the pregnant survivor is kidnapped presumably by an “other” who has secretly mixed in with the group over the last few weeks. After a failed search and rescue the pregnant woman, is returned (unharmed) with no memory of the experience. The “other” appears again and is killed against Jack’s will in a moment of rage (we learn nothing about him or his motives).

Back on the beach three men build a homemade raft while Locke and a companion stumble across a large metal hatch in he middle of the Jungle, that is impossible to open. The men set sail on their raft and after a few hours of travel they encounter another boat, they think they’ve being rescued but then the shady pirates that have approached them kidnap one of the men’s son (Walt) and attempt to kill the rest of them by destroying the raft with a homemade bomb, leaving the men stranded at sea.
The Hatch is blow open by some dynamite that was found on a pirate ship that was washed ashore in the center of the island (Weird!) and inside the Hatch is man named Desmond, who lives in a state of the art science facility (run by the Dharma Initiative). He also crashed on the island during a race around the world and was called into this hatch by an excitable man (who has since passed) he was then told that he must enter a series of numbers into an old commodore 64 looking computer every 108 minutes or else something horrible with happen (like the end of the world). Desmond runs away leaving the survivors to take over this repetitive task.

Back out at sea, the men swim to another part of the island and are attacked by what turns out to be…Drumroll… the tail end survivors of the crash. The tail-enders are led physically by Ana Lucia, who is a real bitch, most likely because most of the survivors from her side have been captured, killed and betrayed by the “others”. The tail-enders have had a tough 44 days especially Mr. Ecko who after killing two of “the others” during a nighttime raid did not speak to anyone for 40 days. However regardless of their hardships they have yet to really experience the mystical side of the island. The closest they’ve come to learning about the “others” is through a conversation with one of them, who like Ethan secretly infiltrated their group. Ana Lucia of course killed him but before she did she found out that the “others” only want “the good people” and the captured are in “a better place”.

Anyway the raft guys set out to connect to two groups by trekking across the island. Meanwhile Walt is appearing to the rich step sister (Shannon) in visions that only she can see (and when he does appear, he speaks backwards). Trying to convince herself that she’s not crazy Shannon chases her vision of Walt into the jungle and is shot by Ana Lucia who thinks she is an “other” attacking her group. So far that’s all we know.

Questions? I’ve Got a Lot
Get used to it. So Does America. You’ll even have more once you see all the episodes.

Did You Miss Anything?
Actually Yeah…Here is a few things that might be worth mentioning:

• The Kidnapped Boy (Walt) has weird undefined powers that on occasion allow him to materialize things that are on his mind.

• Jack and Desmond had an encounter before the met in the hatch over 10 years ago about the power of faith.

• In one episode we saw a shark with a Dharma Initiative symbol on its tail.

• 4, 18, 15, 16, 23, 42 are the numbers entered into Desmond’s computer and have significance throughout the show and with certain characters (mainly the Fat Guy-Hurley).

• The creator of the Show has been quoted numerous times as saying, “There are no dinosaurs on the island and the characters aren’t dead nor in purgatory.

What if after reading this I never watch the show? How can I save myself from the shame and embarrassment of not knowing what’s going on in front of my friends.

It’s easy. The entire show is built upon reaction to the previous episode and theories about upcoming ones. So if we assume you are quiet during the reaction you can always throw out these vague questions and statements that make it appear like you have watched the show. Here are some scatter brained theories that will make you appear smart, set them up and let the other people in your group debate it, while you reap the rewards of being in the know.

• Do you think Alvar Hanso, that creepy guy that funded the Dharma Initiative might be Locke’s Dad?

• The book Desmond was reading, has theories about Time Travel and Alternate Realities, is that a clue? Could the Island be a Time Traveling Device?

• The Monster sounds more like a Machine then an Animal. Who’s with me?

• Why don’t the Dudes Beards Grow past Perfect Stubble?

• I think there could be multiple sets of “others” because the ones that kidnapped Walt don’t look like the barefoot ones we saw on the other side of the island.

• The Car that hit Michael, Locke and Kate is the same…Coincidence?

That’s it?
Yes, for now. So what are you waiting for? Get yourself to a Water Cooler you got LOST to talk about.

Thursday, November 24

A Thanksgiving Experiment

Happy Thanksgiving!

In the Spirit of the Holiday Everyone Post The Most Ridiculous, Racist, or Obscure Thing That a Member of Your Family said today and I'll compile them here and Post them in a Blog Entry, later this week.

I'll Start...

"I just think the Jews should have Fought Back during World War 2, There were so Many of Them"-My Grandma

Wednesday, November 23

Pictures From the Freeway

Now That I'm in LA, I spend a lot of Time Driving...Yesterday I saw a License Plate Holder that Just Screamed,"Pull Me Over!"

