Tuesday, January 3

Christmas Experiment: What I Don't Want For Christmas


Let's Face It, Sometimes Santa Screws Up.

This Past Holiday Season, I Asked You, "What Was The Worst Gift You Got This Christmas?" The Responses Were Amazing (Some People Even Included Pictures (Awesome!) …Once Again the Responses were Overwhelming, I loved them all, but for the sake of You, the reader, I needed to Make Drastic Cuts. (But if you still want to read more check out my Comment Section where I have posted an the 1st Draft of this post)

Since Bad Gifts come in all Shapes and Sizes I’ve decided to place each gift in a “Gift Category”, which highlights every "type" of Bad Gift.

So Let's Get Started:

The “I’ll Never Wear This Gift”

• My great aunt gave me a hot pink blouse with pictures of pink and green candy all over it, complete with matching black leggings with houndstooth ruffles at the ankles. As I am neither 3 nor 83, this outfit is quite unsuitable.

• My Grandmother gave me a thong. Not just any thong but a thong that looks as if it was fashioned out of dental floss. She said "don't you wear those?" NOOOOOO! Nana may need to go to a home.

• Whorey tan suede(ish?) lace up knee high boots with faux fur accents that looked like they were personally lifted from J Lo's closet.

The Gifts That Make You Think That Your Family Does Your Christmas Shopping at a 24 -Hour CVS Pharmacy:

• My grandmother gave me a box of Kleenex…I used them.

• A Set of Lady Disposable Razors and Fisherman's Lotion. I'm was like, “Thanks Mom, you think I'm hairy and have the weathered hands of a Fisherman”.

• A Package of Tuna in a Pouch and Some Crackers. I'm not sure whether to be concerned for myself or the person who gave me the gift.

• A close friend of mine whose birthday is Dec 27th and usually gets combo Christmas/Birthday gifts, this year he got two cans of Wasabi Almonds from his aunt, one for Christmas, one for his Birthday.

• My mom got me a lint roller. I am nineteen.

The Gifts that Make You Say, “Oh, No. You Shouldn’t Have…Seriously, You Shouldn’t Have”.

• I got a Playstation. One. Can you even buy games for that anymore?

• I got a handmade stamp holder...you know, for all my rolls of stamps

• This year I received a beautiful top quality guitar case. It would have been great accept I do not actually own a guitar.

• My bald uncle got a hairbrush set from my grandmother.

• I am a teacher and before we left for Christmas vacation I got a box of Staples pencils from one of my students.

Gifts That Send a Not So Subtle Message

• A Weight Loss Cookbook Because I have gained 10 pounds over the Past Year. (FYI: I only weigh 135 pounds!)

• My husband got a "Male Manicure Set" from an in law.

• A Bottle of Spray on Evian Water for Dry Skin.

• My mom gave me a hand blender…I cried.

• A Foam Toilet Seat.

Gifts That Might Be Too Practical

• I got a luggage bag. Nothing was inside. Just a plain black luggage bag for no reason.

• My dad got me a used radiator fan from a 95 Mitsubishi Eclipse.

• I got a small shovel with an extending handle.

“Ah”, Nothing says Christmas like The Gift of Bad Music

• I got Hilary Duff's Christmas CD from like two years ago. My mom noticed that I had a magazine with her on the cover when I got off the plane. I think she wanted to show me that she does pay attention to the little things. The other little thing that she didn't know is that I found that issue of Seventeen while I was waiting around at LaGuardia for my plane to take off.

Funny Gifts that Aren’t So Funny

Not only that, but the jelly beans are cola flavored.

• A Bumper Sticker for my car that read: "If you like the Rear, Wait til you see my HEADLIGHTS"…(Editors Note: This was Given to a Dude.)

"The Big Bowl of Self-Esteem"
Like I need a fucking cereal bowl to inflate my ego.

The Gifts From the Regifters

• When I was a kid I bought myself a huge book about the show 'Dallas' from a yard sale because I was obsessed with it. This Christmas my Mom found it and wrapped it and gave it to me in hopes that I'd forgotten about it. I didn’t.

• Used Bed Sheets from my Grandma. (Editor’s Note: Seriously, I’m Disturbed.)

• I got Flavored Coffee from my aunt, it’s the same Coffee I gave her two years ago.

• I got a used Clue board game made 40 years ago with missing pieces and a broken, stained box. (The worst part is, this wasn't a gag gift).

Finally, The Following Gifts Defy Category….

•Song Birds of North America 3 (not 1 or 2, but 3 oh shit) and it was $50!!!!!

• My 3 year old niece had the best/worst gift. Her grandmother on her Dad's side gave her a porcelain African American nativity set. The child is neither African America nor religious. I believe the irony is that porcelain is a white ceramic.

• A Roll of Red Electric Tape from my Aunt and Uncle

• A big circle of rainbow yarn. I'm not quite sure what it is yet, but it's mine!!!

• My Mom gave me this little pouch - black and white with music notes on it. There was a ribbon loop at the top so I can hang it somewhere, but no one, not even my mom, can figure out its use. So for now, it's just a decorative 3"x2" cloth pouch.

• My little brother gave the entire family baby food jars wrapped in festive holiday paper to announce that he and his on again off again totally annoying glitter make up wearing fiancee/girlfriend are pregnant. I am concerned because mom to be looks like a cross between Ashlee Simpson and Ursula the Sea Witch. They both do not have cars, phones, and they both work at Blockbuster Video. They're apartment is smaller than my NY studio. They also have two ferretts.

One Person Summed Up This Experiment in a Different Way:

• "I don't get bad Christmas Presents, my family votes Republican".

Happy New Year! Thanks For Reading!


At 1:31 AM, Blogger Paul said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

At 3:19 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I received the book "Find a Husband After 35" and I'm not even 35 yet. My daughter received a candle from 1952 shaped like a nutcracker - and she's 8 - my great aunt likes to go shopping in her own house. My mother received a gold necklace with a gold pinecone hanging off of it. My dad got a pillow that says I love Yorkshire Terriers on it - and he has never owned a Yorkie.


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