Monday, May 29

CRASH TEST Becomes BBQ TEST (OFFER Good For NYC Residents Only)

Crash Test Presents... BBQ TEST! TONIGHT AT UCB THEATER NYC @ 11PM - PRICE:FREE!
Go to www.ucbtheater.com/ny for More Details

Its Memorial Day and instead of BBQing at home, participate in Paul Scheer and Aziz Ansari's BBQ BATTLE this Monday at Crash Test! Tonight, Paul Scheer and I will be judging 3 chefs as they bring their best to the UCB stage. Email us ASAP if you want to enter, only 3 contestants will be accepted.

Contestants are required to cook:

1) Appetizer (which can be prepared beforehand)

2) Main course (cooked on stage using theatre friendly cookware - think Foreman grill or similar indoor cooking gear)

3) Dessert (anything goes)

The judges will be Paul, Aziz, and 3 randomly selected audience members. Paul and Aziz will chip in $10 to each contestant, and the competitors must be able to bring their cookware, etc.

To be considered, email aziz AT azizisbored.com with the subject "BBQ BATTLE" and list what you plan on cooking and any cooking credentials.

We will also be welcoming comedians..

Eugene Mirman

Nick Kroll

and

Jerry Minor

Thursday, May 25

The Lost Season 2 Finale…What You Missed!


Wow! I Don’t Even Know Where to Begin! It was Awesome! 2 Hours. 3 Cliffhangers. Tons of loose ends that were tied up and even more new confusing questions were asked. I have never wanted the summer to be over with so quickly I can't wait to get back to the crazy F@#$%ing Island and figure out what the hell is going.

While America was watching Taylor Hicks make Pleated Khakis look cool, I was watching Lost! Now since last night’s episode was so incredibly jammed packed with information, I’m going to focus of some cool stuff you might have missed and some of the new theories on the net about what they mean. If only I was so vigiliant in school.

Let’s start with things we know…

Last night tons of “Island Theories” were debunked, much to the chagrin of Lost nerds like myself. We now know that everything that happens on the island is happening in real time and not a time warp, they're not all dead, or on another planet. Which totally blows my Waterworld Theory, Dammit! I was positive that the Kevin Costner character “The Mariner” was going to make a cameo in Season 3.

We also know that Oceanic Flight 815 crashed on 09/22/04 and according to the show's timeline they’ve been on the island for roughly 67 days, which means that it is possible that “The Others” just wanted Jack, Sawyer, Kate and Hurley over for Thanksgiving dinner but when they saw Hurley they realized they didn’t have enough food, so they sent him all away. Poor Hurley, first his lady gets shot then he can’t even eat Thanksgiving Dinner at the grown up table.

Last Night also had a ton of connections too..

Kelvin Inman (Clancy Brown) Desmond’s partner in the Hatch was also the guy who made Sayid tourture his boss at that military base (in an episode back in Feb.), but then his name was Joe Inman. Now that's interesting but even more interesting is why (in the Feb episode) did Joe also have a picture of Kate in his wallet, maybe Kate’s Dad isn’t her biological dad. Weird.

Secondly Elizabeth's (Libby's) late husband was named David. Hurley's imaginary friend was also named David. Hurley and Libby were in the psych hospital together. connection? Probably not but it’s still something to think about that while you are at work which will assure you from doing any real work done.

The Foot Statue...
One of the coolest images of the night was the huge foot statue that looked like something from The Simpsons. Maybe the whole island was built by Millhouse, in an attempt to trap Lisa. So far no one agrees with me but there is alot of argument over what exactly it means.

A Few months ago, I mentioned in my Blog that the hieroglyphics after the countdown ended spelt out “DEATH”. Now here’s basic Egyptian history lesson: Anubis was originally the main Egyptian God of the Underworld (aka Death), but as belief systems changed he took a backseat to Osiris. BUT Anubis has the head and tail of a jackal, but the body of a man. one of the most well-recognized egyptian artifiacts is a statue of Anubis found in Tutankhamun's tomb. This statue is notable because its feet only have 4 toes. Who needs college when you have google.

