Monday, April 24

Goodbye Neighbor....

Yesterday was a Sad Day in My Apartment Complex. My Next Store Neighbor Moved out.

Good Old 617 will Never Be The Same.
I Never Knew His Name, I always called him, "The Angry Guy".

He Was The Type of Guy Who You Never Wanted to Be Stuck in an Elevator With,
A Man Who You Always Thought Might Take a Swing at You For No Reason at All.
A Guy Who Kicked The Elevator Door When it Was Too Slow
and
Banged His Head into the Wall When He Forgot Something In His Apartment,

A Guy Who Hated Fire Exit Signs:


He Also Hated Walls and When The Door Wouldn't Stay Open, He Always Would Show That Wall Who Was Boss.
Did I Mention He Hated Fire Exit Signs...
Mainly He was a Guy who Let Actions Speak Louder Than Words...Goodbye Angry Smoking Guy, I'll Miss You and Your Always Shockingly White Sneakers!

Friday, April 21

Trapped in The Closet: A Live Roundtable Discussion with Special Guests in LA


What's A Sniggle?
What Does Rosie The Nosy Neighbor Really Know?
Who ate the Cherry Pie?
Who's Bridget's Baby Daddy?

If These Questions about R. Kelly's Hip-Hopera, "Trapped in the Closet" Keep You Up at Night, Then You Must Attend...If You Have No Idea What I'm Talking About then Attendance is Mandatory!
TRAPPED IN THE CLOSET: A ROUNDTABLE DISCUSSION
(Chapters 6-12)

ONE NIGHT ONLY!
**WITH 3 SPECIAL GUESTS FROM THE ACTUAL VIDEO!**


April 22nd at 10PM

The UCB Theater Los Angeles
5919 Franklin Ave
323-908-8702

Buy Tickets Now!
There Are A Limited Number of Seats That Have Just Gone on Sale

Previous Guests Have Included:
Paul F. Tompkins (Best Week Ever), David Cross (Mr. Show/Arrested Development), Rob Riggle (SNL), Matt Besser (UCB),Matt Walsh (UCB), Nicole Parker (MADTV), Stephanie Weir (MADTV), Rob Huebel (Inconsiderate Cellphone Man), Arden Myren (MADTV), Rachel Harris (Best in Show), Brandon Johnson (PUNK'D), Nick Kroll (Author, Bar Mitzvah Disco), Andy Milonkais (MTV), Andy Blitz (Late Night with Conan O'Brien), Eugene Mirman, and Andy Kindler and More......

Thursday, April 20

The Best Album and Drink of 2006

Finally it is Here, Steven Seagal's Debut Album, Mojo Priest!
My Favorite Tracks are Gunfire in the Juke Joint and Talk to My Ass




When I'm Kicking Back in My Dojo Listening to the Smooth Rockabilly/Cajun Sounds of Mojo Priest I Like to Drink Me Some...Steven Seagal Lightning Bolt!


Steven Seagal claims that Lightening Bolt is made out of the Finest Herbs From His Garden which he then Strangles, Karate Kicks and Choke Holds until they are submissive enough to be put into each can.

It Also Comes in 2 Flavors...Cherry Charge and Asian Experience.
Wait! What?!!
ASIAN EXPERIENCE!?!
Seriously How is That a Flavor?
Is Steven Saying that This Drink Could Shows you what it is like to see the World Through the Eyes of an Asian Person and if so isn't that a Little too Broad of an Experience? When I tasted it my "Asian Experience" was less of Soicology Experiment and more like drinking William Hung's Back Sweat.

Anyway, I Do Love the Steven Seagal's Energy Drink, Because You Drink it and You Can Totally Kick Ass For Like 10 Minutes and Then You Dissapear For 10 Years.
It's a Price I'm Willing to Pay For The Energy Od SEAGAL!

Tuesday, April 18

The Best New Teen Magazine

Young Ladies This is For You, Last Night I invited into a Focus Group for a New Female Teen Magazine...

YM, Cosmo Girl, Twist, and Elle Girl. Those Magazines are Bullshit!
This New Magazine Tells it like it is, It's Called YB! or Young Bitch!

The Focus Group was Hosted by Jonathan Gordon Taylor Lyle Joseph Harnett Williams and William Billy Scott Dave Marc Paul Mackey Jr...And These Guys know what Girls Want and the first thing is Long Names!

