Friday, December 2

The Thanksgiving Experiment (Part 2)...The Responses


On Thanksgiving, I asked people to Submit The Most Ridiculous, Racist, or Obscure Thing That a Member of Your Family said Said at the Dinner Table.

The Responses were Overwhelming, I've Loved Reading them All. I've learned alot, I'm proud to report you are not alone, we all have crazy families and after a few drinks and some tryptophan these family members become Suburban Socrates spouting out golden nuggets of the most entertaing wisdom you'll ever hear.

Here are a Few of My Favorites:

"Happy Birthday!"
-My Drunk Sister (When Trying to Remember What Holiday it Was)

“If given the choice, would rather have their 20% Wal-Mart discount than health benefits”

"Only a Muslim would have a store open on Thanksgiving. Those people have no religion."

"If you lose one more chin, you'll be lovable."
-My Mother [After I Lost 35 pounds]

"Well someday you'll meet your better half and contribute to the next generation. Hopefully I'll be long gone by then."

“I didn't get no pussy, man! M' rooster was up, but it didn't do no damage!

"Well, at least they have jobs."
- My Dad during a discussion on Child Labor and The Gap,

[In regards to my aunt recently being arrested and jailed for stalking]
"God, I wonder if she has to look out for dykes. I mean, is that really a problem in there?"

Aunt: "Hey Allen, did your brother get out of jail yet?"
Dad: "Um...yea, he's actually been out for the past 10 years now"

"Well, it's either a top bottom or a bottom top."
-A professor at Vanderbilt University said,

"You're cursed, and that's why you'll be alone for the rest of your life."
- My Mom

"There was some man in the 1950's who thought that the sunglasses they had built were too bulky, so he used all of his money to make a chicken contact lens company and went completely broke.
-My Uncle Steve

[A Joke?]
Q: "What's the fastest animal on Earth?
A: “A Bukharian on a Polak."
(Bukharian: referring to a male person of Jewish decent from any number of regions in Kyrgyzstan, Iran, etc. & Polak: referring to an attractive Polish woman.)

"I'm can't be racist...I'm dating a Spic!"

"I haven't taken a shit in 2 weeks"
-My Aunt, who is mentally challenged (seriously) and from what I can gather in some pain.

"I mean, I like Sam Jones, but I just don't know if I could vote for a colored mayor. Look at Detroit or Chicago, they have colored mayors, and I just don't want to see mobile end up like that."
-Grandmother

"I like fat people." - No further explanation given
-Seven Year-Old 3rd cousin.

Lauren: I think Semester At Sea is going to Vietnam next year.
My cousin: Why would you go to a war?

During a game of "Family Feud" the question "Name a product where better is considered to be better" came up. When we couldn't guess all nine answers, it was revealed that we missed a not-so-obvious one: "Potato Chips," to which a family member replied, "Yeah, if you polled a hundred Mexicans."
--Girlfriend's brother

"Egyptian? Were you scared when you met him?"
-My great-aunt.

"White people are savages and they'll stab you in the back the first chance they get! You know it! You know it! All up in your face smiling, and at the same time they're planning to take you down! If we were as powerful as they are, we'd be more fair-minded. We're just fundamentally better human beings!"

My recently divorced Mom to the woman sitting next to her after a few glasses of wine: "Do you wanna just become lesbians? Dykes seem really with it and together."

"What did you say, my baby looks like the Michellin Man??"
- My cousin about her Newborn

"I've never heard of a woman having a large enough vagina she could shove one of those cellular telephones in it, have you??"

"This turkey is too dry, I need more gravy ... or more vodka."

"Don't ever mention that fat ass' name in front of me again"
-Referring to Jennifer Lopez

"Mabye if they didn't have the parade in the City, it wouldn't have so many queers in it." --My Grandma

"Amy said she wanted to hang out with you because you liked to fart".
My grandma Speaking to My Cousin's Fiancee's parents

"Next year we'll have the help do this"
- Re: Loading the dishwasher after dinner for 8, spoken by my step-mother-in law while having Thanksgiving in Newport, CA (aka The OC)

[Mom driving us home after Thanksgiving]
Mom: I can't see anything. Why is it so dark out? Can anyone else see the road?? I can't see a goddamn thing! Oh I'm wearing sunglasses.

My father made a grown woman break down and cry. The mother of a family we annually eat Thanksgiving with dinner works at a hospital with an Albanian woman who is fairly new to the country, so she invited her to the meal so she wouldn’t be alone on Thanksgiving. The woman began telling everyone about how her country was under communist rule until a few years ago and she was lucky enough to come to the US, but her parents are still in Albania. “So why don’t you just bring them over here?” my Dad said rather matter-of-factly. “That is my life’s hope and dream,” she told him and then started balling right there at the table. Nobody knew what to do and the room was completely silent for a solid thirty seconds. Most awkward T-Day moment I’ve ever experienced.

"Someday you'll see that it's smarter for you to be a Republican." ~ Dad_

"So there we were, me and Sid Vicious, outside the mafia bar beating these Redskins in the face with trash can lids."
-My boss

"And P.S. there was no such thing as slavery! The blacks came here for the free welfare!"
-Scary Old Relative as she's leaving our house.
Aunt Sharon: "You can hardly find any of those Billy the Big Mouth Bass anymore. You really have to search."

"Daddy, I just farted in my mouth."
-Three Year Old Niece

7 Comments:

At 10:54 PM, Blogger observantcynic said...

You know... that made me feel a little better about my own family, in a twisted kind of way.

Those were great!

 
At 3:26 PM, Anonymous Caitlin said...

Aunt Sharon: "You can hardly find any of those Billy the Big Mouth Bass anymore. You really have to search."

Thank god I got mine before it was too late!

 
At 4:38 PM, Blogger Veronica Vinegar said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

 
At 7:01 PM, Anonymous melissa said...

Aunt Sharon: "You can hardly find any of those Billy the Big Mouth Bass anymore. You really have to search."

Thank god I got mine before it was too late!


Yes, Caitlin...be glad that you did. Aunt Sharon was pissed because she wanted to get her boss one for Christmas. Apparently in Garnett, Kansas, they are hard to come by.

 
At 6:54 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Last year my mentally unstable aunt "heil-ed" our German exchange student. She thought she was being funny. In retrospect...she was right.

 
At 11:57 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

" i don't hire women, and i don't hire niggers. you fall under both"- my uncle

i'm white female, and was 14 at the time...

 
At 2:45 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

During a formal dinner, my in-laws were discussing a particular rooster living on a friend's farm. My father-in-law (to describe the rooster), comes out and says, "And he has the most magnificent cock." As my husband and I broke out laughing the conversation kept going with, "But that's what the thing on the top of his head is called...a cock..."

 

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