Tuesday, February 28

Where's My Head?

If You Like My Head & Have a Penchant for PhotoShop...This Best Week Ever Blog Contest is For You

BWE Photoshop Contest: Put Paul Anywhere!

Paulheads

PaulsadamWe here at BWE love Paul Scheer. Look at that face, how could you not?

This is the first ever BWE Photoshop Contest. Below the jump we've included 3 Paul Scheer heads for you to play with. Now it's YOUR turn to decide what to do with them.

Email your submissions to: BWEphotoshopContest@gmail.com

Whoever submits our favorite entry will get a prize. The deadline is March 7, 2006, so make sure you get them in before that.

Where do you want to put Paul? The options are endless...

Good luck.

See another example, and get the full Paul Scheer heads by clicking HERE.


My Interview with Cheappop


Friday, February 24

Henchman Looking For Evil Genius

Hello, My Name is Nick Nack, I’m a Single White Male looking for a Villian. At 3'11 I might be short of stature but I’m long on dedication. I’d love to be your right-hand man, I’m loyal, funny, and I might try to assassinate you, but I only do that so that you keep up on your self-defense skills.
I'll do anything for you. Think of me as your personal assistant, chef, servant, and assassin. My perfect day is pouring perfectly-chilled champagne for you in the morning, narrating a death match in a special designed house of mirrors in the afternoon and launching a full-scale attack on 007 from your island compound in the evening.
I’ll be honest I haven’t done this is a long time, mainly because for the last 15 years I’ve been employed by Mr. Scaramanga (The Man with the Golden Gun...and Three Nipples) but James Bond killed him and blew up our Island. Also for the last few months, I was captured in a large suitcase by Bond and hung above a ship’s mast in the South Pacific until I was discovered by a curious sailor. Thank you Zyang, I owe you.

So I’m starting over. No Fatties need apply.

References: Scaramanga - Deceased
(This was inspired by the The Man with Golden Gun in the James Bond Marathon, Where Herve Plays the Funniest Henchman Ever, it's so Bizarre)

Wednesday, February 22

Wake The Sleeping Giant


The Human Giant Website is LIVE!
Bookmark it and Keep Checking Back for More Updates.
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The Telluride Ski Patrol Returns the to 7th Annual Telluride Comedy Festival

From the Cover of Monday's Telluride Gateway ...."Tomfoolery was at an all-time high Saturday night at the Sheridan Opera House when comedians Rob Huebel and Paul Scheer took the stage as Brody and Gary, two overly testosteroned ski patrollers that knew stretching was the key to a safe descent down the slopes. Photo by Drew Ludwig"

Unfortunately the local paper got it wrong. That isn't Rob Huebel and I. We became very sick due to the High Altitude and were forced to leave the hosting responsibilitiues of our Show to Brody BroStein and Gary Ann St. Clair, Two of Telluride's Most Attractive and Ridiculously Jacked Up Ski Patrol Members. Huebel and I planned on showing Short Films and doing some Sketch Comedy but instead Brody and Gary used the show to demonstrate their karate skills, talk about how much they get laid, and generally curse at the audience.

We also were very dissapointed to hear that they even took our sponsor "Telluride Hottubs & Spas" and refused to read the commercials that had prewritten for us but instead created new commercials in which they advocated the great features of "Telluride Hottubs" like having sex in them them and being able to kill someone you dislike in one and making it look like an accident. Needless to say our sponsor was pissed. but what can you say to two guys who claimed to have slept with Michelle Kwon, Geraldine Ferraro, Barbara Bush, Billy Jean King, That Girl from the "Take on Me" Video and Clay Aiken.

They ended the show by taking some time to offer some suggestions on how to make the Telluride Mountain more kickass by renaming some of Telluride's Favorite Slopes. Here's a Partial List.

Cake Walk Becomes Deathmarch
Butterfly Becomes Grizzly Attack
Dew Drop Becomes Pissing Match
Galloping Goose Becomes Cancer
Lower Galloping Goose Becomes Ball Cancer
Little Maude Becomes Crack Whore
The Meadows Becomes Nagaski

Hopefully next year we'll be able to take back the stage from these Guys.

Monday, February 20

LOST IS BACK!

