Wednesday, April 5

Movie Doctor: Basic Instinct

This Past Weekend I went to see Basic Intinct 2 and apparently I was the only one who did. BI2 was supposed to be a Huge Box Office Hit but it took everyone for surprise when it tied for 10th place at the Box Office with Larry The Cable Guy: Health Inspector and that movie doesn't even have any fingerbanging in it. C'mon what is the world coming too?

People Are Wondering What Went Wrong....I'm here too help.

1.) First of all, was the First Movie even that good to warrant a Sequel? All I remember is a shot of Sharon Stone's Junk and an Ice Pick. I challenge you to remember more.

2.)Secondly If you are going to forgo characters and plot and base a entire sequel on a crotch shot, chances are you are making a porn. More importantly if you making a sequel based on crotch shot don't wait 14 years. Maybe it's me, but I don't want to see Denise Richards and Neve Campbell reunite in a sequel to Wild Things in 2024. If You are going to make a sequel make it quick before the crotch ages because at this point she needs to put that thing away in a pair granny panties.

3.)Use the Word "Come" sparingly, maybe it's sexy the first 15-20 times but after that you are kinda pushing it...I believe I counted it used at least 100 times throughout this 114 minute film, That's like once a minute.

4.) Sequels should be bigger and better than the original but in this movie there was Less Sex, Less Plot, and No Michael Douglas. It was like watching Star Wars: The Phantom Menace all over again.

5.) Don't get me Wrong, I'm a Huge Fan of Choose Your Own Adventures but when you see a mystery movie you kinda want a resolution to the "mystery". Basic Instinct 2 ended like Clue: The Movie. There are literally 3 different solutions to the crime but they don't tell you which one is actually true, Clue even did that.

6.) Plastic Surgery Makes The Body Scary!...Really Scary!....Trust Me!...I Just Got Shivers thinking about the Hottub Scene. In this movie Sharon Stone's Breasts seemed more deadly than any ice pick and I mean that literally, they were so pointed they could stab you in the gullet.

7.) Unless it's a Cop's Name, Don't Use The Title of the Movie in the Movie...Sharon Stone's character when referencing the content of her books says, "You Know Their About the Basic Instincts" I really wanted her to say, "You Know Their About the Basic Instincts...2...(Awkward Pause)...Risk Addiction..(Party Guest Clears Throat) ...Right, anyway I'm going to go now."

8.) And Finally If This is the 1st Line of Your Movie:

Guy: I Can't Move
Sharon Stone: You Don't Have to, You Are In a Car

Stop Writing! Immediately!


There are So Many More Little Details about this Trainwreck, That I'd Love to Mention but if you Haven't Seen it You'll Have No idea what I'm Talking About. But Here's a Brief List of Some Things that Still Plague Me...

-For a Sexy Woman, She Carries Around Really Bulky, Weird ,Touristy Lighters.
-Why Does the Court Appointed Therapist Practice in the Baxter Building.
-Is Choke Fucking in?
-Is Sex Suppposed to Be Scary.
-Why is it So Easy to Get off a Murder Charge in London?
-David Thewlis Has the Best Moustache in the Biz.
-Why Doesn't The S&M Prostitute Rat out the Shrink Immediately?
-How Can the First Five Minutes Be So Good and the Next Hundred be so Bad
-I Miss the Subtle Dialogue of Showgirls Scribe Joe Esterhaus.

If You Saw This Movie I'd Love to Hear Your Favorite Moments.....


At 5:22 AM, Blogger Ned Hepburn said...

y'know i hope it was nearly as good as Herbie Fully Loaded. that movie was genius in its levels of low.

gots ta love nascar. watching broom broom's go weeeee around a circle for nigh on four hours...

At 8:39 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is a test

At 10:29 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey, I would love to know who's artwork is featured in the bathroom sceen in this movie. I loved that bent over behind!


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