But Some people are saying that the foot is actually apart of larger Dragon and if you remember the invisible map on the back of the blast door (that Locke saw oh so many episodes ago) there was a lot of things written in latin, one of which read, "here be dragons."

So I don't know.

Here's Some Stufff You Might Have Missed....

My favorite part was when they were on the dock at the end, and Alex was lifting Kate up. Watch it, Alex Totally grabs Kate's boobs. take a look.

Wow! Dude, those others are pretty forward.

A ton of people assume the researchers in the artic station were Russian but they are actually speaking Portugese. So put that in your racist pipe and smoke it.

Also at the end when the two men are in the monitoring station and the computer starts to beep and reads "]:/ 7418880 Electromagnetic Anomaly Detected" - That 7418880 is the same number that you get when you multiply "4 x 8 x 15 x 16 x 23 x 42 = 7418880" –So what does that Mean?….I have no idea!

Then before the Sawyer, Jack, and Kate were attacked, we heard those weird whispers again and upon playback you can clearly hear them say, "Elizabeth".

Also That Weird Dinosaur Bird That Attacked Hurley is Similiar to the Weird Bird in the 1st Season Finale that Almost attacked Hurley on the way to blow up the Hatch. Maybe the Bird is some how looking out for him.


Check this out…The actor who played Widmore (The Guy Behind Sun's Pregnancy Test and the Balloon) also played Caleb on The O.C. and Libby (who is now widely believed to work for Widmore) gave Desmond a boat but when you look at the back of the boat you can see it’s from Newport Beach (The Town in the O.C.) Which proves my Theory that Peter Gallagher is Alvar Hanso.


Desmond's letters indicate that Penny was living in Knightsbridge, which is the same city that Lucy Heatherton was living in (Lucy is the girl that Charlie cons in Season 1 - ends up taking a job for her father's copier company).

Here's 1 New Thought for Next Season...

A few episodes ago, the Australian Fortune teller told Rose there are certain places in the world where it’s believed that the electromagnetic energy is so high it might cure disease, so now that the hatch blew up Rose might go back to dying and Locke might have to use his wheelchair again. So sad!

Okay, That's all For now...Till Next Season. The Lost Report Closes. Unless Something Really Good Happens!

Wednesday, May 24

Tonight is The Season Finale of Lost!

And Everyone is Wondering....What is Going to Happen to This Guy!

BERNARD!

Friday, May 19

It's Time For an iPod Battle

This week I was asked to take part in an iPod Battle with Bob from Best Week Ever Blog and Post Show Fame. We filmed it to make sure nobody could cheat and now it's in your hands. Check out our shuffles, vote on a winner

Vote Here!

Tuesday, May 16

Make You Own Best Week Ever (BWE: Remix Contest)


I'll React To Whatever You Want!

The Good Folks at Best Week Ever Have Started Another Contest...In This one You Have the
Chance to create your very own Best Week Ever segment! How, you ask? Well, it’s easy. They give you clipsof all your favorite BWE panelists. You do whatever you want with them and post it to their site, BWE.tv’s users vote the best ones to the top, and the winners get prizes. Sounds pretty cool, right?

Click Here to Read More Explicit Directions

So Go Ahead and Make Me Say Some Crazy Shit!

Monday, May 15

Don't Kill Marissa Cooper!


Many rumors are going around the net that the OC’s own Marissa Cooper might die in this week’s season finale of The OC and I say…C’MON, GIVE HER A BREAK!

We can’t lose Marissa. She’s the ultra troubled and perfectly cute core of The OC. If she goes who will Ryan, Summer, and Seth go rescue from a deadly weekend in Tijuana or help kick alcoholism without the help of pesky doctors or clinics? More importantly whom is Ryan going to fall in and out of love with 7 times a year?

For The last 3 years we’ve seen Marissa through some tough times, she’s been through a divorce, break-ups, lesbianism, accidents, countless boyfriends, and varying degrees of high school popularity, but that was nothing compared to this year.