I'll admit it, the last few episodes of Lost have been slightly...lackluster. Now don't get me wrong, they are not Desperate Housewives: Season 2 Bad, they've just been lacking all the kickass mystery stuff that causes fans like myself to learn hieroglyphics in hopes of deciphering what the F is going on!

Embarrassingly Enough, I'm apart of Multiple Lost Email Groups and Heated Fan Discussions, So Here's What You've Might Have Missed From the Last 2 Episodes:

First Let's Go Back to "The Long Con", when Sawyer sat down to a lunch
with his partner.
The waitress who came over to take their order was....none other than Kate's mother from the episode "What Kate Did".(Which totally proves my theory that Kate's Mother might be an undercover FBI agent disquised as a truckstop waitress on a sting mission to bust con men but tha'ts just a theory.)

Now Let's get down to Business, Last Week's Episode...It was Awesome!

First things 1st, this falls into the category of "cute." The 'Other' that Danielle caught in last said his name was Henry Gale and that he arrived on the island in a balloon. Seems simple enough until you realize that Henry Gale is the name of Dorothy's uncle in the 'Wizard of Oz'. And of course, a hot air balloon was supposed to be how Dorothy was to leave Oz and get back to Kansas. (Am I reaching?)

Also the military guy who was looking at the picture was Kate's dad, and the photo was of a young Kate. (Personally I'm bummed that Kate's Dad clearly doesn't remember Sayid, because if he did, when Kate came into his office a few episodes ago and Sayid was on the TV, he might have said something like, "Sssh! Baby, Hold on a Sec. I know you killed your stepfather and I haven't seen you for years but Holy Shit look at that dude on the TV. See him! (Kate nods) I totally hung with him when he tortured some dudes in Iraq. Man, those were good times! Whoa. Now back to you. What's your story?")

Now on the good stuff...The Clock went down to ZERO! Then this Popped Up
Yikes on Bikes! What Does that Mean?

Someone Smart Says,"I think it’s just “die”. The word underlined twice is the meaning or definition of that group of 5 symbols. The words preceding “die” are abbreviations used to explain the syntax of the hieroglyphics. i.e. its usage. A ‘noun’ or a ‘verb’ or ‘or ‘declaration’ or what have you." See Below:

(So technically it's "Cause to Die")

Also if You Wonder About those Weird Whispers From Earlier Episodes, Someone Has Decoded Them:

1. Before Ana Lucia shoots Shannon: "Shannon, she likes the guy, she likes the guy. Shannon, your life and time is up. Help me. Meet me on the other side. Her song. ... I don't think you should tell her when she comes ... Who's the guy? Fire Lucia. The brothers that help us. Are you done with it? Her song."
2. When Ana Lucia and Mr. Eko are in the jungle: "Who's this in the woods? Sawyer, Ana. I'm in someone's dream. Ich weiss nicht (German for "I don't know"). She's heavy. Black rock. Bring the boy."
(Just Reading Those Transcripts Freaks Me Out)Now while Questions Keeping getting Answered on LOST, "Freddie", keeps throwing us curveballs, like who Freddie should choose when it comes down between two women he finds irresistible. While Freddie is excited about Rose, who is fun and impulsive like him, he's also charmed by Denise's caring heart and sensitivity. However, when these women learn that he's dating both of them, will either want to stay? I Don't Know! What to Make of these Clues. Could it Be That Freddie Takes Place in a Alternate Reality or Maybe he's apart of a Sociology Experiment conducted by Brian Austin Green, Please STOP TEASING ME! I need Answers!

Wednesday, February 15

MY TUBE and Going Down on Paul Walkers WIfe

Isn't YouTube is Great!

I Recently Just Uploaded all My Videos and The Human Giant Shorts...Check Them Out.

MY VIDEOS
THE HUMAN GIANT SHORTS

Ever Dream of Going Down on Paul Walkers Wife?


Well Dream No Longer...There is a Online Game for the new Paul Walker Movie, "Running Scared" Where You Go Down on His Wife... Click Here ForThe Mature Version of the Game ...Read the Aint-it-Cool Story Here

Tuesday, February 14

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!

The Good Folks at College Humor asked the Question...."What is Love?" I Answered.