Not only does this License Plate say, "Hey, I like to Smoke Weed but it also simultaneously says you probably wouldn't want to smoke it with me because I'm the type of person who likes to buy Novelty License Plate Cozies"

Friday, November 18

Las Vegas: Night One Recap (What I Learned)

The Gang from Best Week Ever and UCB Theater's ASSCATT are out here in Vegas for The Comedy Festival and so far it's been great, we're all staying at the Palatial Caeser's Palace, where the Statues Talk, the Bathrooms Have Flat Screen T.V.'s., and if you are lucky you can play a Video Slot Machine based on the Movie Alien.

Here's Some Things i've Learned So Far.....

- No Matter how Much Hovering and/or Extensive Planning you put into meeting Larrry David chances are you probably are going to have an akward encounter with him. This is something Aziz and I learned first hand last night when our careful orchestrated plans to strike up a unique conversation with him were quickly squashed. Instead of our original plans of hanging with Larry we just settled for a long and awkward "Hey" which quicly led to a LD walkaway...Keep in mind, it seemed like we were the only people that coundnt get past the initial greeting. However on retrospect I'm beginning to believe our interaction (where we came off as stalkers) was actually better than having a normal conversation with him.

-Shrimp is apparently at a Surplus in Las Vegas...Which is slightlly unnerving since it's a land locked state.

-David Copperfield is the Coolest Dude, Ever! Sure You can pay $97.00 to watch his Vegas Stage Show (and it would be worth it) but it's mch more fullfillng to watch him make someone's Ipod Nano dissapear while ordering drinks at a crowded bar.

-Apparently George Wallace is the King of Your Mamma Jokes, just Check out his Sign

Hopefully Things will Continue in this Direction

Tuesday, November 15

The Commentarium Presents: Trapped in the Closet (Chapters 1-12)

Trapped in the Closet (Chapters 1-12)

For everyone out there making DVD commentaries, I have one word for you, “STOP!”

There is absolutely no way anyone can top the pure insanity of
R. Kelly candidly watching and talking about his Hip-Hop Opera “Trapped in the Closet” on his newly released compilation DVD. Seriously, this is why DVD commentaries were invented.

Now since it’s a “video commentary track” in addition to listening to R. Kelly talk about creating one of the best films ever made, yeah you heard me Battleship Potemkin, you ain’t so hot anymore. You can also get to watch R. Kelly watching himself on the big screen the entire time. He sits in a plush easy chair smoking a giant cigar (not the best idea in a darkened movie theater), and often nods his head in agreement with the sentiments expressed in the song while laughing at the truth of his creation. It’s like God watching a video of the 1st 12 days of Earth.

I’ll admit I was under the misconception that R. Kelly was a tough guy (a baler, if you will), but instead on the commentary he’s really sweet and almost bashful when explaining the risqué situations occurring in the film, keep in mind this is a guy who pulls out his Berretta upwards of 50 times in 40 minutes. R even apologizes for using “profanities” in the song but explains, that the foul language “was an attempt to make lyrics 3-D” and it worked, I felt like those Fucks were flying out of the screen at me.

For those of you not content to just watch the epic Homerian drama of the piece, R also is quick to tell the audience that “Trapped” is a “real life game and that the viewers can try to guess what the characters will say and do next.” For example you might think that the wife of the cop (Bridget) would be cheating with a white dude, but no I was wrong it was a black male, stripper with an enormous shlong named Big Man who easily shits his pants. I was so close. It’s kinda like that board game, “Life” but with gay preachers and infidelity.

My favorite moments are when R demonstrates the different tonal qualities of all the different characters in an impromptu musical performance. I also grew to love the often awkward and long periods of silence, it’s really like you are sitting next to him with nothing to say. You also learn about R Kelly’s philosophy like “when things are alright you make love.” The best moment however is around minute 21 when the director of the DVD commentary clearly fell asleep because every time R. Kelly talks to one camera it switches to the other creating the effect of always watching the back of R’s head. It’s hysterical.

I guess the most interesting thing about this commentary track is that he spends most of his time narrating his narration. Which is slightly insulting, it’s like he’s talking to a head trauma patient that doesn’t understand that when he sings, “I drove home at 88” that what he means is that he drove home real fast.

R. Kelly is always quick to tell the often viewer that this film “makes sense, so much sense.” He also admits that he has “no idea how this rhyming happened.” R confides, “to be honest I needed a rhyme for Dresser and I was like Berretta, I didn’t even think about it, it just happened” Exactly!

However I’m concerned as a viewer that R might not know what the term “cliffhanger” actually means because he defines cliffhangers as “having asthma”, “being blessed (Re: Big Dick), and “liking cherry pie.” Which are not necessarily them same cliffhanging techniques that 1940 serials succeed with. Just imagine Flash Gordon about to defeat Ming the Merciless when he starts eating Cherry Pie, What a cliffhanger!