They also Loaded us up with some amazing facts:
Did you know that 75% of Girls Between the Ages of 10 and 15 are in Jail?...Yup, It's A Fact!
(Jonathan Gordon and William Billy Told Us we Could Believe Them our Waste our Lives Spending time on The Internet Trying to Prove Them Wrong, I Just Opted to Believe Them.)

Since this is the 1st Female Teen Magazine Run Exclusively By Men, They Aren't Afraid to Pull Punches, Check out Some of the Articles in This Month's Issue..

And My Personal Favorite...


They Also Gave Us Documented Proof That:
Chad Michael Murray is a Rapist
Jonathan Taylor Thomas Beats Up Down Syndrom Children
and
Joseph Gordon Levitt Started the Aids Virus as a Joke

Plus They Gave Helpful Tips to Young Girls, in an Impromtu Q&A Session:

Q: I'm only 18 and My Boyfriend is in College, He Keeps Pressuring Me To Have Sex, I Love Him But I'm Not Sure I'm Ready. What Should I Do?

A: Duh! Have Sex with Him. Do You Know How Many Girls Would Kill to Be in Your Position?


Overall, it was a Really Revealing Night, So Make Sure You Pick up Your Issue of YB on Newstands Soon!

Friday, April 14

Nothing Much Happening on Lost But.....

So The Last 2 Episodes of "Lost" Have Been Fairly Straight Forward, No Hidden Clues, No "Mysteries" That Require Loads of Internet Research or Backwards Audio That Needs to Be Converted To Normal...Just Pretty Good Episodes.

But How Cool Was it When Michael Popped Out of the Jungle? That Was Awesome and Why is it, that the "Losties" are talking about Walt but no one ever talks about Michael, C'mon WTF, Is the Biggest Mystery of the Island that everyone is Racist..

Anyway, Here are Some Things You Might Have Missed.... This is an Interesting Theory Someone Posted on the Tail Section...

Remember Claire's Baby's Daddy? Well He Was an Artist...


Whose Paintings Look Very Similiar to the One Found in the Hatch...

Look at the Similiaraties Between the Design and the Way He Keeps His Painting Tools, Interesting Right? Look Check Them Side By Side...
I Have No Idea What This Means..I Don't Think He Could Have Been In The Hatch, Unless The Island Brought All The Negative People in the Current Losties Life to the Island First...So Think About That.

Secondly, Henry Gale's WIDMORE BALLOON

The Most Interesting Thing Here is (HUGE NERD ALERT!)...The Cola advertised on the Side of the Balloon, is possibly Nozz-A-La, a famous fake brand, popularized in Stephen King's Dark Tower series and Kingdom Hospital.

The Other Thing is that there is a pink oval on the body is the WIDMORE logo seen on Sun's pregnancy test packaging. So, who exactly is the real Henry Gale? What was he really doing on the Balloon (obviously not traveling across the Pacific with his wife)? What is his connection to Widmore? And what exactly is Widmore? This is the third reference to WIDMORE on the show: 1) The WIDMORE CONSTRUCTION sign in Fire+Water 2) Sun's pregnancy test 3) Henry Gale's balloon...I Also Found a Fake Website For It WIDMORE LABS


Okay That's All I Got For Now...

Thursday, April 13

BLACKBALLED OPENS IN NYC TODAY!



BLACKBALLED: THE BOBBY DUKES STORY
Starring The Daily Shows ROB CORDDRY

Launches its US Theatrical release at
The Two Boots Pioneer Theater
East 3rd Street between Avenues A & B
New York City
April 13th
Pioneer Theater

Watch The Trailer:


Rolling out through April to: Tucson, AZ; Boston, MA; Austin, TX; Washington, DC; Chicago, IL; San Francisco, CA and many other cities

Starring The Daily Show's Rob Corddry as the title character, Blackballed: The Bobby Dukes Story, is the tale of paintball's first superstar. While leading his team to their unprecedented fourth consecutive victory at the Hudson Valley Paintball Classic, Bobby Dukes was shot. Desperate to stay in the game, Bobby intentionally wiped the paint from his jersey, thus committing paintball's most heinous crime -- "Wiping." Rejected by the paintball community, Bobby was banished from the sport. In disgrace, Bobby disappeared.

