Wednesday, June 27

And Now a Message From Reginal Vel Johnson (The Cop From Die Hard)


Dear Bruce Willis,

What the Shit Man? Do I look like asshole? Because you keep wiping me to the side every chance you get. I mean C'MON! I can't believe you made another "Die Hard" movie without ME...Sgt. Al Fucking Powell. Need I remind you that I was the glue that held the 1st Die Hard movie together. People related to MY story. Need I remind you that without me you'd be a dead mother fucker. I'm the one who shot Karl. Me. I'm the hero of Die Hard. Not you.

Granted, I was pissed when I read Die Hard 2 and I only had a cameo role. I remember coming over your house and I trying to stab you with a pocket knife. But when I went to plunge the knife into your chest you easily disarmed me. Then I just broke down crying and you and Demi made me mint tea. You had your driver send me home. That was nice. I'm sorry about that. I mean how many times do I have to apologize for attempting to kill you.

But Damn, if you didn't screw me like whore in Thailand again when Die Hard 3 came out. Remember you called me up and said, next movie it's me and you. Then you go cast Samuel Jackson. SAM JACKSON! C'mon Dude. I act circles around that guy. Remember my dramatic monologue when I explained why I worked a desk and I said, "I shot a kid." That's drama. That's emotion. I am the master of acting. But yet all you see on every bus is "Yippee Yai Yeah M...." It should read "I shot a kid.-Die Hard 4"

I just read The Secret and it says I shouldn't hold a grudge, but damn it's real hard with you. You didn't even show up when me and Deavoreaux White, the dude who played you Limo Driver (Argyle) in Die Hard 1 did True West in Burbank at Senor Tacos. That was a great show. Holly Mclane showed up and so did the guy who played Mr. Takagi but he was drunk and very rude to the mexican waitstaff. Anyway I digress.

Basically I guess it was bullcrap when you said "Welcome to the Party Pal." Because You and I are not pals and your party is for 2 people. You and Your Ego!

Fuck You and Goodnight!

Sincerly,
Reginald Vel Johnson
"Al Powell from Die Hard"

9 Comments:

At 11:59 AM, Blogger roeyourboat said...

this entry killed me. Just killed me. Lovin' it.

 
At 12:09 PM, Anonymous marge said...

that was freakin hilarious

 
At 1:15 PM, Blogger Burbanked said...

Not sure if Blogger registers these kinds of trackback links, but I’ve featured your post today at the top of my sidebar (in the "From the brains of the bloggers" box). This is a bit in which I choose a particularly good sentence and link it - wildly removed from its context - back to your post.

Thanks for your unwitting contribution!

 
At 5:08 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Try spellcheck next time. Stupid typos distract from the funny.

 
At 11:16 PM, Blogger David Chen said...

Found your post through Gorillamask. Laughed out loud repeatedly. Good work, sir.

 
At 9:39 AM, Blogger Rob said...

You gotta proofread your shit (unless Sgt. Powell was Korean and I forgot about it, in which case continue the good work).

 
At 2:15 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

too bad this guy died a few years ago.

 
At 2:22 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

He'll be sad to know that, considering he is still totally alive and in like 3 new movies

 
At 12:29 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

GO EAT A TWINKIE BITCH

 

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