Tuesday, January 31

A Birthday Quiz

Which One Of These People Isn't Celebrating Their Birthday Today?










Answer:
Non, from Superman 2...He's Too Busy Burning Snakes with his Eyes and Throwing Police Cars at News Reporters.

Saturday, January 28

Paul Scheer Blog: Larry King Edition

Larry King Used To Write A Column for USA Today, That Basically Was A Collage of Thoughts Without Any Real Focus...In the Spirit of Larry, I present Basically The Same Thing.
  • When People Send Me Internet Videos That Don't End in Physical Violence or Profanity, I'm Kinda Dissapointed.
  • Does the WB Think I'm Stupid? Do They Not Think That I Realized They Switched The Host From Last Year's "Beauty and the Geek" to This New Dude. Shame on You!
  • Are Danny and Melinda From the Real World: Austin Still Together, I Hope So.
  • Sometimes the Saved Shows on My Tivo Make Me Feel More Embarrassed Than Being caught by my Parents with Porn.
  • "Miss Misery" by Elliott Smith isn't a Good Wedding Song.
  • I Like to Think That Anne Hathaway's Character in Brokeback Mountain is an Alternate Reality version of her Character from Princess Diaries if she didn't go to Genovia.
  • Do People Still Play Dungeons and Dragons?
  • I've Been Doing A Show at UCB Theater in LA called "Trapped in The Closet"....We Had A Special Guest (Below)...He Liked To Drink Beer.

  • Neil Diamond is Perfect for Karaoke, Because it's Ironic Yet Earnest.
  • I'd Like to See a Man Fight and Elephant.
  • Out of the 25 Films Entertainment Weekly Recommends to See Before Oscar Night, I've seen 3.
  • I Don't Know How to Match Ties With Shirts.
  • Doesn't Anyone Do Long Form Division Anymore?
  • America Is in Need of a New Catchphrase (ie "Show Me The Money", "I'll Be Back",etc..)
  • Here Are Some Awesome Links To Things That I've Really Enjoyed Lately
It's Hal From 2001: A Space Odyssey Meets Your Ipod

Best Blog on the Internet

How Much Does Your Waitress Hate You!

I Like This, Probably a Little Too Much

Much to My Surprise, You Can Download a Podcast of "The Best Of Jake and Paul on K-Rock" on iTunes just Search for Paul Scheer in Podcast....I Have No Idea How to Link To This.

Wednesday, January 25

I've Had Enough!

Everyday, People Send Me Literally Thousands of Emails, Faxes, Telegrams, and Hand Written Letters Demanding the Same Thing, They All want Me To Post A Sweet Picture of My Grandmother Having Christmas Dinner at My Parent's House on My Blog.

I Couldn't Say "No!" Any Longer! The Pressure was too Much. So I've Granted You Your Wish...


I Hope You Are Happy America!

Monday, January 23

Amo La Radio Española

Over the Last Few Months, I've Spent a lot of Time in My Car and I Learned a Very Important Thing...Spanish Radio Rules!

Granted, I have No Idea What they Are Saying, because I don't speak Spanish... But It Sounds Like they are having so Much More Fun Than Those Boring Honky Radio DJs.

Plus they aren't afraid to Throw in the Occasional Fart Sound Effect, which some scientists have proven to be just as physically and mentally effective as caffeine (in regards to waking up in the morning).

Don't Believe Me? Just take a look at Their Ads

I mean C'mon, Would You Rather Listen to This....


OR These Guys

Wait a Second! Are They Parodying, "Malcolm in the Middle"? How Could a Radio show Be Just Like "Malcolm in the Middle"? That's Like Saying your radio show is like "Charles in Charge". Plus I don't See a Wig on Anyone! (FYI: If You Wear a Crazy Wig on the Radio, I Applaud that, That's a Huge Commitment, because technically no one will know if you do or don't because it's Radio-So, Yes To Wigs)

Check Out These Guys, They are on a CGI Burrow! Suck it Peter Jackson!

Meanwhile These Doofuses are posing Like Charlie's Angels!


What the F! What's Up with These Lame TV Poses? You Are on the Radio, Stop with the TV. And If You are Going to do a silly pose it at least commit like our Friends on the Burrow! (Read: Don't Shoot Your Publicity Picture in the Parking Lot of Your Radio Station)

Personally This Ad is My Favorite:


I think I like it just because it's has Ben Franklin Speaking Spanish...Again, I Have No Idea What he's Saying but whatever it is, it's certainely making that one dude laugh and that other dude pissed. Ben Franklin, First You Discover Electricity and Now Spanish Radio, is there anything you can't do?