Since September Marissa Cooper had a streak of bad luck it that would make even Michael Jackson, say “Yikes!” But she keeps coming back more! She’s like a punching bag with good hair and designer clothes. Let’s recap, this season started with Marissa recovering from almost being raped by Trey, her boyfriend’s ex-convict brother, who was like an ambercombie&fitch model with a coke habit. Then she shot and almost killed Trey in cold blood, but you can’t fault her for that, I mean who hasn’t done something like that during Junior Year in High School? It’s a rite of passage, that and drinking a whole case of Zima and declaring “Check Me out, Y’all”.



As her Junior year in High School starts not only does she lose her social chair (shit-balls!) but she’s also expelled from Harbor High School, by a Dean who likes to have sex with underage girls, but that’s a whole different plotline. Now she’s forced to go to public school, where they don’t even have a Starbucks on school grounds (So Blue Collar!). But it’s all good because her parents are getting back together, right? Wrong! That’s not going to happen because her father mysteriously leaves town, leaving the family broke. WTF! Things get worse when her reformed slutty/deceptive mother moves into a trailer park, but not the kind that MTV visits as part of a reality show with Mandy Moore, this is a real crappy one and doesn’t tell Marissa

Back at public school Marissa meets up with Johnny, a real nice guy, think Ryan from Season 1 but with a penchant for surfing instead of fighting. She kinda likes him but she won’t admit that to herself UNTIL Johnny gets hit by a car. This wrecks his surfing career and Marissa feels guilty,


“Damn you Marissa. Why Must you wreck everyone’s life?!”

Anyway, the injured Johnny is way better than they active one. Marissa becomes Florence Nightingale with a Versace thermometer and drugged up Johnny is like “I Love You” and Marissa is like “No! Not going to Happen”. Johnny is crushed but rebounds quickly by dating Marissa’s much younger sister (not cool dude) who is home from boarding school because she grifted money from a fraternity and she needs to hide. Since when did The OC become West Coast Sopranos.

Now Marissa is still dating Ryan, but she realizes her true feelings when she gets jealous watching her sister dirty dance with Johnny at a birthday party, “No one puts Marissa in a corner!’ Marissa tries to tell Johnny her true feelings but she’s too late because Johnny drunkenly falls off a cliff, now her teen angst has a body count. She of course is implicated in the death, because he fell with her rejection letter in his hand, talk about melodrama, this is Shakespeare Light.

At this point, Ryan has had enough and he dumps Marissa. Marissa is alone and who does she run too? The enemy of her almost boyfriend (Johnny), this evil dude Volchek, duh? And you thought Lost was complicated! This guy Volchek gets her high and has reckless sex with her. He’s a bad influence and Marissa starts doing bad stuff, like throwing away her college acceptance letter.

Marissa is in a downward spiral, now she should be happy because her mom has moved out from the trailer park and gots engaged to her best friend’s dad (For those keeping count that’s the 3rd husband for Marissa’s Mom in 3 Years) but she isn’t. Then in between commercial breaks Marissa turns her life around. She dumps Volchek, goes to her college weekend, has a great time and then realizes that she’ll never succeed anywhere, again I really don’t know why. She goes back to Volcheck, she asks him to the prom. While their Volchek makes out with another girl, his excuse, boredom, that dude is ballsy. He also steals $5000 from the Prom Committee chairman. How many signs does she need to realize this dude is bad news? Anyway Marissa deals with all of this the only way she knows how, getting drunk on a bottle of Tequila on a Pier. Classy.



Just when you think it’s too much pressure and Marissa will break under the weight of her hectic 9 months, she goes back to her fun loving ways and pretends to be a British stripper to help her sister get a secret school document. Now, I don’t know if that’s a bad thing but I think if pretending to be a stripper is your 1st plan you probably have see some serious shit going on in your life and she has. Now this week, it’s graduation and she’s been through a lot, I hope this week we find out that she has a bomb in head and it explodes as she gets her diploma. That would be the only fitting end to the OC’s troubled sweetheart.

