Sunday, December 25

My Christmas Experiment

I Love Christmas! Egg Nog, Fatty Men in Red Suits, Watching "The Christmas Story" on TBS with 4 Hours of Commercials, and of Course The Seasonal Jessica Simpson Albums...It's a Great Time of Year. But it's Changed, Right?

My Good Friend Jake and I were Talking Tonight about How When We Were Kids It was All About "Waking Up Early" for Christmas and Now as We get Older it's all about "Getting Up Early" for Christmas So We Don't Miss It.

Now, Don't Get Me Wrong, I Love Getting Up (Earlish) and Opening Gifts in Pajamas but it's Never has Been as Cool as it Used to Be and I think I Realized Why Iour Gifts aren't as Cool as they Used to Be. I Swear I'd be Super Psyched to Get Up if I knew I might have a chance to get a Castle Grayskull Playset or a Return of the Jedi Ewok Village Tomorrow Morning.

Christmas Gifts Used to Rock, for Me Anything with a Remote Control was about the Best Thing Ever. But as we get older our Gifts Tend to Have a Higher Suck Ratio.

So in the Spirit of the Thanksgiving Experiment, I Ask You This....What is the Worst Gift You Got Today for Christmas (Or Hannahukah)?

Send Me Your Responses and I'll Compile the Best Ones and Post Them Later in the Week...Feel Free to Forward This To Anyone and Everyone, It Should be Interesting.

(FYI: Now I had been Planning on Doing this Blog Experiment For Awhile But Alas The Guys Over at College Humor Did Something a Little bit Similiar To This Last Week. So I just want to Give Them Props For Their Piece But Also State this isn't a Blantant Rip-Off Either)

Merry Christmas and Happy Hannahukah!

Thursday, December 8

I Miss Lost

It's Only Been a Week but I Need My Lost Fix!

I Just don't Feel Like a Man if I don't Hate Ana Lucia Just a Little Bit More with Each Passing Week

If You Are Jonesing For Some Good Lost "Did You Miss it Action"...Well Let Me Fill in the Void.

Check Out Who's on the TV in Last Week's Episode:

(I Just think it's really inappropriate of Kate's Dad to catch up on old episodes of Lost when he's at Work)

On Hanso Foundation click Alvar Hanso and then click the picture that comes up. You will see a short little “Hello, Who Is This?” bit on an old CPU screen.

Then you will be brought to a faxed letter from someone to the institute. In it, they apologize for "communicating" with the experiment on Zanzibar. Maybe Zanzibar is the island? (I Just Thought it was a Kickass Billy Joel Song)

Two Great Letters
Letter One
The DOD Letter to the FAA About Flight 815

Here's a Hidden Clue about The Roles of Locke and Mr. Ecko

Wikipedia’s info on Enkidu and Gilgamesh:

Enkidu (Mr Eko?) acts as a foil to Gilgamesh (Locke?), and a sidekick in other stories. The author is expressing to the reader that the main character of the epic is Gilgamesh and not Enkidu. Enkidu acts as a form of balance and dialogue opportunity for Gilgamesh.
Enkidu assists Gilgamesh in his fight against Humbaba, the monster of the Cedar forest, then is killed by the gods for slaying the "Bull of Heaven." The goddess Ishtar demands that the pair should pay for its destruction. Shamash argues to the gods to spare both of them, but could only save Gilgamesh. The gods pass judgment that Enkidu had no "reason" to fight the Bull and was interfering with the will of the gods. Enkidu then is struck by a severe illness and near death has visions of the gloomy afterlife. Before he actually dies he curses the trapper and the harlot for leading him down this doomed path.

One of the Writers for College Humor and Owner of an Equally Funny Blog has Posted this Great Deleted Scene From Lost and See What You Missed

Tuesday, December 6

Tom Sizemore American Hero!

I believe it was either Humphrey Bogart or Fred Durst who said, “You’re a nobody in Hollywood until someone releases your private sex tapes.” They are right; Celebrity Sex Tapes are all the rage, everyone is making one. From Rob Lowe all the way to Colin Farrell (who when you think about it is essentially just Rob Lowe with an Irish Accent and that's not meant as an insult) But not matter how hard they try no celebrity sex tape will top the one made by Tom Sizemore.

Some of you might not know Tom.

He’s been in Heat,

Saving Private Ryan,

and apparently this girl.

His tapes were released this week online at XXXTOM.Com and sure he’s not the first person to release a sex tape but this tape is the craziest.

Has anyone seen it? It’s Nuts! Watching these videos is like a cross between American Psycho and America’s Funniest Home Videos. I’m disturbed but yet oddly entertained. He has multiple partners and positions. It’s very well lit, he juggles dildos, and even does costume changes. It’s like watching Celine Dion concert. He’s also so dirty when he’s having sex. I feel like I’m watching a cannibal scene from Lord of the Flies, I’m like, “Tom Don’t Eat Her!” You know your sex tape is over the top when even R. Kelly is like, “What the F Dude, That’s some nasty Shit!”

Now unlike other sex tapes, Tom isn’t embarrassed by it. He’s psyched! He even talks about his career and finances while having sex, which is a sex tape first. It’s kind like A& E’s Biography with pubic hair.

Tom is a True American Hero. Instead of resting on his laurels he’s challenging celebrities to make better sex tapes and opening the door for all those that haven’t yet. Hopefully one day we see…

Dakota Fanning getting it on with Bruce Willis

Urkel and Kimmy Gibler from Full House doing it hardcore

And if we are lucky we’ll Kermit and Gonzo fucking like madmen.