By the way, Last Week I was on the Radio with Jake and Jackie and I immediately Dropped the F Bomb...Take a Listen...I'm An Idiot... Jake and Jackie Have A Great Show on 92.3 Free FM(New York) even if they aren't Spanish. Listen to it.

Friday, January 20

In Case You Missed It...Lost: The Hunting Party

The Last 2 Weeks of Lost Have Been Great! But Like Most Fans, The Minute The Credits Roll, I’m Searching the Internet to Figure out all the Kick-Ass Stuff I Missed or I Wasn’t Smart Enough to Figure Out.

Here Are Some New Theories That Have Popped Up Since “The Hunting Party”....

During the Hunting Party's encounter with “The Others”, the bearded man asks someone off-screen named ALEX to bring Kate to him. Alex is, of course, the name of Danielle's daughter - who has been missing since she was two weeks old when the OTHERS took her from Danielle.

According to the oceanic-air.com website, the plane crashed on Sept. 22, 2004 but the X-Rays in last night's episode (according to The Watercooler on Tvguide.com) were mysteriously enough dated Nov. 16, 2005. See.



My Favorite Description of What the “The Monster” Could Be From Entertainment Weekly.

Lastly I Learned That Fake Beards Rule


(Seriously, I Think This Guy Stole My Beard)

Now I'm Off to Find Scour the Internet for More Clues about my Other Obsession "According to Jim"

What Did Jim mean When He Said He "Loved Deep Dish Pizza"? Hmmmm, I think it's a Jim Clone Because I always Thought Jim loved Thin Crust Pizza. Something is definitely up.

Thursday, January 19

What Jack Bauer Won't Say...

I Love 24...Each Season Just Keeps Getting Better and Better. While Jack Bauer (Kiefer Sutherland) keeps becoming more and more of a Bad Ass, he's the Best Action Hero of All Time. People are starting to wonder if there is there anything he won't do or say. So since I consider myself a 24 Aficionado, I have come up with a List of things that Jack Bauer Would Never Say.....


"Everybody Calm Down...I Brought Enough Snackwells for Everybody"

" If You Put a Gun to My Head, I'd Have to say Cloris Leechman was my Favorite Actor in Spanglish"

"More Mayonnaise!"

"Who Read My Journal? Seriously, That's Private."

(Aftering Injurying Himself) "Samson's Cat...That Smarts!"

"I Can't Believe Edgar has More MySpace Buddies than Me."

"I'm so Bummed, I forgot to TIVO Skating with the Stars Last Night?"

"Anyone See My Troll Pen?"

"Happy Birthday, I Knitted This For You"

"Who's Djing at Liquid Tonight?"

"My First Puppy was named Snuggles and My 2nd puppy is Name Sparkles"

"I want to be in Charge of Secret Santa This Year"

"Guys I just took this Internet Quiz that says the OC Character I'm Most similiar too is Caleb, Ugh"

"These Ugg Boots aren't as comfortable as My Last Pair"

"I Put some of My Famous Risotto in Fridge, Help Yourself"

and Finally

"Mr. President, Can We Just Hug?"

Tuesday, January 17

Oh No. We Gonna Rock Down To...


Today I visited Electric Avenue. Who Would Have Guessed Electric Avenue would be in Santa Monica, California.Here's what I saw, In the street there was violence and then there was lots of work to be done. There was no place for the residents to hang out their washin' and they can't blame all on the sun. But rest assured that when I arrived at Electric Avenue, I took it Higher and Higher.

Tomorrow, I'll Try to Visit Blueberry Hill.

Monday, January 16

In Case You Missed It!

You Might Have Already Seen This But It's Still Worth Mentioning.....

On Last Week's Episode of Lost Flashes of Mr. Eko's life Appear Inside the Monster Cloud

THE CRUCIFIX


MORE
Eko on the beach after the plane crash
Eko's brother's Church
Woman
The Old Man Eko Shot
Man
Eko's Brother
Young Eko
Eko and Brother
Eko's Partner

AWESOME!
(By the Way, These Aren't Doctored Images)
..............................