He even goes, as far to say, “There wasn’t a cliffhanger that’s the cliffhanger.” Now he just sounds like that weird kid I went to school with who drew mazes that had no exits and claimed that was the point, but in reality he just forgot to draw one.

So, Is “Trapped in the Closet” the work of a Genius or a Madman? Who knows? Although after watching the commentary track I’m leaning to Madman.

In true Trapped in the Closet Form, R ends the Commentary on a Cliffhanger…Which I won’t spoil here. Suffice to say, if you only listen to one DVD commentary track in your life let it be this one it.

For More Commentarium Tracks Click

IF you are a Fan of Arrested Development Watch This

Monday, November 14


I've Got a Bunch...

It seems like I hadn't updated My Website Since July.

Yeah, Sorry about the That.

Check out My Upcoming Best Week Ever Live and UCB LA Shows in the Calendar

New Videos including the Conclusion of Gemberling and Episode 2 of Shutterbugs in the TV Section

New Info and 2 Great Articles in the About Me Page

Great New Links including a Neo Nazis, German Designers and R. Kelly Cliff Notes.

Plus MySpace Profile has been Redone...Let's Be Virtual Friends.

Check it out...

Saturday, November 12

This Could Be The Best Movie of 2007

25 Years Ago A Vietnam Vet Just Wanted to Hitchhike Across Country, but "The Man" Wouldn't Let Him. So He Went Crazy and Hunted Down That Small Town's Police Force.

3 Years Later that Same Veteran was released from Federal Prison on a Special Assignment to Rescue all the Remaining POWs from Vietnam, He Did it and Showed those Pencil Pushing Military Jerks What's What.

3 Years After That He went to Afghanistan and Blew Some Shit Up and Saved Some Dude.

23 Years Later RAMBO IS BACK!

I'm So Psyched For This Movie and I'm not a Rambo Fan!

In the Past I've talked about My Love For Stallone, But I think This Might Be His Best Movie Yet!

This Movie is going to Be Amazingly Ridiculous. Think about it. When it's Released in the Theaters John Rambo will be about 62 Years Old. Only a Few Years away from getting an AARP Card. My Grandparents are in there 60's if they started carrying around Giant Bowie Knifes, I'd be nervous and I'd probably call the authorities, after of course I videotaped them for a little bit because that tape would be pretty funny to show at parties and stuff.

Rambo's Slogan Used to Be, "God would have mercy John Rambo won't!" Now think about saying that about someone who wears golf hats and smells vaguely of Mothballs, it doesn't neccessarily pack the same emotional punch.

I Just Imagine Rambo Drinking Ensure and Falling Asleep in the middle of a Recon Assignment. I can't even imagine who he could be pissed at anymore, maybe he's mad at the local Wal-Mart because they wouldn't hire him as a greeter or at Applebees because they wouldn't give him the Seniors Menu. Either way I just want to see one scene where he tries to use a computer and tries talking into mouse like a microphone to try to make it work.

Now All We Have to Do is Get Someone Working on the Script for "Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot 2" and Finally everything will be Right in the World!

Monday, November 7

Where The Hell Have I Been?

Good Question...The Last Two Months Have Been Crazy.

Here's a Recap: I Moved to Los Angeles. My Dad got Married. I was on Tour for Most of October. I was Bought a Car, Got Insurance, Was Hit By a Drunk Driver (No Injuries) , Waited for the Cable Guy and Spent more Time in Target and Ikea then I care to mention (I seriously know the entire floorplan of my local Target with my eyes closed. I tried it) And Before that l spent about 3 Weeks in My New York Apartment with nothing but a Leaky Aero Bed and The Firefly DVD Boxset (It's Actually Really Good..Especially the Later Episodes...I Loved The Bounty Hunter One)

So Now that I'm Settled I decided to finally post again. Suffice it to Say, I Feel Slightly Rusty. So If My Returning Posts are Less then Stellar, Stick with Me. They'll get Better....I Hope.

Anyway, enough of my excuses. Here is something I found in the Elevator of My New Building, Check out This Great Deal

What the Hell Sunny? 200 Hats and Scarves! Who has that many Hats and Scarves at their Disposal that can be ready on a Moments Notice? It seems to me he's like a Bad Supervillian who amassed the Wrong Product. It's like he had a plan of World Domination with Pashminas that failed and now he's on to taking over the world with Broken Cell-Phones. I don't trust him or his Hat Super Army. This story is Developing. But when the Hats and Scarves take over (and they will) don't say I didn't warn you!
Also I'll be Performing in the Las Vegas Comedy Festival in Best Week Ever LIVE and ASSCATT November 17-19th in Las Vegas.