Friday, May 12

Movie Epilogues: The Sequels That Never Were

In Hollywood the name of the game is money. When a movie is a hit, studio executives are immediately thinking sequel. This past summer, I had a chance to sit to down with a very well known “Hollywood Insider” who only agreed to my interview under the guise of strict anonymity (Here’s a hint his name rhymes with Steven Spielberg.) Throughout our discussion he let me in on the plots of some of Hollywood’s biggest sequels…that were never made.

So now for the first time you too can find out what happened to your favorite characters after the credits have rolled.

Picking up seven years after the original film. We rejoin Detective David Mills (Brad Pitt) on the day he is to be released from prison. As he is collecting his belongings he is surprised to find that along with his leather jacket he’s also handed his wife’s head (still inside the box in which he last saw it). But that’s not all. She’s come back from the dead. She’s psychic and she can talk, but only David can hear her. Is he crazy or is this his best partner ever.

Ostracized by his friends and family for carrying around a box with his dead wife’s head in it and eager to begin working as a detective again David bypasses the police department and opens up his own detective agency in the freezer section of an abandoned 7-11. But alas there is danger at every turn as the famed Zodiac Killer starts killing again and only they can stop him. Hopefully David won’t lose his head again, because on this case two heads aren’t better than one.

Poster Idea*: Brad Pitt with a Flashlight in one hand and Gwyneth Paltrow’s head in the other as they are investigating a particularly grisly murder, reminiscent of the scene in the first movie with the sin of Gluttony. (*Sadly My PhotoShop Skill Prevent Me From Making These Posters)

The Goonies
It’s 10 years after that fateful day on beach when the Goonies pillaged One Eyed Willy’s Treasure and Chunk demanded that Sloth move in with him and his family. After numerous behavior problems, lack of communication skills, and the excessive eating of one too many Baby Ruth candy bars, Chunk’s parents are fed up! They are kicking Chunk and Sloth out and they are moving to Big City. New York will never be the same.

This is the movie that asks the question can one fat guy and one slightly retard mutant live together without driving each other crazy, the answer is, NO! Often mistaken for being a homosexual couple Chunk and Sloth can never score with the women (even after Sloth performs his own version of the Truffle Shuffle at the Bungalow Club). But that’s just the tip of the iceberg, you see they have their own share of problems, Chunk’s a pig and Sloth is a neat freak. It’s going to be a battle to the end or at least a battle until Chunk gets Sloth chained up to the basement wall again.

(FYI: Captain Lou Albano supposedly was to return without Cindy Lauper to sing the new titular song, “The Sloth Couple” OR “Sloth this Way”)

Poster Ideas: A Strict Parody of the Odd Couple Movie Poster with Chunk and Sloth.

Say Anything
When we last left Lloyd Dobbler (John Cusack) and Diane Court (Ione Skye) they were boarding a plane towards London, little did they know that while they were in the air a zombie virus was accidentally released across Britain. When they land they are immediately attacked. Diane is bit and slowly descends into zombie-dom. Now Lloyd must put his kickboxing skills into use as he fights his way across London to secure an antidote. “I gave her my heart and all she gave me was the taste of flesh”, Lloyd utters after being bit by Diane in the climatic finale of the film. Say Anything! becomes Bite Something!

Poster Idea: Lloyd with a Boombox next to Big Ben with thousands of Zombies revolting from hearing Peter Gabriel’s “In Your Eyes.”

Sure Gandhi was a great man who freed the people of India from British rule but before the hunger strikes and non-violent resistance, Mohandas had one thing on his mind, GETTING LAID! This Prequel to the Academy Award Winning film finds a young Gandhi (supposedly to be played by Wilmer Valderrama) who is obsessed with losing his virginity in the last few weeks before High School Graduation on the night of his senior prom. Can he do it, God nows he has the will power.

Poster Idea: Gandhi having Sex with a plate of Chicken Tikka Marsala, reminiscent to the American Pie scene where Jason Biggs fucks a pie.

*Authors Note: Before we could finish our discussion, we were rudely interrupted by out Chevy’s (Mexican Grill) waiter who informed us, “That we couldn’t sit here without ordering food any longer.” So before we left, my anonymous friend gave me a few quick plots of some other failed sequels.

Shindler’s List: The Musical
Shot in 3-D, this re-imagined version of Schindler’s List scraps the dreary black and white film and the sad ending and introduces Nathan Lane and Matthew Broderick in the title roles. Watch out for a show stopping dance number from Christopher Walken who plays Hitler.

House Party 4: Cemetery Jammy Jam
Kid and Play are killed in a DUI related accident but that doesn’t stop them from having the slammingest party in the cemetery. BYOG – Bring Your Own Ghoul!

The Warriors: The Next Generation: Warrior Babies (animated)
The playground isn’t big enough for all the toddlers of Mark Country Day School. After an accidental push leads to a skinned knee at a special recess gang meeting. The Warriors Babies must to get to the Jungle Gym and their teacher before Recess is over! But not before they encounter other dangerous toddler gangs like the Nerfball Furies. It’s a fight till nap time.


At 2:49 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Uh...there was a House Party 4.

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