Wednesday, November 30

Lost for Dummies

Are Sick of Your Friends Refusing to Catch up on Lost or Even Worse You Still Haven't watched the 1st Season, Well have no fear because Paul's Lost Guide for Dummies is Here!

Jen Carlson and the Great People over at PaperMag gave me an opportunirty to encapsulate the entire show in 1000 words, which is really hard, but I did it. Below is the 1st draft of the same article with up to date episode info...Enjoy


Why is Ana Lucia Such a Bitch?
Is Shannon Really Dead?
Where Did Desmond Go?
How Did Locke Get Paralyzed?
Did you see the Dharma Symbol on the Shark’s Tale?

If you don’t what the Hell I’m talking about than chances you haven’t been watching Lost. So my question to you is, “WHY The F NOT?”

Lost, it’s the biggest show on TV since Twin Peaks, but instead of watching it you’ve spent the last year and half watching back to back reruns of “Everyone Loves Raymond” on TBS.

So, you made a bad move. Admit it, you’re a social pariah, you can’t keep up with water cooler conversations and your friends mock you when you show your ignorance about the topic at dinner party conversations. Not watching this show was the worst thing you’ve ever done.

To make matters worse, now you’re convinced you can never catch up. You might have even contemplated suicide (which would have been reasonable in your case.) But I’m here to tell you, “Don’t give up yet! All hope isn’t Lost” (Did you see that pun I just made? Pretty sweet, right?)

I’m going catch you up, fill you in, and make you appear that you actually are in the know. Now before we begin let me just say that to get every detail of this show would probably fill up a book, this is more like the GED version of the Lost, think of it as a homemade sling that will keep you safe till you can hit the real hospital.

So, What is it About Again?
On a trip from Australia to Los Angeles Oceanic Flight 815, went off course, lost radio contact and was ripped apart in mid air after a bout of terrible turbulence. The crash left 2 sets of survivors on different parts of the island, neither knew the others where there (until very recently-but we’ll get into that later). Now without anyway to contact the outside world these groups must try to survive until they are rescued.

Who are “The Characters?” Everyone talks about the “Great Characters”
First of all, don’t be condescending. All the survivors are interesting in their own right but we only have so much time and you won’t remember all their names.

So here’s an overview. So far the survivors we know are made up of a Fugitive, a Heroin Addict, a Doctor, a Confidence Man, a Member of the Iraqi Republican Guard, a New Mother and baby, a Rich Step Brother and Sister (that slept with each other), A newly reunited Father and Son, a Korean Couple (who’s English isn’t so good), a formerly paralyzed middle manager at box company, a fat guy, and of course a no nonsense black woman. All these characters make up the survivors of the front part of the plane.

But that’s not all we recently discovered that there are also survivors from the tail section of the plane. The recently discovered tail-enders are still slightly unknown…We have a mysterious black man, a psychologist, and old white dude (who loves chocolate) and a tough as nails leader named Ana Lucia.

Ok, They’re Trapped on an Island. Big Deal. Why Do I Care?
I’ll tell you why you care, because this Island is crazy! This is like Kafka’s version of Gilligan’s Island. First of all there may or may not be a monster on it, we don’t know, all we do know is that a giant unseen but very loud something has killed the pilot of the plane. Secondly, we just found out that the island was a science experiment gone wrong. Set up by a collective known as the Dharma Initiative there are 6 base stations all around the island that are set up to research such many different areas of science including meteorology, psychology, para-psychology, zoology, electro-magnetism, and utopian social something or rather. So far we only have seen 2 of them, but we learned about it through an orientation tape left in one of the stations. Finally, there are a group of “others” on the island that have kidnapped (adults and children) and alleged killed survivors on the island. They are scary and some don’t wear shoes.

That’s a lot of Info…What do I really need to Know

John Locke (Bald Guy) The Island Cured his Paralysis (no one knows that he was ever paralyzed). He believes they are there for a reason. He’s the optimist who wants to explore and full his destiny.

Jack (Party of Five Guy) He’s the De-Facto Leader. He was an amazingly successful surgeon in the real world and now he sets the agenda for the group. He doesn’t like the responsibility but he does it anyway. He has lost his ability to believe. We don’t know why?

These two fight.

I’d also keep my eye on Ana Lucia and Mr. Ecko the Jack and John of the back section of the plane.

