Thursday, August 31

Ms. Bliss Can Suck a Dick....

Is it just me or don't you hate it when you are settling in to watch a Saved by the Bell rerun on TBS and instead you get an episode of "Good Morning Miss Bliss." Which of course was the Disney Channel precursor to "Saved by the Bell".

C'mon This Show sucked! It's a sitcom about a Single Teacher whose Husband Dies and some kid who looks like he lost a Ralph Maccio contest. Sure you get Zach, Lisa Turtle, and Screech but they are just shells of their future selves. The show takes place in Indiana...WTF!This show was so bad that Disney cancelled it, I don't think Disney cancels anything.

There's no Slater, no Kelly Kapowski, and Mr. Belding is hardly in the episodes. Why even watch? This show is so bad it makes Saved by the Bell: The College Years look good.

So Joining Me won't you in getting TBS to Burn their remaining copies of this blight on society.

Miss Bliss You can Suck a Dick

Monday, August 28

My Trip to the Emmys!

Last night I attended the 58th Annual Emmy Awards. As you all know, I was there to slap Hugh Laurie (House M.D.) with a paternity suit because that British Bastard still refuses to take any responsibility for our baby girl, Sabrina. You can't ignore Mr. Laurie, you are in a world of shit and I'm the stable master (...who cleans that shit).

Anyway, since I was there I decided to continue my quest to be the world's worst Papparazzi. So join me won't you.

Every Limo that Arrives is Greeted by These Placards...

Obviously they are Pissed 7th Heaven wasn't nominated this year.

At first I was offended but then I realized this was the perfect sobering message to have right before I got my complimentary Grey Goose Apple Martini. By the way, I heard the cocktail napkins were hand sewn by orphans, that's right only the best at the Emmys!

Have You Ever Wondered What Ray Liotta Looks like From the side, well wonder no longer

(Kinda like Alec Baldwin)

Yup That's Billy Bush and Heidi Klum's Ass

Jean Smart was great in "24" this season....
However, I miss her Natural Chemistry with Mesach Taylor on Designing Women

Either I'm Super Tall of Kiefer Sutherland is Super Short. You Be The Judge!
(It's like a Special EFX Scene From Lord of the Rings)
Then My Camera was Confiscated!

Thursday, August 24

Grover Cleveland Hates Vampires!

No books have been written about our 22nd President, Grover Cleveland and that's a real shame. Because as a leader of the Bourbon Democrats he opposed imperialism, taxes, corruption, and vampires. That's right, Vampires! In 1894 President Cleveland instituted the "No Bloodsucker Act" which called for the genocide of the Vampire Race in North America. Not wanting to be known as a man who let someone else do his dirty work, Cleveland was responsible for the execution of over 250 vampires in a 6 month period (historians note that upwards of 50 of those vampires were baby vampires, but regardless that was still an impressive feat). Some even say that Cleveland was the basis for the Marvel Comic book character Blade. While insiders at Marvel have anonmously agreed with this theory many also added that Grover Clevland was much more bad ass than Blade and subsquently the character was toned tone to make him more believable. So everyday that you are not drinking the blood of the living, thank Grover Cleveland, a Real American Hero.

Tuesday, August 22

New David Brent Videos on You Tube

Monday, August 21

What I Learned From Snakes on a Plane

  • Snakes are not indigenous to Hawaii.
  • Don't leave your can of Red Bull at a crime scene.
  • Snakes can not get into 1st class.
  • Always pack a bow and arrow in luggage just in case the hero of your flight needs a weapon while he/she is in the cargo hold.
  • Rich British people are assholes.
  • The snake guy who lives in the dessert is probably up to no good.
  • Snakes are attracted to breasts, specifically hot girl's nipples.
  • Eventhough Xbox flight simulators are incredibly thorough they don't teach you how to land a plane.
  • Male Chauvenists and Germophobe Rappers can be heroic when in stressful situations.
  • Just because you are a championship kickboxer, don't flaunt it! As a matter of fact, never show anyone your moves outside the ring, even if you are in a deadly situation, just allude to how good you are.
  • Hot stewardesses are attracted to dangerous men.
  • Beware! Because sometimes you might be having a dream where you feel like someone is going down on you, only to find that it's actually a snake and that snake wants to eat out your eye and live in your skull.
and Finally....
Always Check Behind the Lais

What did you Learn?

Thursday, August 10

The Indie Music Suge Knight Revealed

Check out an Expose on Indie Music's Most Dangerous Man...With Appearances by Rob Huebel, Nick Kroll, Rob Riggle, Fred Armisen, Tapes N Tapes, Ted Leo, and Me

Tuesday, August 8

Watch Me Get Maced in The Face....

I Shot a Movie with Billy Bob Thornton and Jon Heder called "School For Scoundrels" . It Comes out This September...

A lot think that maybe I have changed now that I'm in a movie not a chance, things are just different. Now when people come up to me and ask me, "Paul, What is it like Being a Movie Star?" First thing I say is "Don't Look me in the Eyes, You Freak!" Secondly if they haven't been in a movie, I just laugh in their face and say "You'll never know" then I hoist myself into my Hummer, which is towing another Hummer (which of course is running) then and I pump up the volume on my bootleg live album of Creed as loud as I can and drive far away from that person.

But if you really want to see how a Movie Star is Treated on the set, look at my Trailer.

Check This Shit out Y'all...First of all, everything is in my reach. Wall to Wall my Trailer is about 9 Motherfucking Feet (Suck on that Wil Smith). I can sit on my Couch (Which also doubles as a Bed-Thank You Very Much) and Reach the Sink or My Closet (Which Hangs conviently above me). Now a lot of stars request that the Bathroom sink be moved out of the bathroom I'm one of those dudes, plus check out my handy soap dispenser, just like real restrooms and I don't even want to mention my paper towel dispenser. Plus My Shades always stay down...Why? Because They are Bolted to the Wall. So Yeah Things are Pretty Good!

Monday, August 7

Snakes on Your CellPhone...Trust Me It's Awesome

This is the Best Thing Ever...There is a New Feature on the Snakes on a Plane Website Where Samuel L Jackson will Call You and Leave You a Personalized Message Reminding You To See Snakes on a Plane. It's Hysterical

Click Here To Send Your Friends The Most Kickass Phone Call of There Lives!

Friday, August 4

Holy Crap! I'm on on

TMZ.Com was at the 100th Episode Party for Best Week Ever at the Marquee, It was awesome that they were there but secretly I was always hoping my first video on would be me bitch slapping Alfonso Ribeiro (Carlton From Fresh Prince of Bel-Air) in a Mcdonalds Parking Lot because he looked at me funny

Thursday, August 3

Stranded, Annoyed and Alone at the JFK Airport or Why American Airlines Sucks

Currently, I am stranded in the Fancy New American Airlines Terminal at JFK Airport, it's been about 8 hours since I breathed fresh air and my hope for flying standby is starting to dwindle and in all that time I only have one question:

If you are only going to have 2 stores in your entire concourse, why would you make them L'Occitane and Swatch? C'mon! That's Not Cool.

Tuesday, August 1

Carl From Aqua Teen Makes Fun of Me...Awesome!

In preparation for the 100th Episode of Best Week Ever, Many Celebrities are Coming out to Say, "Congrats", Like Carl From Aqua Teen Hunger Force.