So whenever you start feeling bad for yourself, stop for a second and realize that you don’t have it nearly as bad as Marissa Cooper. In 9 months she’s had more Drama than every Law and Order episode and their spin offs combined.

So I Beg You Josh Schwartz don’t kill Marissa. She’s Responsible for all the good stuff in the show and without her you just have a bunch of rich kids listening to Interpol and Yes I'd still watch but I wouldn't be as excited about it.

Friday, May 12

Movie Epilogues: The Sequels That Never Were

In Hollywood the name of the game is money. When a movie is a hit, studio executives are immediately thinking sequel. This past summer, I had a chance to sit to down with a very well known “Hollywood Insider” who only agreed to my interview under the guise of strict anonymity (Here’s a hint his name rhymes with Steven Spielberg.) Throughout our discussion he let me in on the plots of some of Hollywood’s biggest sequels…that were never made.

So now for the first time you too can find out what happened to your favorite characters after the credits have rolled.

Se7en
Picking up seven years after the original film. We rejoin Detective David Mills (Brad Pitt) on the day he is to be released from prison. As he is collecting his belongings he is surprised to find that along with his leather jacket he’s also handed his wife’s head (still inside the box in which he last saw it). But that’s not all. She’s come back from the dead. She’s psychic and she can talk, but only David can hear her. Is he crazy or is this his best partner ever.

Ostracized by his friends and family for carrying around a box with his dead wife’s head in it and eager to begin working as a detective again David bypasses the police department and opens up his own detective agency in the freezer section of an abandoned 7-11. But alas there is danger at every turn as the famed Zodiac Killer starts killing again and only they can stop him. Hopefully David won’t lose his head again, because on this case two heads aren’t better than one.

Poster Idea*: Brad Pitt with a Flashlight in one hand and Gwyneth Paltrow’s head in the other as they are investigating a particularly grisly murder, reminiscent of the scene in the first movie with the sin of Gluttony. (*Sadly My PhotoShop Skill Prevent Me From Making These Posters)


The Goonies
It’s 10 years after that fateful day on beach when the Goonies pillaged One Eyed Willy’s Treasure and Chunk demanded that Sloth move in with him and his family. After numerous behavior problems, lack of communication skills, and the excessive eating of one too many Baby Ruth candy bars, Chunk’s parents are fed up! They are kicking Chunk and Sloth out and they are moving to Big City. New York will never be the same.

This is the movie that asks the question can one fat guy and one slightly retard mutant live together without driving each other crazy, the answer is, NO! Often mistaken for being a homosexual couple Chunk and Sloth can never score with the women (even after Sloth performs his own version of the Truffle Shuffle at the Bungalow Club). But that’s just the tip of the iceberg, you see they have their own share of problems, Chunk’s a pig and Sloth is a neat freak. It’s going to be a battle to the end or at least a battle until Chunk gets Sloth chained up to the basement wall again.

(FYI: Captain Lou Albano supposedly was to return without Cindy Lauper to sing the new titular song, “The Sloth Couple” OR “Sloth this Way”)

Poster Ideas: A Strict Parody of the Odd Couple Movie Poster with Chunk and Sloth.


Say Anything
When we last left Lloyd Dobbler (John Cusack) and Diane Court (Ione Skye) they were boarding a plane towards London, little did they know that while they were in the air a zombie virus was accidentally released across Britain. When they land they are immediately attacked. Diane is bit and slowly descends into zombie-dom. Now Lloyd must put his kickboxing skills into use as he fights his way across London to secure an antidote. “I gave her my heart and all she gave me was the taste of flesh”, Lloyd utters after being bit by Diane in the climatic finale of the film. Say Anything! becomes Bite Something!

Poster Idea: Lloyd with a Boombox next to Big Ben with thousands of Zombies revolting from hearing Peter Gabriel’s “In Your Eyes.”

Gandhi
Sure Gandhi was a great man who freed the people of India from British rule but before the hunger strikes and non-violent resistance, Mohandas had one thing on his mind, GETTING LAID! This Prequel to the Academy Award Winning film finds a young Gandhi (supposedly to be played by Wilmer Valderrama) who is obsessed with losing his virginity in the last few weeks before High School Graduation on the night of his senior prom. Can he do it, God nows he has the will power.