Ten years later, the ban lifted, a well-traveled and more mature Bobby is back to prove himself on the field that made him famous. Bobby joins forces with an unlikely ally, assembles a band of misfits and attempts to erase the memory of his tainted past.

The cast is rounded out by familiar faces hailing from the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater, including: Paul Scheer, Rob Riggle, Curtis Gwinn, Rob Huebel, Dannah Feinglass, Seth Morris, Jamie Denbo, Jack McBrayer, Owen Burke, Billy Merritt, Ed Helms, Andrew Secunda, Sean Conroy, Brett Gelman, Jon Daly, Vadim Newquist, Josh Perilo, Wendy Spero, John Gemberling and John Ross Bowie.

Awards
Winner – Audience Award – South by Southwest Film Festival 2004
Winner – Special Jury Prize – Lake Placid Film Festival 2004
Winner – Grand Jury Prize – Oxford Film Festival 2004
Winner – Audience Award – Oxford Film Festival 2004
Winner – Audience Award – Independent Film Festival of Boston 2005
Winner – Best Improv Film – Improv. Miami 2005
Winner – Outstanding Achievement in Writing – Visionfest 2005


New York screenings begin Thursday, April 13th at the Pioneer Theater.
YOU MUST BUY ADVANCED TICKETS NOW TO RESERVE YOUR SEAT!

SCREENINGS ARE ALREADY SOLD OUT!

To buy tickets, go to: HERE

Blackballed will be rolling out to other cities in following weeks, including:

Tucson, AZ – The Loft Theater, Opening April 21st

Boston, MA – Brattle Theater, Opening April 28th

And many others…

Check out www.bobbydukes.com for more information and to find out upcoming cities and dates.

Monday, April 10

Cool Things My Mom Threw Out

This past weekend, I was contemplating buying a PSP and it got me thinking about all the videogame systems I've owned in the past. I always seemed to buy the ones no one else played I bought like the Lynx, 3Do, Sega CD, Jaguar and the ultimate underdog videogame system, ColecoVision...That's Right, When everyone was playing Krull on Atari I was playing my Coleco Vision with it's Bulky Add-On Steering Wheel and Gas Pedal Contraption that only worked for one game, Pole Position.

I'd love to play it now but I realized it's fate was the same as many of my cool toys, thrown away by my mom. So this now officially starts a new blog column..."Cool Things My Mom Threw Out".

One of Those Cool Things was My Favorite Coleco Game Smurf: Rescue in Gargamel's Castle.

"F! Sam Fischer" Smurf was the First Video Game Covert Operative. Just Read The Instructions:
That's The Whole Game, If My Memory Serves Me Correct, It Took about 3 Minutes of Jumping over Strategically Placed Fences until you reached Gargamel's Castle, Climbed a Wall, Rescued Smurfette and That was It. Then You Repeated the Same Exact Board until You Were Bored and I Loved it. The only things that changed was the level indicator in the upper left hand corner. If you still think it sounds too hard, don't worry, because in case you were wondering Gargamel and Azarel were never home, so you never had any interference.

Also Note How You Control "Smurf", Not Vanity, Pappa, Handy or Brainy, He's Just a Nameless, Non Adjective Described Smurf. But You Didn't Care!


200 Points For Jumping...Holy Shit That's Easy and Great Smurf Cardio too Boot.

I'll Leave You with this...If Smurfs are like Kids Then I'm just realizing now that Gargamel might have been the world's first cartoon pedophile. He was like that Bicycle Repair shop owner on that Very Special Episode of Different Strokes!

Wednesday, April 5

Movie Doctor: Basic Instinct


This Past Weekend I went to see Basic Intinct 2 and apparently I was the only one who did. BI2 was supposed to be a Huge Box Office Hit but it took everyone for surprise when it tied for 10th place at the Box Office with Larry The Cable Guy: Health Inspector and that movie doesn't even have any fingerbanging in it. C'mon what is the world coming too?

People Are Wondering What Went Wrong....I'm here too help.

1.) First of all, was the First Movie even that good to warrant a Sequel? All I remember is a shot of Sharon Stone's Junk and an Ice Pick. I challenge you to remember more.

2.)Secondly If you are going to forgo characters and plot and base a entire sequel on a crotch shot, chances are you are making a porn. More importantly if you making a sequel based on crotch shot don't wait 14 years. Maybe it's me, but I don't want to see Denise Richards and Neve Campbell reunite in a sequel to Wild Things in 2024. If You are going to make a sequel make it quick before the crotch ages because at this point she needs to put that thing away in a pair granny panties.