R.I.P. PRESIDENT DAVID PALMER

I GUESS NOW HE'll BE SELLING ALLSTATE INSURANCE UP IN HEAVEN TO GOD.

Sunday, January 15

IF YOU SEE A JEWISH ABE LINCOLN...

Things That Were Stolen Out of My Car By The Valet

1.) An Abraham Lincoln Beard*
2.) A Fake Berreta*
3.) A Yarmulke*
4.) Pack of Big Red

Things That Were Left

1.) A Canon Digital Camera
2.) A Calloway Golf Club
3.) A Pack of Juicy Fruit

I Should Hate this Person because he Stole From Me But I can't Help But Like His Unique Style.

*It Should Be Noted That These Items Were all part of My Hilarious Costume for the Trapped in the Closet Show at UCB in LA.

Wednesday, January 11

KING KONG


After watching King Kong, I left theater thinking two things, "Who is this King Kong? And Why Isn't He Working More?"

In the last 73 Years he's only done 3 Films. That's Ridiculous! Especially for someone with such excellent range, he can be the Tough Guy, The Love Interest, The Mysterious Stranger, The Quiet Guy, and with the Lack of any Visible Gentilia he can be a post op-transexual looking for his long lost son (Suck on that Felicity Huffman).

But Time and Time again he's typecast as a "The Giant Gorilla" that is captured brought to New York and then is killed by the Army. Granted he does it well, but c'mon this just another example of Hollywood being biased against casting 25 Foot Gorillas. Sure there are the famous incidents where on the set of Scarface when a Giant Gorilla captured Michelle Pheiffer and took her to his lair in the wooded areas of Orange County or the time a Giant Gorilla and Johnny Depp Destroyed a a Hotel in New York and the subsquently thatsame Gorilla captured Kate Moss and Brought her to the top of the Chysler building and some people even mention the Coke Bottle incident but that is just hearsay. What I'm saying is, don't let a few rotten apples spoil the bunch and I'm not talking about Apples, I'm talking about gorillas

When are the Gorillas going to get the Good Roles? I want to see King Kong as Gordon Gecko in Wall Street or how about Kong playing both parts in Brokeback Mountain. He Can do it, he just needs the chance...Hollywood, The Ball is in your court!



What Roles Do You Want to See Kong In?

(By the Way Big Thanks to sammö ka-blammö on MYspace for Doing that Awesome Photoshop, after i realized Photoshop is Hard)

Tuesday, January 10

Just Because



GENE Shalit Defines "HARDCORE" - The MotherFucker is So Tough His Pajamas are Bullet Proof Vests

Friday, January 6

Fun Downloadables


Ladies and Gentleman Get Ready for....Illusion

Have You Ever Thought to Yourself, "Boy, I Like This Paul Scheer Guy. Wouldn't it Be Awesome to Have Him Be My Ringtone on My Cellular Telephone"

Well Guess What Your Prayers have Been Answered...

Check Out Scheertones

Tuesday, January 3

Christmas Experiment: What I Don't Want For Christmas


THE CHRISTMAS GIFT EXPERIMENT

Let's Face It, Sometimes Santa Screws Up.

This Past Holiday Season, I Asked You, "What Was The Worst Gift You Got This Christmas?" The Responses Were Amazing (Some People Even Included Pictures (Awesome!) …Once Again the Responses were Overwhelming, I loved them all, but for the sake of You, the reader, I needed to Make Drastic Cuts. (But if you still want to read more check out my Comment Section where I have posted an the 1st Draft of this post)

Since Bad Gifts come in all Shapes and Sizes I’ve decided to place each gift in a “Gift Category”, which highlights every "type" of Bad Gift.

So Let's Get Started:

The “I’ll Never Wear This Gift”

• My great aunt gave me a hot pink blouse with pictures of pink and green candy all over it, complete with matching black leggings with houndstooth ruffles at the ankles. As I am neither 3 nor 83, this outfit is quite unsuitable.

• My Grandmother gave me a thong. Not just any thong but a thong that looks as if it was fashioned out of dental floss. She said "don't you wear those?" NOOOOOO! Nana may need to go to a home.

• Whorey tan suede(ish?) lace up knee high boots with faux fur accents that looked like they were personally lifted from J Lo's closet.

The Gifts That Make You Think That Your Family Does Your Christmas Shopping at a 24 -Hour CVS Pharmacy:

• My grandmother gave me a box of Kleenex…I used them.

