Friday, March 30

Rob's Vagina Leaked on the Internet

A New Human Giant Short with Nick Swardson and Rob's Vagina...

Sunday, March 25

LOST RECAP "The Man From Tallahasse"

I think someone over at LOST started pressing the "Awesome" button again because the last few weeks have been "HOLY SHIT!" Great. It's like all those promos promising us that big questions would finally be answered were just a couple of weeks too early...Unless of course you count the mystery of "Is their or isn't their a VW Bus on the island?" as something that you desperately needed an answer too...I did of course, because it goes to prove my theory that the Libyans from Back to the Future are actually run the Dharma Organization and Doc Brown is the ringleader of this entire social experiment. Only time will prove me right.

Here's some good stuff to think about while you are supposed to be focusing on something more important..

"Anthony Cooper, Adam Seward" (Locke's dad's alias names) is anagram for "Sawyer, the con man, a poor dad". Therefore, is Anthony Cooper the Real Sawyer? Remember, Sawyer is a con man who seduced James Ford's mother, Brooke Ford, then used her in order to obtain money from her and her husband. This prompted James to take Sawyer's name, and hunt him down.
If so that would be awesome, Sometimes I wish these people just talked about their fucked up families once in awhile, they'd get so much settled.

Secondly, could Locke be the guy who fell past Hurley's financial planner's office window in "Numbers"? In that episode: After Hurley wins the lottery, in his financial advisor Ken Halperin's office, he tells Hurley that every one of his stocks are up. He is the owner of a box company in Tustin, which was ruined after some tropical storms; luckily, Hurley insured it. Hurley also got paid from the LAPD after his false arrest. As Ken is assuring Hurley that he is not cursed, a man falls past the window behind him. If they knew that in season 1, then I say YEAH!

Finally my favorite unanswered weird thing popped up again...The DEATH CAR!

When Locke goes to see his father at the Tustin Florist Ranch, a car drives by in the background that looks very similar to the Bonneville that hit Michael and put him in the hospital, and hit Locke as he was chasing his mother through the parking lot of the toy store he worked at, and Kate ran into it when she was fleeing the hospital in Tom's car. Thanks to Lost Cubit for being on top of this weird ongoing

Apparently next week's episode is Niki and Paulo-Centric...You know those 2 new jerks who just showed up and everyone is totally cool with them like they have been there for 3 seasons. I hate them..I have no reason too but I just do, it's like the execs at ABC were like get me a sexier Rose and Bernard and we all know that isn't possible. Rose and Bernard are the sexiest

Wednesday, March 21

The Only Site I Visit on the Internet is...


People are always asking me, "Paul what's the best site on the internet?" and I tell them straight up it's CaptainBarbossa.Com

Think about it. Finally! No more searching for that perfect Captain Barbossa picture or quote, ("Ye Best start believin' in Ghost stories...because Yer in One") because you can find them all right here. It's one stop shopping for all your Capatian Barbossa Needs.

Plus you can talk to other Barbossa Fans...All 4 of them in the Guestbook Section

Fans like "barbossa=true captain of the pearl" who writes:

Barbossa is the best, there is just something about him....hmmm ARGHH and he IS the true captain of the pearl. Can any one of you picture him taking orders from Sparrow? I can not!

I concur! Wholeheartedly.

And screw negative posters like "Sparrowgurl" who writes:

Jack is Sooo HOTTTTT (sorry Cpt.Barbossa)

Clearly she is on the wrong Message Board, but I like that she shows respect and apologizes to Cpt. Barbossa for her Negative post

So when you are in need of a Captain Barbossa Fix look No Further. Get Ye to
Captain Barbossa.com

Tuesday, March 20

Cosby Show Episode #198



You read that right, Episode #198...I didn't even know they made that many. I think America tuned out after season 5. So I did some research I found out that there are like 3 Seasons of the Cosby Show that I never even knew existed, and after watching this one I'm glad I didn't, because it was TERRIBLE!

First of all Rudy has a moustache, I'm sorry but it's true. She looks like Magnum PI with that thing.