Sunday, February 12

The Most Embarrassing Thing That has Happened to Me...In the Last 24 Hours

Last night I hosted "Director's Commentary Live" at the UCB Theater. In the show, we improvise a Director's Commentary Track. Last night's film of choice was the romance classic "Pretty Woman" - which by the way, includes a totally out of place scene of Jason Alexander (George From Seinfeld) trying to rape Julia Roberts, it comes out of nowhere, talking about wrecking the feel good movie of the millenium! One second it's Pretty Woman and the next I'm watching Monster's Ball. Way to go Constanza, you blew it again!

Anyway, one of the responsibilities I had was renting the movie. Unfortunately I totally forgot to get the film until about 11:55PM (on a Saturday Night) -moments before the store closed- which led me to frantically run into my local Blocbuster Video demanding a membership and a copy of Pretty Woman. I think everyone in that interaction felt dirty. To make matters worse, I guess the A/C was on in the store pretty high and it made my eyes water a little, so basicaly I was the crazy crying man who ran into a Blockbuster Video at Midnight with the Toys R VISA demanding Pretty Woman. Yeah, It's good to be Me!

Wednesday, February 8

An Interview with Jesus


A Few Days Ago I Was Contacted By Jesus for an Interview...I Accepted the offer

Tuesday, February 7

The Best Valentines Day Card

Send One to a Loved One

Monday, February 6

Behind the Scenes of Illusionators and An Archived iTunes Radio Podcast

Tonight Illusionators Debuts in New York City at Crash Test. This is the second short put out by Human Giant (Aziz Ansari, Rob Huebel, Jason Woliner and Myself) and we are all really excited about it. To further wet your appetite here are some Behind the Scenes Tidbits about "Illusionators" .

1.) Illusionators was Shot in Las Vegas, New York, Hollywood, and Acient Mesopotamia.

2.) Aziz, Jason, and I got into a Fight with a Las Vegas Hertz Rental Agent at 3AM in the Morning Because We Wanted a Ford Taurus and not a Ford Escort.

3.) When We Were in our Costumes on the Las Vegas Strip Aziz and I were Called "Faggots" and upward of 70 Times in One Hour.

4.) Las Vegas Afternoon Magician and Millionaire Magazine's Magician of the Year Rick Thomas , speaks in the 3rd Person and would not let us his "Cats" for a Dramatic Scene, I believe he said, "Rick Thomas' Cats go with Rick Thomas"

4.) During One Scene in Illusionators I had a 103 Temp.

5.) The Film used NOT 1 But 2 Feral Burrows.

6.) The Entire Production was Fueled by In N Out Burger (They have a Secret Menu. I now order everything Animal Style)

7.) The Original name of Illusionators was MindFuckers.

8.) At Every Viewing Someone in the Audience will Die!
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My Friend Jake Fogelnest did an archival podcast preserving radio history this week when he posted a bunch of radio shows we did on NYC's 92.3 K-Rock...The Guests during this week included Ben Lee (Rockstar), Sarah Silverman (Jesus is Magic), Rob Corrdry (Daily Show), Rob Riggle (SNL), Samantha Ronson, Matt Walsh (UCB), Andrew Secunda (Creator of Love Inc.), and Rob Huebel (Inconsiderate Cellphone Guy). Pop it on your iPod and Listen Commercial Free and without Music

Click Here For The iTunes Version
Click Here For The BlogSpot Version

Also Check out Jake and Jackie on 92.3 Free FM every Mon-Thursday 10PM-2AM in NYC. I normally call in about once a week (and if you don't live in NYC you can stream from the FREE FM Site)

Friday, February 3

Harrison Ford Will Put You in Danger!

I Just Saw the Trailer for Harrison Ford's New Movie "Firewall" and I Learned One Thing, Don't Marry Harrison Ford! Sure, he's attractive, tough, and sensitive...he looks like the perfect husband and Dad but don't be fooled, by marrying him you are puttting yourself and your family in Horrible, Horrible, Danger. I guarantee you that everything will start off great, you'll think you have the perfect life and then one day you'll either be kidnapped, killed, held for ransom, haunted by a ghost or taken to South America. Don't Believe Me, let the facts speak for themselves!