Poster Idea: Gandhi having Sex with a plate of Chicken Tikka Marsala, reminiscent to the American Pie scene where Jason Biggs fucks a pie.


*Authors Note: Before we could finish our discussion, we were rudely interrupted by out Chevy’s (Mexican Grill) waiter who informed us, “That we couldn’t sit here without ordering food any longer.” So before we left, my anonymous friend gave me a few quick plots of some other failed sequels.

Shindler’s List: The Musical
Shot in 3-D, this re-imagined version of Schindler’s List scraps the dreary black and white film and the sad ending and introduces Nathan Lane and Matthew Broderick in the title roles. Watch out for a show stopping dance number from Christopher Walken who plays Hitler.

House Party 4: Cemetery Jammy Jam
Kid and Play are killed in a DUI related accident but that doesn’t stop them from having the slammingest party in the cemetery. BYOG – Bring Your Own Ghoul!

The Warriors: The Next Generation: Warrior Babies (animated)
The playground isn’t big enough for all the toddlers of Mark Country Day School. After an accidental push leads to a skinned knee at a special recess gang meeting. The Warriors Babies must to get to the Jungle Gym and their teacher before Recess is over! But not before they encounter other dangerous toddler gangs like the Nerfball Furies. It’s a fight till nap time.

Thursday, May 11

Andrew WK is On MySpace and I'm Psyched!

While I'm Compiling My Thoughts on Last Night's Lost, I Want to Take This Time to Talk About My Other Great Obsession...Andrew W.K.


A Few Weeks Ago I Went to See Andrew WK at the Knitting Factory and Just When You Think You've Figured Out the Party-Rock God, He Goes and Performs a Classical Music Set with only a Baby Grand Piano and A Neon Light, That Reads "Party Hard". Suck it Mozart!


Now People Always Ask Me Why I Love Andrew W.K . It's hard to explain but I think his 1st Blog Post on MySpace Totally Sums it Up...

"Is depression a lack of imagination?" - ANDREW W.K.

In other words...

Is disliking an object, idea, or experience, to the point of anxiety and unrest, the result of unnecessary adherence to particular subjective points of view, which, when altered or abandoned, would otherwise provide the observer with a more enjoyable interaction with the object, idea, or experience? This is not to ask if adhering to preferences and positions is unreasonable or bad all the time, but it asks that when these preferences and positions are used to interact with arbitrary, surface information in a way which causes mental collapse, does it call for a re-evaluation of one's own ideas and habits of thought? If the liberal application of imagination can provide a more colorful and effective experience, despite it differing greatly from the initial opinion, how can one question the legitimacy of the altered perception or the resulting happiness? How are these sensations any less valid than a less "rose-colored" point of view?

In other words...

Should we strive to eliminate our own opinions, assumptions, and sense of individuality from the experience of the tactile and sensual outer-world IF clinging to those ideas causes us anxiety, strife, or unhappiness inside our inner-world? Are we to "like" or "dislike" everything? With imagination we can at least examine the other possibilities that we might not otherwise experience in keeping with our own selves or beliefs, and with this we can reconsider our own original position and either abandon it or confirm it, or do something beyond either choice. What would that choice be?

Your Friend,

Andrew W.K.

Do I know exactly what he means?
No.
But I Dare You Not To Like Him After That.

If I Haven't Lost You Yet, Check Out This Great AWK Interview on Jonesy's Jukebox
Steve Jones Interviews AWK

Monday, May 8

Make-Outs, Gun Fights and Weird Phone Numbers

It’s Sweeps Week. So That Means Someone is Going to Get “It” and by “It” I mean Get Laid and Shot.

Why is it that every time someone on the island gets their groove on they are always getting shot? I guess Alvar Hanso hates “Doing the Bump”

So Here are My Thoughts From Last Night, “Holy Shit!” Ana Lucia is Dead! And Libby Might be too but Thank God Libby Had Those Blankets, I think they stopped the bullet.

