Tuesday, November 15

The Commentarium Presents: Trapped in the Closet (Chapters 1-12)


Trapped in the Closet (Chapters 1-12)

For everyone out there making DVD commentaries, I have one word for you, “STOP!”

There is absolutely no way anyone can top the pure insanity of
R. Kelly candidly watching and talking about his Hip-Hop Opera “Trapped in the Closet” on his newly released compilation DVD. Seriously, this is why DVD commentaries were invented.

Now since it’s a “video commentary track” in addition to listening to R. Kelly talk about creating one of the best films ever made, yeah you heard me Battleship Potemkin, you ain’t so hot anymore. You can also get to watch R. Kelly watching himself on the big screen the entire time. He sits in a plush easy chair smoking a giant cigar (not the best idea in a darkened movie theater), and often nods his head in agreement with the sentiments expressed in the song while laughing at the truth of his creation. It’s like God watching a video of the 1st 12 days of Earth.

I’ll admit I was under the misconception that R. Kelly was a tough guy (a baler, if you will), but instead on the commentary he’s really sweet and almost bashful when explaining the risqué situations occurring in the film, keep in mind this is a guy who pulls out his Berretta upwards of 50 times in 40 minutes. R even apologizes for using “profanities” in the song but explains, that the foul language “was an attempt to make lyrics 3-D” and it worked, I felt like those Fucks were flying out of the screen at me.

For those of you not content to just watch the epic Homerian drama of the piece, R also is quick to tell the audience that “Trapped” is a “real life game and that the viewers can try to guess what the characters will say and do next.” For example you might think that the wife of the cop (Bridget) would be cheating with a white dude, but no I was wrong it was a black male, stripper with an enormous shlong named Big Man who easily shits his pants. I was so close. It’s kinda like that board game, “Life” but with gay preachers and infidelity.

My favorite moments are when R demonstrates the different tonal qualities of all the different characters in an impromptu musical performance. I also grew to love the often awkward and long periods of silence, it’s really like you are sitting next to him with nothing to say. You also learn about R Kelly’s philosophy like “when things are alright you make love.” The best moment however is around minute 21 when the director of the DVD commentary clearly fell asleep because every time R. Kelly talks to one camera it switches to the other creating the effect of always watching the back of R’s head. It’s hysterical.


I guess the most interesting thing about this commentary track is that he spends most of his time narrating his narration. Which is slightly insulting, it’s like he’s talking to a head trauma patient that doesn’t understand that when he sings, “I drove home at 88” that what he means is that he drove home real fast.

R. Kelly is always quick to tell the often viewer that this film “makes sense, so much sense.” He also admits that he has “no idea how this rhyming happened.” R confides, “to be honest I needed a rhyme for Dresser and I was like Berretta, I didn’t even think about it, it just happened” Exactly!

However I’m concerned as a viewer that R might not know what the term “cliffhanger” actually means because he defines cliffhangers as “having asthma”, “being blessed (Re: Big Dick), and “liking cherry pie.” Which are not necessarily them same cliffhanging techniques that 1940 serials succeed with. Just imagine Flash Gordon about to defeat Ming the Merciless when he starts eating Cherry Pie, What a cliffhanger!

He even goes, as far to say, “There wasn’t a cliffhanger that’s the cliffhanger.” Now he just sounds like that weird kid I went to school with who drew mazes that had no exits and claimed that was the point, but in reality he just forgot to draw one.

So, Is “Trapped in the Closet” the work of a Genius or a Madman? Who knows? Although after watching the commentary track I’m leaning to Madman.

In true Trapped in the Closet Form, R ends the Commentary on a Cliffhanger…Which I won’t spoil here. Suffice to say, if you only listen to one DVD commentary track in your life let it be this one it.

For More Commentarium Tracks Click
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IF you are a Fan of Arrested Development Watch This

6 Comments:

At 3:32 PM, Blogger somethingfresh said...

I can’t believe how highly he thinks of himself. I can't even bring myself to wear the silly iron-on T-shirt I made of myself because who wants to be so bold as to say, “yeah, I am the shit.”

My relationship with R has so many ebbs and flows that my body is starting for feel the effects. He was wicked with Bump N’ Grind, then went freakishly straight with I Believe I can Fly and I’m Your Angel with Celine Dion. Street again with Fiesta and I Wish, then it got queasy with Ignition and Snake. Things were all good with Step in the Name of Love and now this…. I don’t think my body can take much more of this relationship. He cracks me up, he really does. But man. Pick a side. I’d rather him be more like Bobby Brown.

Now that’s someone who should put out a video collection with a commentary track. Who wouldn’t love that?

Is it wrong that I post so much...probably so.

 
At 5:07 PM, Blogger Salome said...

I love David Cross and Arrested Development and it sucks that it's gone.

 
At 11:11 PM, Anonymous Eric said...

that's possibly the funniest thing i've ever read.

 
At 11:18 PM, Blogger sabatkes said...

if arrested goes to showtime- it's gonna be the big time shit! I love that show.

did you check out southpark tonight? more rkelly closet jokes.....

 
At 4:04 PM, Anonymous ryan said...

Paul, it's good to know you're a "TitC" acolyte.

Keep on preaching the good word to those unawares of the most amazing serial-music-video-slash-best-film-of-all-time-slash-r-kelly-ego-trough. It's important that everyone hear R's opus. I plan on sprining it on my family at Thanksgiving.

I hope their heads explode.

 
At 4:47 PM, Blogger Julia said...

Commentary! Of course! I was so overwhelmed by the "Behind the Scenes" feature on the DVD, I didn't believe anything could top R. Kelly's random dissolution into song and subsequent admission of "tweakin' right now." I must have been wrong.

When I get out of jail, I'm rushing right home to conclude my complete T'd in the C Experience.

You've changed my life, Paul Scheer.

 

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