Did You Know that in the Last 20 Years Harrison's Ford has made 18 Films and in 10 of those His Wife and/or Family Have been Put into Horrible Danger.

Let's Recap....

1986: The Mosquito Coast Harrison Ford Goes Nuts and Brings his Family Down to South America to Build an Ice Factory. What starts off as a bad idea gets worse when he hits his children, screams at his wife and eventually tears his family apart and turns their life into a Living Hell. (Danger Level: Intermediate)

1998: Frantic: While in the Shower His Wife is Kidnapped by French Punks. What the F! Harrison Turn Down Your Shower Tunes (Danger Level: Very High)

1992: Patriot Games: Sure Harrison looks So "Cool" When He Thwarts an assination attempt on a member of the Royal Family. But Guess What Hotshot? If you Kill a Member of the IRA...They Target Your Family for Assination. I Guess you aren't so "cool" Now! They Put his Daughter in theHospital.(Danger Level: High)

1993: The Fugitive: Why is he a Fugitive, because Someone Killed His Wife. Why? Because they wanted to send a Message to her Harrison. I guess she got the bum part of that deal. (Danger Level: His Wife is Killed! C'mon!)

1997: The Devils Own: "Honey, I Brought Home a Friend to Stay with Us...Oh Yeah He's an violent and Deadly killer for the IRA." Didn't He learn from Patriot Games That Doesn't End Well. (Danger Level: Low)

1997: Air Force One: His Family is Kidnapped Again! This would haven't have happened if they took JetBlue. (Danger Level: High)

1999: Random Hearts: Wife is Killed in a Plane Crash...What is it about his Guy. (Danger Level: Unexpected)

2000: What Lies Beneath: His Wife is Haunted by the Ghost of His Ex-Mistress. Upon Figuriung that Out Harrison Tries to Kill His Wife, Shining Style! (Danger Level: What the Shit, That's Crazy!)

"Oh, He's So Cute...Till Your Dead"

2002: K-19: The Widowmaker: It's In the Title. (Danger Level: Mild)

2006: Firewall: Need I Say More Just Look at the Family Cowering on the Poster

Now While Technically Not Putting his Wife and Children into Horrible Danger Harrison has had some other Film Roles where he Proves time and time again that he can still make life Tough for his Loved Ones. I Now Present...

The Honorable Mentions

1998: Working Girl - Cheats on his Hot Sexy Girlfriend with a Girl from Staten Island. I Guess He's Not Such a Great BoyFriend Afterall.

1989: Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade: Through A Series of Events. Indy and his Dad find themselves tied up in a room that is on fire ready to served up to the Nazis.

"Happy Father's Day"

1990: Presumed Innocent: Harrison's Mistress is Killed by His Wife, OJ Style. Not Cool Dude. What Happened to Having a Murder Free Affair?

1991: Regarding Henry: Harrison Gets Shot in the Head and His Wife's Needs Can't Be Fullfilled...You Know, Sexually.

1998: Six Days and Seven Nights: Whoopsie! A Drunk Harrison Crashes A Private Charter Plane into a Desserted Island. Smooth Move Elax!

So Ladies of the World...Beware of Harrison Ford and a Wedding Ring, Because once it's slipped on You'll Be Hurt, Kidnapped, or Killed! I Think this is why we haven't seen Calista Flockhart in Years!

Enjoy Firewall.

(Disclaimer...So apparently a Very Similiar Blog was Posted on the Best Week Ever Blog a Few Weeks Ago. Obviously I not plagiarisizing, because that would be just ridiculous, it doesn't benefit me at all. I also talked to Alex the original poster and he was really cool about it. Suffice it to say the Similarities are Scary. Even in the Formatting. But it's a total coincidence. My Blog was spurned on by a conversation I had while driving past the Firewall Premiere a few nights ago and I wrote it up when I got home. I even sent this blog to the Best Week Ever Blog on Friday so they could link to it, so I'm not trying to pull one over on anyone..So to all the negative posters give me the benefit of the doubt that in the 2 years that I've been doing this that I'm not about to start stealing ideas now. Also Keep in mind that we work for the same show, so we have a tendency to think alike.In The spirit of good posts here is a link to Alex's BWE Post Enjoy!)