Last Night's Episode was Pretty Straightforward, But by far the coolest Things was The Hanso Foundation Commercial. If You Missed it, Take a look Here.



Oh Man, I haven’t been this excited to call a number since I saw “Ghostbusters” and called the number on the commercial only to find out it that…. IT DIDN’T EXIST!


But Guess What? The Hanso Organization’s Telephone Number Works! But it’s confusing. I guess it’s supposed to be, because it also signals the start of the "Lost Online Game", Which Sounds Awesome....But I Also Know It’s going to be one of those things that I get really excited about initially and then I'll just lose interest in it 3 weeks into the game because it gets too hard, like that McDonald’s Monopoly Game

Anyway, Here’s a Step By Step Break Down of What I Learned and hopefully it will help you get started. First you have to call 877-HANSORG

It connects you to The Hanso Foundation information line. They recorded voice asks for your party’s extension try 815 (It’s The Oceanic Flight Number, Yeah I’m a Nerd) At First You’ll be put on Hold and hear a French hip-hop song by Geronimo Jackson (Sweet!), Interference will cut in and a woman’s voice will break in, seemingly pirating into the system, warning us about the Hanso Foundation, then babbling about entering the password a "Breaking String."

(Now if don’t want to enter 815, You Can Also Go the Scattershot Route and Enter a Bunch of Extensions and You’ll Hear Cool Things, apparently they are in Coppenhagen, probably right next to Haagen Daas Factory. If I Find out Alvar Hanson is behind My Butternut Praline, I’ll be Pissed!)

Next Log into Hanso Org Website. Go to the "sign up for newsletter" type in a screename ( I suggest something really nerdy but funny, like Locke’s Wheelchair)

When it asks for a password type in: Breaking Strain

Once you're logged in....Go talk to Joop, He’s a Monkey! But not the Overall Wearing Kind, He’s a Science Monkey.
Send Joop a Message and Then Read the letter from Jacques Maillot...Then, if you click on Maillot's name at the bottom of the letter, you can read a response from Peter Thomson (A Hanso Guy) His name gets circled in red at the bottom, click on that & then there's a bit more
…..This should start you on a steady decline into productivity, So enjoy it.

HERE RANDOM THOUGHTS ABOUT THE LAST EPISODE….

Jack’s dad gave Anna-Lucia the nickname Sarah? Which was Jack’s wife’s name. Was Jack’s Dad F-ing Jack’s Wife. I Had a Feeling!

Also Jack’s Dad has a Daughter, an Australian Daughter, Might That Daughter Be Claire! Man, Jack’s Dad gets around.

I also think that Henry Gale is The Leader of the Others and he’s just pretending to be a lowly servant to get more recon on the group, but the way he talks about this “Amazing Man” and espouses his theories make me think he’s just an ego maniac who can stop talking about how great he is. That or Desmond is the Leader. Either Way, I’m convinced it is one of them

Here's A New Image That Hit the Net...


Also in 'Mission: Impossible 3' if you watch the end credits, you will notice the last name listed in the 'Special Thanks' section is The Hanso Foundation.

Friday, May 5

1st 5 Songs on My Ipod (From BWE Blog)

Shuffling Towards the Weekend!

scheeripod_shuffle.JPGThe weekly segement in which we all brag about how cool our taste in music is by shuffling the songs on our iPods and posting - honestly - the first five resulting random tracks. Our guest this week is a favorite on Best Week Ever, a hilarious comedian, and one fourth of The Human Giant - the lovely and talented Mr. Paul Sheer! So what does Paul listen to when he’s not cracking wise on our show? Let’s take a look:

1. “Sexy Motherf*cker” - Prince
2. “Let’s Face It” - The Mighty Mighty Bosstones
3. “Lay Low” - My Morning Jacket
4. “Girl, You’ll Be A Woman Soon” - Urge Overkill
5. “Mr. Rogers Neighborhood” - Fred Rogers

I think I’d be a little surprised about the Mr. Rogers song if this was anyone other than Paul. As always, post the results of your own shuffle in the comments!