So What’s Going On? Give Me the Story.
The plane crashes. The 43 survivors of the front section of the plane set up camps and learn to fend for themselves. The Iraqi soldier sets out to explore the island and finds a crazy French woman (Danielle) who is also stranded from a boat crash 16 years ago. She tells him about a group of “others” that stole her baby and killed her crew. Back at the camp the pregnant survivor is kidnapped presumably by an “other” who has secretly mixed in with the group over the last few weeks. After a failed search and rescue the pregnant woman, is returned (unharmed) with no memory of the experience. The “other” appears again and is killed against Jack’s will in a moment of rage (we learn nothing about him or his motives).

Back on the beach three men build a homemade raft while Locke and a companion stumble across a large metal hatch in he middle of the Jungle, that is impossible to open. The men set sail on their raft and after a few hours of travel they encounter another boat, they think they’ve being rescued but then the shady pirates that have approached them kidnap one of the men’s son (Walt) and attempt to kill the rest of them by destroying the raft with a homemade bomb, leaving the men stranded at sea.
The Hatch is blow open by some dynamite that was found on a pirate ship that was washed ashore in the center of the island (Weird!) and inside the Hatch is man named Desmond, who lives in a state of the art science facility (run by the Dharma Initiative). He also crashed on the island during a race around the world and was called into this hatch by an excitable man (who has since passed) he was then told that he must enter a series of numbers into an old commodore 64 looking computer every 108 minutes or else something horrible with happen (like the end of the world). Desmond runs away leaving the survivors to take over this repetitive task.

Back out at sea, the men swim to another part of the island and are attacked by what turns out to be…Drumroll… the tail end survivors of the crash. The tail-enders are led physically by Ana Lucia, who is a real bitch, most likely because most of the survivors from her side have been captured, killed and betrayed by the “others”. The tail-enders have had a tough 44 days especially Mr. Ecko who after killing two of “the others” during a nighttime raid did not speak to anyone for 40 days. However regardless of their hardships they have yet to really experience the mystical side of the island. The closest they’ve come to learning about the “others” is through a conversation with one of them, who like Ethan secretly infiltrated their group. Ana Lucia of course killed him but before she did she found out that the “others” only want “the good people” and the captured are in “a better place”.

Anyway the raft guys set out to connect to two groups by trekking across the island. Meanwhile Walt is appearing to the rich step sister (Shannon) in visions that only she can see (and when he does appear, he speaks backwards). Trying to convince herself that she’s not crazy Shannon chases her vision of Walt into the jungle and is shot by Ana Lucia who thinks she is an “other” attacking her group. So far that’s all we know.

Questions? I’ve Got a Lot
Get used to it. So Does America. You’ll even have more once you see all the episodes.

Did You Miss Anything?
Actually Yeah…Here is a few things that might be worth mentioning:

• The Kidnapped Boy (Walt) has weird undefined powers that on occasion allow him to materialize things that are on his mind.

• Jack and Desmond had an encounter before the met in the hatch over 10 years ago about the power of faith.

• In one episode we saw a shark with a Dharma Initiative symbol on its tail.

• 4, 18, 15, 16, 23, 42 are the numbers entered into Desmond’s computer and have significance throughout the show and with certain characters (mainly the Fat Guy-Hurley).

• The creator of the Show has been quoted numerous times as saying, “There are no dinosaurs on the island and the characters aren’t dead nor in purgatory.

What if after reading this I never watch the show? How can I save myself from the shame and embarrassment of not knowing what’s going on in front of my friends.

It’s easy. The entire show is built upon reaction to the previous episode and theories about upcoming ones. So if we assume you are quiet during the reaction you can always throw out these vague questions and statements that make it appear like you have watched the show. Here are some scatter brained theories that will make you appear smart, set them up and let the other people in your group debate it, while you reap the rewards of being in the know.

• Do you think Alvar Hanso, that creepy guy that funded the Dharma Initiative might be Locke’s Dad?

• The book Desmond was reading, has theories about Time Travel and Alternate Realities, is that a clue? Could the Island be a Time Traveling Device?

• The Monster sounds more like a Machine then an Animal. Who’s with me?

• Why don’t the Dudes Beards Grow past Perfect Stubble?

• I think there could be multiple sets of “others” because the ones that kidnapped Walt don’t look like the barefoot ones we saw on the other side of the island.

• The Car that hit Michael, Locke and Kate is the same…Coincidence?

That’s it?
Yes, for now. So what are you waiting for? Get yourself to a Water Cooler you got LOST to talk about.


At 1:19 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

thanks paul!
you're so handy.
even though i watch lost, i guess i missed that shark thing....
love, amy

At 7:08 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I thought I was the only one who thought Alvar Hanso looked like Locke's dad!
Ok, now I'm taking this theory and running with it.


Post a Comment

<< Home