Then there all these weird people in the house and I don't know who the hell they are. Denise is engaged to some maintenance man, who everyone hates. Then Kenny (aka Bud) Rudy's Friend is a main character on the show but I don't know why, he doesn't hang out with Rudy anymore, now he's a babysitter for Olivia and hangs out with Cliff and Theo (which is a little weird) and it seems like everyone who ever appeared on that show lives in that house..it's like a big clown car, Huxatables just keep pouring out out. Personally I think they missed the boat by not bringing back that fat white kid who took a horse ride on Cliff's leg during Rudy's Birthday party. Now he was talented!


This picture was from season 6 and the cast cant even fit in the picture. By season 8 forget about it, you'd need a panaramicc camera to get everyone in.

And the opening theme/dance sequence looks like drunk people still trying to party after the lights are turned on in a club. (I tried to find it on You Tube, but they were all removed)

Also to add insult to injury there are 2 seperate speeches in the show where the main character's lose their train of thought...Cliff actually says, "I don't know where I'm going with this" after a 2 minute long speech. Then Theo is lecturing Kenny at the kitchen table about eating his vegetables and mid metaphor he says, "you know what forget it...." WHAT! Forget it...NO...You can't do that.

Clearly at this point in the show's run, everyone had given up. Case in point, the episode is directed by Alan Smithee (which for those of you who don't know is the name that a director gives when he is too embarrassed to put his name on the final project.)

Oh Cosby Show How could you have sunk so Low?

So Shame on you TV Land, Shame on You. I just wanted to eat my honey nut cheerios relaxing in my Pajamas and watching classic television, but you destroyed that for me! I hope you are happy.


If you have seen a terrible Cosby Show tel me all about it. We need to support each other

Friday, March 16

Human Giant: Old Fashion Fun

Here's a New Short from our MTV Show, I hope You Enjoy it!

Wednesday, March 14

Only 1 Day Till Jeff Goldblum Beats The Crap out of Me!

Set your Tivo because in 24 hours, Jeff Goldblum is going to put the beat down on me in the 1st episode of RAINES on NBC Thursday at 10PM.

I Promise you, It's going to be Crime-Drama-tastic!

SPOILER ALERT
In our scene I play a really greasy, hotel night manager, who won't give Jeff Goldblum (Raines) the information he needs so he decides to twist my arm..literally! (Nailed it!).

Interesting Fun Fact
The Hotel where we shot our scene actually caters to real Hollywood Prostitutes and Johns. How did I know? Well a real life hooker approached the bullet proof window in the front office while we were shooting to ask for a room.

What You Can Do...
If you like the scene, just bombard NBC with like 7-10 million hand written letters requesting that my character "greasy hotel clerk" gets spun off into my own hour long drama series. I'm thinking of calling "Night Shift" or "Ho Hotel", or just simply "Greasy". Every episode will center around me finding a stain in one of my rooms and I have to figure out what it is, before it's too late..."is it blood, semen, or peanut butter?" tune in and find out.

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Tuesday, March 13

What The Hell Did They Say on Lost Last Week


I know alot people aren't digging Lost this season, but for those of you who are, like myself, and who refuse to give up, here's a little translation from the climatic scene in last week's episode.

Now before you read the following scene, grab a friend, an eye patch, 2 guns, and make some fake tickets, then set up your bedroom like a theater, and and invite your next store neighbors to come over to watch. You are going to put on a show!

(FYI: Mikhail is the Patch wearing Guy)

Klugh: Mikhail. Mikhail! You know what to do.
Mikhail: We still have another way [out].
Klugh: We cannot risk it. You know the conditions.
Mikhail: There is another way.
Klugh: They captured us. We will not let them to get into the territory.
Klugh: You know what to do. That's an order.
Mikhail: We still have another way!
Klugh (in English): Just do it, Mikhail.
Mikhail: Forgive me. (shoots)

Monday, March 12

FYI: Jay Z is Doing Great!


Now that Jay Z has turned 30, a lot of people have been wondering, "How's he doing?" and I'm proud to say that after listening to his new single "30 Something"...He's doing just fine, actually better than fine he's great. Don't believe me, let's take a look at what he has to say.. (These are actual lyrics)

Right off the bat, he gets into it...

You ain’t got enough stamps on your passport to fuck with Young H.O.
International, uh…
So by this admission I guess the only person that could "fuck" with Jay Z would be Richard Branson and from my experience Branson makes Nas look like a total pussy, so watch out!

