Wednesday, June 27

And Now a Message From Reginal Vel Johnson (The Cop From Die Hard)


Dear Bruce Willis,

What the Shit Man? Do I look like asshole? Because you keep wiping me to the side every chance you get. I mean C'MON! I can't believe you made another "Die Hard" movie without ME...Sgt. Al Fucking Powell. Need I remind you that I was the glue that held the 1st Die Hard movie together. People related to MY story. Need I remind you that without me you'd be a dead mother fucker. I'm the one who shot Karl. Me. I'm the hero of Die Hard. Not you.

Granted, I was pissed when I read Die Hard 2 and I only had a cameo role. I remember coming over your house and I trying to stab you with a pocket knife. But when I went to plunge the knife into your chest you easily disarmed me. Then I just broke down crying and you and Demi made me mint tea. You had your driver send me home. That was nice. I'm sorry about that. I mean how many times do I have to apologize for attempting to kill you.

But Damn, if you didn't screw me like whore in Thailand again when Die Hard 3 came out. Remember you called me up and said, next movie it's me and you. Then you go cast Samuel Jackson. SAM JACKSON! C'mon Dude. I act circles around that guy. Remember my dramatic monologue when I explained why I worked a desk and I said, "I shot a kid." That's drama. That's emotion. I am the master of acting. But yet all you see on every bus is "Yippee Yai Yeah M...." It should read "I shot a kid.-Die Hard 4"

I just read The Secret and it says I shouldn't hold a grudge, but damn it's real hard with you. You didn't even show up when me and Deavoreaux White, the dude who played you Limo Driver (Argyle) in Die Hard 1 did True West in Burbank at Senor Tacos. That was a great show. Holly Mclane showed up and so did the guy who played Mr. Takagi but he was drunk and very rude to the mexican waitstaff. Anyway I digress.

Basically I guess it was bullcrap when you said "Welcome to the Party Pal." Because You and I are not pals and your party is for 2 people. You and Your Ego!

Fuck You and Goodnight!

Sincerly,
Reginald Vel Johnson
"Al Powell from Die Hard"

Thursday, June 21

My Favorite MySpace Spam Email

This makes me laugh everytime I look at it. I love how "Chad" is so non-plussed and oddly resigned that the only thing he can do is send out an mass email to his friends about his "crazy"situation.

Personally I picture Chad living in a world where his roomate is constantly masturbating all around their apartment and it's like bad 80's sitcom like "Perfect Strangers" called, "Playing with each Other." The opening credits would be all about their crazy living situation as Chad trys to go about his normal life with his "crazy" roomate. You'd see him trying to find a box of cereal and then he turns around to to see his roomate using the cereal box to masturbate (shot tastefully of course) and he just shrugs and laughs while synthesized upbeat music plays. The closing credit shot would be late night in their apartment Chad is watching TV and sitting next to him is his roomate furiously masturbating, he looks over smiles then lifts the remote and clicks it and the screen goes to black, just like he's shutting off your TV. In my world this show is cancelled right after the opening credits.

Saturday, June 2

Brief Update...

Tomorrow is the MTV Movie Awards hosted by Sarah Silverman and Human Giant has been invited to go, but there was a catch, we have text this service called Twitter. It's a new web thing, that's actually pretty cool it's like reading people's private texts. If you subscribe you get copied on every text we send.

Just text FOLLOW HUMANGIANT to 40404 or visit www.twitter.com to get started. It’s free. So seriously what do you have to lose. If you sign up you can can get texts from all of us (Rob, Aziz, Jason and I) throughout the night. Knowing us they'll probably all be about Fashion...You know how much we love what young hollywood is wearing. Ooh lala I love pant suits!

* Also Human Giant shot 13 special BRAND NEW MTV promos that will be airing during the MTV Movie Awards, We didn't write the spots but we think they turned out pretty well. So look out for those. I think they are only airing one time during the movie awards.*