Tuesday, December 6

Tom Sizemore American Hero!

I believe it was either Humphrey Bogart or Fred Durst who said, “You’re a nobody in Hollywood until someone releases your private sex tapes.” They are right; Celebrity Sex Tapes are all the rage, everyone is making one. From Rob Lowe all the way to Colin Farrell (who when you think about it is essentially just Rob Lowe with an Irish Accent and that's not meant as an insult) But not matter how hard they try no celebrity sex tape will top the one made by Tom Sizemore.

Some of you might not know Tom.

He’s been in Heat,

Saving Private Ryan,

and apparently this girl.


His tapes were released this week online at XXXTOM.Com and sure he’s not the first person to release a sex tape but this tape is the craziest.

Has anyone seen it? It’s Nuts! Watching these videos is like a cross between American Psycho and America’s Funniest Home Videos. I’m disturbed but yet oddly entertained. He has multiple partners and positions. It’s very well lit, he juggles dildos, and even does costume changes. It’s like watching Celine Dion concert. He’s also so dirty when he’s having sex. I feel like I’m watching a cannibal scene from Lord of the Flies, I’m like, “Tom Don’t Eat Her!” You know your sex tape is over the top when even R. Kelly is like, “What the F Dude, That’s some nasty Shit!”

Now unlike other sex tapes, Tom isn’t embarrassed by it. He’s psyched! He even talks about his career and finances while having sex, which is a sex tape first. It’s kind like A& E’s Biography with pubic hair.

Tom is a True American Hero. Instead of resting on his laurels he’s challenging celebrities to make better sex tapes and opening the door for all those that haven’t yet. Hopefully one day we see…

Dakota Fanning getting it on with Bruce Willis


Urkel and Kimmy Gibler from Full House doing it hardcore



And if we are lucky we’ll Kermit and Gonzo fucking like madmen.



All because of Tom!

In a Sea of Celebrity Sex Tapes. Tom makes you remember that sex isn’t pretty, but it’s always entertaining. So watch Tom's Tapes because if you do he’ll probably fuck you.

6 Comments:

At 7:01 PM, Blogger Roe said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 12:06 AM, Anonymous Sarah said...

Paul Scheer, you're the reason I had to explain to my mom what a MILF was. It was a very fundamental conversation for us.

And tell us about the R. Kelly Commentary night next time you write in this...

 
At 9:14 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

your a sick peice of shit dont ever drag dakota fannings name into such an unsavoury subject again or ill kill you

 
At 3:11 AM, Anonymous GURL! DEal wit it! said...

why do u have dakota in this, that is not her that is kimmy!

 
At 10:33 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Made me sick what you said about Dakota Fanning. Get bent.

 
At 2:48 AM, Anonymous Daggs said...

Good stuff, man.

 

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