3.)Use the Word "Come" sparingly, maybe it's sexy the first 15-20 times but after that you are kinda pushing it...I believe I counted it used at least 100 times throughout this 114 minute film, That's like once a minute.

4.) Sequels should be bigger and better than the original but in this movie there was Less Sex, Less Plot, and No Michael Douglas. It was like watching Star Wars: The Phantom Menace all over again.

5.) Don't get me Wrong, I'm a Huge Fan of Choose Your Own Adventures but when you see a mystery movie you kinda want a resolution to the "mystery". Basic Instinct 2 ended like Clue: The Movie. There are literally 3 different solutions to the crime but they don't tell you which one is actually true, Clue even did that.

6.) Plastic Surgery Makes The Body Scary!...Really Scary!....Trust Me!...I Just Got Shivers thinking about the Hottub Scene. In this movie Sharon Stone's Breasts seemed more deadly than any ice pick and I mean that literally, they were so pointed they could stab you in the gullet.

7.) Unless it's a Cop's Name, Don't Use The Title of the Movie in the Movie...Sharon Stone's character when referencing the content of her books says, "You Know Their About the Basic Instincts" I really wanted her to say, "You Know Their About the Basic Instincts...2...(Awkward Pause)...Risk Addiction..(Party Guest Clears Throat) ...Right, anyway I'm going to go now."

8.) And Finally If This is the 1st Line of Your Movie:

Guy: I Can't Move
Sharon Stone: You Don't Have to, You Are In a Car

Stop Writing! Immediately!


____________________________________________________________________

There are So Many More Little Details about this Trainwreck, That I'd Love to Mention but if you Haven't Seen it You'll Have No idea what I'm Talking About. But Here's a Brief List of Some Things that Still Plague Me...

-For a Sexy Woman, She Carries Around Really Bulky, Weird ,Touristy Lighters.
-Why Does the Court Appointed Therapist Practice in the Baxter Building.
-Is Choke Fucking in?
-Is Sex Suppposed to Be Scary.
-Why is it So Easy to Get off a Murder Charge in London?
-David Thewlis Has the Best Moustache in the Biz.
-Why Doesn't The S&M Prostitute Rat out the Shrink Immediately?
-How Can the First Five Minutes Be So Good and the Next Hundred be so Bad
-I Miss the Subtle Dialogue of Showgirls Scribe Joe Esterhaus.

If You Saw This Movie I'd Love to Hear Your Favorite Moments.....

Tuesday, April 4

I Bought This...

Even Though it about 20 Years Too Late, It's Still The Best Toy Ever! I Wish it Had an Expletive Filled Sound Chip, Which Said Stuff like:

"Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker."
"No fucking shit, lady. Do I sound like I'm ordering a pizza?"
"Just like I heard your brother squeal. When I broke his fucking neck."
"Take *this* under advisement, jerkweed. "

Think of all the Fun You Could Have, Staging Terrorist Attacks with Coibra and Skeletor and Having John Mclane Save The Day. I'm Still Kinda Bummed There isn't a Hans Gruber Action Figure.

I Bough This At Spencer's Gifts and I Have Some Observations...

1.) It's Gotten Way Dirtier. When I was Kid I Remember They Sold Fake Poop and Things Like Sex Pills, Now They Have Jenna Jameson Keychains That Orgasm When You Press a Button and I Swear to God I saw a Novelty Dildo.

2.) Do People Really Love Corona That Much That They Need to Make Neon Lights, Rugs, Blankets, Illuminated Posters, Keychains, and Shot Glasses Emblazoned with it's Logo for Use in the Home. Now, maybe I can see why you might like all that stuff but Shot Glasses, That's Pushing it, Those Should Be Purely For YAGER! Am I Right YAGER? Yeah! Party! (I just passed out)

3.) 4 Foot Tall Bride of Chucky Dolls...Not Chucky Dolls But Bride of Chucky Dolls.

4.) Spencer's Credit Cards, if you have One, Just Man Up and Tell Your Folks You Sell Pot for a Living.

5.) Farts Sound Machines Never Get Old. Seriously, They Still Make Me Laugh, Am I in the wrong? I Also really liked a Device That Gives You The Finger and Says FUCK YOU!