• A Set of Lady Disposable Razors and Fisherman's Lotion. I'm was like, “Thanks Mom, you think I'm hairy and have the weathered hands of a Fisherman”.

• A Package of Tuna in a Pouch and Some Crackers. I'm not sure whether to be concerned for myself or the person who gave me the gift.

• A close friend of mine whose birthday is Dec 27th and usually gets combo Christmas/Birthday gifts, this year he got two cans of Wasabi Almonds from his aunt, one for Christmas, one for his Birthday.

• My mom got me a lint roller. I am nineteen.

The Gifts that Make You Say, “Oh, No. You Shouldn’t Have…Seriously, You Shouldn’t Have”.

• I got a Playstation. One. Can you even buy games for that anymore?

• I got a handmade stamp holder...you know, for all my rolls of stamps

• This year I received a beautiful top quality guitar case. It would have been great accept I do not actually own a guitar.

• My bald uncle got a hairbrush set from my grandmother.

• I am a teacher and before we left for Christmas vacation I got a box of Staples pencils from one of my students.

Gifts That Send a Not So Subtle Message

• A Weight Loss Cookbook Because I have gained 10 pounds over the Past Year. (FYI: I only weigh 135 pounds!)

• My husband got a "Male Manicure Set" from an in law.

• A Bottle of Spray on Evian Water for Dry Skin.

• My mom gave me a hand blender…I cried.

• A Foam Toilet Seat.

Gifts That Might Be Too Practical

• I got a luggage bag. Nothing was inside. Just a plain black luggage bag for no reason.

• My dad got me a used radiator fan from a 95 Mitsubishi Eclipse.

• I got a small shovel with an extending handle.

“Ah”, Nothing says Christmas like The Gift of Bad Music

• I got Hilary Duff's Christmas CD from like two years ago. My mom noticed that I had a magazine with her on the cover when I got off the plane. I think she wanted to show me that she does pay attention to the little things. The other little thing that she didn't know is that I found that issue of Seventeen while I was waiting around at LaGuardia for my plane to take off.

Funny Gifts that Aren’t So Funny


Not only that, but the jelly beans are cola flavored.

• A Bumper Sticker for my car that read: "If you like the Rear, Wait til you see my HEADLIGHTS"…(Editors Note: This was Given to a Dude.)


"The Big Bowl of Self-Esteem"
Like I need a fucking cereal bowl to inflate my ego.


The Gifts From the Regifters

• When I was a kid I bought myself a huge book about the show 'Dallas' from a yard sale because I was obsessed with it. This Christmas my Mom found it and wrapped it and gave it to me in hopes that I'd forgotten about it. I didn’t.

• Used Bed Sheets from my Grandma. (Editor’s Note: Seriously, I’m Disturbed.)

• I got Flavored Coffee from my aunt, it’s the same Coffee I gave her two years ago.

• I got a used Clue board game made 40 years ago with missing pieces and a broken, stained box. (The worst part is, this wasn't a gag gift).

Finally, The Following Gifts Defy Category….

•Song Birds of North America 3 (not 1 or 2, but 3 oh shit) and it was $50!!!!!


• My 3 year old niece had the best/worst gift. Her grandmother on her Dad's side gave her a porcelain African American nativity set. The child is neither African America nor religious. I believe the irony is that porcelain is a white ceramic.

• A Roll of Red Electric Tape from my Aunt and Uncle

• A big circle of rainbow yarn. I'm not quite sure what it is yet, but it's mine!!!


• My Mom gave me this little pouch - black and white with music notes on it. There was a ribbon loop at the top so I can hang it somewhere, but no one, not even my mom, can figure out its use. So for now, it's just a decorative 3"x2" cloth pouch.

• My little brother gave the entire family baby food jars wrapped in festive holiday paper to announce that he and his on again off again totally annoying glitter make up wearing fiancee/girlfriend are pregnant. I am concerned because mom to be looks like a cross between Ashlee Simpson and Ursula the Sea Witch. They both do not have cars, phones, and they both work at Blockbuster Video. They're apartment is smaller than my NY studio. They also have two ferretts.

One Person Summed Up This Experiment in a Different Way:

• "I don't get bad Christmas Presents, my family votes Republican".

Happy New Year! Thanks For Reading!