That by the song’s end I’ll prolly start another trend
That's a lot of trends, especially if you account for every station that plays this song, that's hundrends of trends a day. I'm thinking at the end of my song, the trend he started was making it cool for people to exclaim "Juicelicious" after drinking a NAKED fruit juice. I did.

I got that 6-deuce with curtains so you can’t see me
And I didn’t even have to put tints on it
Seriously, I don't even know what that is. But it sounds expensive.

I don’t got the bright watch, I got the right watch
Jay Z continues his feud with Casio glow in the dark watches. It's getting ugly.

I don’t buy out the bar, I bought the Nightspot
This just feels like semantics to me. They are both risky investments.

I know you like, “Fuck!”
o-kay?

Now I got Black Cards, good credit and such
I was really happy to hear that he finally figured out his credit, I know when he was a kid he tried to scam Columbia House CD Club by not paying them for all the CD's he bought and I know that was lowering his credit score, so Bravo to you young Jeezy!

Gotta stop playin’ with these childrens, yeah
Yes, you do. Actually don't put that in a song.

Don’t let the patent leather shoes fool you young’un
I got the fully in the tux
Again, I don't know what he means but I'm oddly intimidated.

Got a sum on me to hire a gun army get you spun like laundry
And I’ll be somewhere under palm trees, calmly
Listening to R&B
I just like the idea of a gangland execution happening in one state and Jay Z listining to Pebo Bryson in another.

Ya’ll drink Dom, but not Rose’
Either way, we are talking about 2 expensive drinks.I wouldn't hang your hat on that insult.

Ya chick shop at the mall
My chick burning down Bergdorf’s
Actually my mall has a Nordstrom which seems on par with a Bergdorfs, I'm just saying.

Ya’ll respect the one who got shot, I respect the shooter
Wow! Okay. That's a contrary viewpoint. He's like the Ann Coulter of the Rap World.

So I hope that clears things up. Jay Z is doing Great!

Thursday, March 8

R.I.P. ZACK THE LEGO MANIAC

R.I.P. ZACK THE LEGO MANIAC



Zack Henderson (AKA Zack, The Lego Maniac) died late Thursday night in a mental institution outside New Haven, Connecticut. He is survived by his estranged wife, Blythe and his 10-year-old son, Martin, who was of course made out of Legos.

Fans will of course remember Zack from a series of Lego related commercials in the mid-80’s that exploited Zack’s Lego based insanity.

In 1989 when Lego dropped the severely disturbed Zack as a promotional tool for their company he spiraled into an even deeper pit of Lego based mental illness. Trying to correct his affliction he entered intensive therapy where even top psychologists concurred that he was still and will remain a “Lego Maniac”.

In 2000 he was arrested in Lake Winnipesaukee for attacking a kindergarten class in attempt to steal more Legos. In the attack he lost an eye and also captured the heart of Blythe Williams the kindergarten teacher that he assaulted. Their romance flourished until it became clear that Zach was only using her for her access to Legos. She disappeared in 2005 and was never seen again; police still believe that Zach was responsible for her death.

In 2006, Zach was found living under the 4th street Bridge in downtown Los Angeles in a small Lego structure with his “son” Martin. He was admitted into New Promises Rehab facility and never received a single visitor till his death. Zack was 25.

Wednesday, March 7

HUMAN GIANT @ SXSW

HUMAN GIANT AT SXSW
Saturday, March 17th at 8 pm
Friends Bar - 208 East 6th Street

AZIZ ANSARI, ROB HUEBEL, and PAUL SCHEER present a special sneak preview of their new MTV show HUMAN GIANT.

With Special Guests PATTON OSWALT, EUGENE MIRMAN and MORE!

Also we will also be giving away special advance screener DVDs of some of our favorite stuff.