All because of Tom!

In a Sea of Celebrity Sex Tapes. Tom makes you remember that sex isn’t pretty, but it’s always entertaining. So watch Tom's Tapes because if you do he’ll probably fuck you.

Friday, December 2

The Thanksgiving Experiment (Part 2)...The Responses

On Thanksgiving, I asked people to Submit The Most Ridiculous, Racist, or Obscure Thing That a Member of Your Family said Said at the Dinner Table.

The Responses were Overwhelming, I've Loved Reading them All. I've learned alot, I'm proud to report you are not alone, we all have crazy families and after a few drinks and some tryptophan these family members become Suburban Socrates spouting out golden nuggets of the most entertaing wisdom you'll ever hear.

Here are a Few of My Favorites:

"Happy Birthday!"
-My Drunk Sister (When Trying to Remember What Holiday it Was)

“If given the choice, would rather have their 20% Wal-Mart discount than health benefits”

"Only a Muslim would have a store open on Thanksgiving. Those people have no religion."

"If you lose one more chin, you'll be lovable."
-My Mother [After I Lost 35 pounds]

"Well someday you'll meet your better half and contribute to the next generation. Hopefully I'll be long gone by then."

“I didn't get no pussy, man! M' rooster was up, but it didn't do no damage!

"Well, at least they have jobs."
- My Dad during a discussion on Child Labor and The Gap,

[In regards to my aunt recently being arrested and jailed for stalking]
"God, I wonder if she has to look out for dykes. I mean, is that really a problem in there?"

Aunt: "Hey Allen, did your brother get out of jail yet?"
Dad: "Um...yea, he's actually been out for the past 10 years now"

"Well, it's either a top bottom or a bottom top."
-A professor at Vanderbilt University said,

"You're cursed, and that's why you'll be alone for the rest of your life."
- My Mom

"There was some man in the 1950's who thought that the sunglasses they had built were too bulky, so he used all of his money to make a chicken contact lens company and went completely broke.
-My Uncle Steve

[A Joke?]
Q: "What's the fastest animal on Earth?
A: “A Bukharian on a Polak."
(Bukharian: referring to a male person of Jewish decent from any number of regions in Kyrgyzstan, Iran, etc. & Polak: referring to an attractive Polish woman.)

"I'm can't be racist...I'm dating a Spic!"

"I haven't taken a shit in 2 weeks"
-My Aunt, who is mentally challenged (seriously) and from what I can gather in some pain.

"I mean, I like Sam Jones, but I just don't know if I could vote for a colored mayor. Look at Detroit or Chicago, they have colored mayors, and I just don't want to see mobile end up like that."

"I like fat people." - No further explanation given
-Seven Year-Old 3rd cousin.

Lauren: I think Semester At Sea is going to Vietnam next year.
My cousin: Why would you go to a war?

During a game of "Family Feud" the question "Name a product where better is considered to be better" came up. When we couldn't guess all nine answers, it was revealed that we missed a not-so-obvious one: "Potato Chips," to which a family member replied, "Yeah, if you polled a hundred Mexicans."
--Girlfriend's brother

"Egyptian? Were you scared when you met him?"
-My great-aunt.

"White people are savages and they'll stab you in the back the first chance they get! You know it! You know it! All up in your face smiling, and at the same time they're planning to take you down! If we were as powerful as they are, we'd be more fair-minded. We're just fundamentally better human beings!"

My recently divorced Mom to the woman sitting next to her after a few glasses of wine: "Do you wanna just become lesbians? Dykes seem really with it and together."

"What did you say, my baby looks like the Michellin Man??"
- My cousin about her Newborn

"I've never heard of a woman having a large enough vagina she could shove one of those cellular telephones in it, have you??"

"This turkey is too dry, I need more gravy ... or more vodka."

"Don't ever mention that fat ass' name in front of me again"
-Referring to Jennifer Lopez

"Mabye if they didn't have the parade in the City, it wouldn't have so many queers in it." --My Grandma

"Amy said she wanted to hang out with you because you liked to fart".
My grandma Speaking to My Cousin's Fiancee's parents

"Next year we'll have the help do this"
- Re: Loading the dishwasher after dinner for 8, spoken by my step-mother-in law while having Thanksgiving in Newport, CA (aka The OC)

[Mom driving us home after Thanksgiving]
Mom: I can't see anything. Why is it so dark out? Can anyone else see the road?? I can't see a goddamn thing! Oh I'm wearing sunglasses.

My father made a grown woman break down and cry. The mother of a family we annually eat Thanksgiving with dinner works at a hospital with an Albanian woman who is fairly new to the country, so she invited her to the meal so she wouldn’t be alone on Thanksgiving. The woman began telling everyone about how her country was under communist rule until a few years ago and she was lucky enough to come to the US, but her parents are still in Albania. “So why don’t you just bring them over here?” my Dad said rather matter-of-factly. “That is my life’s hope and dream,” she told him and then started balling right there at the table. Nobody knew what to do and the room was completely silent for a solid thirty seconds. Most awkward T-Day moment I’ve ever experienced.

"Someday you'll see that it's smarter for you to be a Republican." ~ Dad_

"So there we were, me and Sid Vicious, outside the mafia bar beating these Redskins in the face with trash can lids."
-My boss

"And P.S. there was no such thing as slavery! The blacks came here for the free welfare!"
-Scary Old Relative as she's leaving our house.
Aunt Sharon: "You can hardly find any of those Billy the Big Mouth Bass anymore. You really have to search."

"Daddy, I just farted in my mouth."
-Three Year Old Niece