We'll also be doing a few other Shows and Events around SXSW...But basically I'm really excited to drink my Favorite Austin drink, The Michelada. Never had one? Then make one for yourself.. If You Dare! (FYI: I found the recipe on Wikipedia)

  • In a chilled Salt-rimmed mug or glass pour in 325 mL (12 Fl. oz.) of tomato juice or Clamato.
  • A few drops of hot sauce, such as Valentina or Bufalo. McIlhenny's Tabasco sauce is not usually used, as it leaves a slight vinegary aftertaste.
  • A few drops of Worcestershire sauce
  • A few drops of Maggi seasoning or soy sauce.
  • Squeeze a lime wedge (lemon wouldn't be strong nor sour enough).
  • Mix the ingredients in the glass.
  • Slowly add one 325 mL (12 Fl. oz.) Mexican beer (preferably a dark beer like Negra Modelo).

Q&A

Here's a interview I recently did with Wicked Info


No stranger to the big screen, or the small screen alike, Paul Scheer has been making people laugh for years. You may have seen him in the Upright Citizens Brigade TV show, VH1's "Best Week Ever," or on the big screen in School of Scoundrels. Wherever you may have seen him, we're sure you've enjoyed each of his performances along the way. So sit back, relax, and enjoy our hilarious interview with the one, the only, Paul Scheer.

Q: Give us some dirt on VH1's "Best Week Ever." Who on the cast is truly funny and who is being fed witty lines by the producers?

PS: We are all just puppets and just off screen they hold us hostage with a gun and if we don't say the stuff they want they shoot us in the kneecaps.

Q: Francis Bacon once said "Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not; a sense of humor to console him for what he is." How has humor helped define your life?

PS: I refuse to talk about Francis Bacon and his outright lies. Ever since I worked with him on Fantastic Four, he's been a real prick.

Q: If you, Britney Spears, George W. Bush, Paris Hilton and Snoop Dogg were marooned on a desert island, who would end up in charge and who would end up as dinner?

PS: Considering none of us have probably made dinner in the last 10 years I assume we'd starve under the daunting bald headed leadership of Britney Spears

Q: You've just finished filming a movie made by the creators of "The Onion." Can you share some tidbits on acting in this piece?

PS: It was difficult because they kept telling me to take off my clothes and blow this dude behind a 7-11 and I..Oh God, I hope that was a movie, come to think of it I never saw any cameras.

Q: We assume that that you're quite the lothario. What would you suggest is the best make-out song to bust out when we're with our girlfriends?

PS: I only make-out to "Master of Puppets" by Metallica. We start at the 1st song and don't stop till the end.

Q: When you were just nineteen, you were asked to join the New York City's longest running Off Broadway comedy show, Chicago City Limits. Being the youngest person ever to be accepted into the ensemble, how were you able to handle that challenge despite your age?

PS: It was easy the show wasn't that good.

Q: What's your favorite way to kick back and relax after a stressful day?

PS: I kidnap 3 unsuspecting civilians and bring them to a burned out building, I convince them that there was an apocalypse and that I'm the new leader of the world and they must obey me. Then for 15 hours we play the most intense game of "Simon Says" ever.

Q: Are there female leprechauns?

PS: Not since the Enchanted Forest Battle of 1856, when the evil wood-elves poisoned the male leprechaun's reproductive systems via dick blow dart.

Q: Where can your fans catch more of you in 2007?

PS: They can see me on my new show "Human Giant" on MTV, Thursdays at 10:30PM (starting April 5th) also I perform at UCB Theater in NY& LA and as always you can catch my one man version of Angels in America performed in my apartment every night.

Q: Let's end with word association. We say wombat and you say...

PS: Ed Bradley
____________________________________________________________________

Big Thanks to everyone who came out in the freezing cold for the Human Giant Illusionators shoot last night. You all were the best! I hope your hypothermia wasn't isn't too bad. Also if you found a cellphone by UCB send me an email.

Sunday, March 4

The Illusionators needs help from New Yorkers!!!

The Illusionators need your help!!!

Be in a short on Human Giant's MTV show. Watch the Illusionators perform their most dangerous magification ever!

Show up at UCB at 9:30 on Monday and John Satan and Scott Devil will lead you to a world of illusion and death!

Afterwards, we will take you back to Crash Test, where your seats will be saved, but your lives will not!!!!

Crash Test
With Human Giant (Aziz, Rob, Paul), Eugene Mirman, and AD Miles

We will also sneak preview more new clips from our MTV show.

Where:
UCB Theater
307 West 26th Street
(b/w 8th & 9th Ave)

When: 9:30PM on Monday